I really need some help today. I am so incredibly furious. I have work to get on with, and we're in the house together today. There are no cafes open and my workplace is locked up and closed so I need to get a hold of myself, get on with my work, and tolerate being in the same house as him today.
I spoke to him briefly this morning. I've contacted my solicitor and asked for a telephone appointment and also emailed three estate agents to get a valuation on the house. I told him this, and told him I'd waited long enough for him to take responsibility for his abusive behaviour, and I was done, and I suggested he got his own solicitor. I told him I didn't love him any more, and it wasn't because we had disagreements or differences of opinion, it was because he had the emotional maturity of a child and I was done hearing about how his behaviour was always someone else's fault. He smirked at me. I told him I realised I couldn't kick him out of the house, but from now on he would be sleeping somewhere other than in our bed, and that I wasn't doing his washing or cooking for him. I didn't shout - I was icy calm - and he just stood there making himself a coffee and smirking at me then went into the next room to joke around with Youngest.
I've taken off my wedding rings. I feel like gathering up his stuff and throwing it onto the street, which I am not going to do.
I know I cannot convince or threaten or frighten him into treating me with love and respect, and I know that the reason he can't has nothing to do with how worthy of love and respect I am. I also know that we're not going to get to a place where he sees this through my eyes, and any attempts I make to get him to see that are likely to inflame the situation. I need to accept the reality of my situation - I have been choosing to be in relationship with a man incapable of giving me what is essential to me - and while I have stopped most but not all of the manipulative and pursuing behaviours, I have been quietly resenting him for his shortcomings.
I don't think this is a matter of my needing to drop my expectations. I think this is a case of me having perfectly reasonable needs and being sick and tired of having to pretend I am okay with them not being met. I am not okay with it, and it is now time to act.
I want to put one last thing down here so I don't forget. This big work news. It is something I have been working towards for over a year. It was extremely difficult, and I was working on it during our separation and just as he returned. I was extremely ambivalent about telling him about it, and also putting myself forward for it. The reason why was because - and I am feeling ashamed to admit this - I knew if I was successful there would be an award ceremony in my industry, a kind of public event, and I felt so sad about the idea of there being no loving partner there in the front row cheering me on. I think I did share this with him at some point - which made me feel so vulnerable and needy and stupid - and he was, at the time, very reassuring that he would be there for me.
When I got the news I had been successful, I went and told him, and he stared at me blankly and said, 'I don't know what to say about that.' I went and did my meditation class online then went and spoke to some friends online. I thought that he was probably feeling a bit envious because of his own recent work disappointment and needed some time to process. That's not pretty, but it is also entirely human and forgivable. So I gave him space. When I went back into the room he was in a few hours later, he was lying on the sofa sleeping after getting drunk. I went to bed that night instead of feeling pleased or proud or happy about my achievements, feeling entirely unloved and disregarded, and having to do all the emotional work to process that. When I look back on this moment, what I will remember is not sharing happy news with a loved one, but his blank face and withdrawal.
