Moving On

[may22]

Hi friends,

A series of observations on where I am right now below. I'm sorry I don't have what it takes to file for D tomorrow and be the total fearless bada$$ May I know is inside of me and who I think you guys are rooting to come out. She's fighting with a lot of fear and anger and disappointment right now. Also inside me though is the momma bear May who will take just about any level of $hit someone can throw at me to protect my children, but as soon as they're hurt she's ready to take zero prisoners and give zero f**ks about H in the process. Hurt me? I can handle it. Hurt my kids? Now we're on. I have absolutely no worries about enforcing my boundary of if he walks, I want nothing to do with him. I'm not saying I'll always feel like that, but I'm pretty sure it would take a good long time and a totally changed person for me to forgive that step of pulling the children into this.

In any case. 2x4s or observations requested. Just be kind of gentle with the 2x4s right now. I have heard what everyone is saying and I am listening and doing my best with what I have at the moment. Unfortunately, that does not include being ready to walk out the door myself or file for D tomorrow.

Things within my control: 
Focusing on myself and what I need, now and in the long term. 
Detaching. 
Dropping the rope. 
Spend some time meditating on the reality of where we are right now with a goal of really, truly accepting it.  
Being aware of my actions to ensure nothing I do or say is in any way aimed at influencing H's behavior, or could be interpreted as pursuing.
Being aware of my own thoughts, and letting go of anxieties or expectations about the future.
Focus on the present.
Loving my kids and being a good mom.
Being present with them.
Regular practices of yoga and meditation.
Focus on my career choices and fleshing out my plans. 
Looking at dogs/puppies and fencing options for the backyard.
Spend time thinking about all the positive aspects and possibilities for me in a life without him.
Reengage with friends I haven't seen as much since the quarantine.
Make an appointment with an attorney to figure out my options and financial implications
Botox.
IC.

Things outside my control:
His behaviors: whether or not he is in contact with her. Whether or not he moves to the basement. Whether or not he moves out. 
His thoughts: what his decision making process looks like. what decision he makes. if he even ever makes a decision.
His feelings: how he feels about AP. how he feels about me. how he feels about the MR. how he feels about the current situation. how he feels about the future. 
I can't control whether or not he leaves the house wholly. He may choose to move to the basement or the office. None of that is under my control.

My current boundaries: 
I will not discuss our R or the A with him. It isn't my job to process this with him. It is not my responsibility to help him make this decision. My primary responsibility is to myself and right now, it is not healthy for me to engage in discussions around this with him. (this is the boundary that I did not have in January, though we didn't talk that much outside of discernment counseling.)
I will not work on our R with a third party in the picture. 
I will not be friends with him if he leaves. I will not vacation with him. I will not have meals together with him. I will not allow my children to go on a vacation longer than 8 nights with him. 

Boundaries I'm thinking about but not really there yet with: 
I will not be friendly with him until and if he recommits to the M
I will not share a bed with him until and if he recommits to the M
I will not interact any more than absolutely required until and if he recommits to the M
I will not lie to the children or anyone else about what is happening.  

Things that are on my mind:
How long will I be in this current space, where he is still in contact with AP and not recommitting to the M, living under one roof? As I see it, my choices right now are to (1) stay with the status quo, (2) leave myself, (3) file for D, (4) ask him to move to the basement, or (5) ask him to move out of the house completely. I understand that 4 and 5 are just asking and are not anything I can enforce, but I know I could make the request. Am I missing anything? I'm not willing to do #s 2 or 3 at this point. I did ask him to do #5 and he said no. I think he would do #4 if I asked him to. He would definitely move to the office if I asked him to. I'm not quite sure why he hasn't yet, but I didn't add that as an option because it doesn't actually solve anything for me. If he's gone, I want him GONE. I think staying in the office is the highest form of cake-eating where he gets to tell his mistress (I am liking this term) that he's sleeping in the office, while not experiencing any real consequences. He even had thought up a good story to use with the children so they wouldn't suspect anything was going on. I guess this is a big reason why I'm not asking him to move to either sleeping space. It gives him a nice talking point to show her he's serious without actually having to make any sort of decision himself. And I simply don't feel like giving him that little gift.

Shall I set a deadline for myself on this? Last time, I set a six week deadline based on a work trip he had to her city-- if he didn't break it off with her by then, we were through. This time, I'm thinking the timeline needs to be more around my own processing and detaching to the point where the next step boundaries are authentic and I can enforce them, rather than an externally driven or arbitrary date. I am learning through all of this that we have terrible boundaries generally, so this is not a process that comes easily to me. And, I'm still finding the whiplash of where I thought I was a week ago to where we are now hard to process.

Right now, I'm not yet in a place where I can embrace those next level boundaries authentically. I was thinking through why I set that deadline last time and it was because it was so, so painful for me to imagine him, in real time, understanding how much it hurt me, seeing her and sleeping with her. I understand intellectually that what he is doing right now-- still in contact with her, emotionally attached to her, wishing he was with her, but not actually seeing her IRL-- is just as bad, but somehow it just isn't as painful by half. I am doing better today than yesterday, and yesterday than the day before, for sure. Maybe I don't really love him all that much and am just frightened of what it will do to the children and of being on my own? Or I'm emotionally detached from him as my romantic partner but not detached from him as my H and father of my children in other ways?

Other questions I'm asking myself:
When I get myself to a place where I'm ready-- what will I do? Ask him to move to the basement or out? Hire an attorney and file for D?
Who will I tell and what will I tell them?
What will we tell the children?
What do I need to do about separating our finances?
What are other things I can do to tackle the fear of S/D?.
If he says he wants to try an R with AP, I will say, okay. Will I ask him to MO again or just let him do whatever he does and maintain my own boundaries? I'm assuming he'll move down to the basement on his own. I will implement cold hard NC to the extent possible with him in the basement. GAL and move on.
If he says he wants to recommit to the M, what does that look like? What will need to be different this time? I think I will not make any requests or demands. I will let him come up with the ideas and decide if they are OK for me, at least at first.