Moving On

[SteveLW]

The main reason I was really interested in your perspective-- and perhaps I should have sought it out a month ago and I wouldn't be here-- is that you R'd with your wife without a physical separation. You talked about watching her go through the grieving process of losing her EA. I was interested in how you knew she was moving into piecing. From what I recall, it didn't happen right away, correct? How did you behave with her once she ended the A and before you decided you were actually in piecing? It seems like most if not all of the situations I follow here had a physical separation, during which the WS realized what they were missing, etc. (or not, in which case the LBS continues to focus on themselves and generally is happier without their ex.) And then when their WS is ready to reconcile, there is no confusion. I feel like that is probably not an overnight change for most WSs and that it takes time for the WS to realize and process, and generally doesn't happen under the direct gaze of the LBS.

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Ah ok. Yes I do not believe physical separation is mandatory for a spouse to turn around. But it all goes back to how you handle it. Since my W was never in a PA, there was no reason to kick her out of the MBR. There was no need to file for D. There was no need to for some of the tough love necessary for a S actively in a PA.

So what I did was I engaged in behaviors that increased the chances of her turning around. There were no guarantees and that was something I learned quickly, and that I remembered from our sitch in 2005. And that was to let her go to get her back. That was rediscovering the guy she fell in love with. That was by self improvement and becoming the best version of me I could be. But that was also by not reacting emotionally to what what she said or did.

That last one is difficult, and takes a lot of hard work and practice. But it really the way to maximize the chances of your S turning around. It allows you to remain upbeat, pleasant, be pleased, even happy. And that is no matter what your S says or does. People laugh when I say this but even if your spouse were to tell you he had an orgy with 12 women, your remaining emotionally even will have a profound affect on your WAS, regardless of whether or not it saves your marriage. That's an extreme example, but it hammers home the point about how important remaining emotionally detached is. And that includes that if you decide to end your marriage! You can still be pleasant, pleased, upbeat and happy, even if you are the one that decides enough is enough!

So as I got better at DBing, especially at that last one, I slowly saw my W start to want to leave less and stay more. It wasn't overnight, just like you stated, and every time I slipped up it set us back. But as I got better my W started to see me becoming that guy that she met 20 years earlier and fell in love with. Which is why GAL is so important!!

I know it is a cliche on the this board, but focusing on those 3 aspects, GAL, 180s, and detachment are crucial. And they work together. As you detach you'll get better at GAL. As you GAL, then detachment becomes easier. As you 180 and self improve the easier GAL and detachment become. Also GAL helps you see that living a life separate from your S isn't as bad as you thought it would be. They all work hand in hand.