Alison, you are so wise and capable of understanding the nuances in your relationships (H, your kids, even yourself!). And the advice you give to others is so incalculably lucid, loving and so true. You are the kind of woman I would be dear friends with IRL. So please take this as if I am a close friend challenging your worldview with the utmost love and respect for who you are, even if I don’t know you IRL.
Do you love your H? For who he is completely, f***ed up as he is right now, not just love in the past tense (all those good memories and shared history together), but in this moment? Is your love conditional on him behaving a certain way or meeting some expectations? And if it is a conditional love, are those expectations expressed to him? In a way or language he can understand? There are no wrong or right answers here.
If your love is conditional, what are you going to do if he can’t meet your expectations? You are in a cycle of wanting more, craving things he isn’t giving you. What’s the end game? Suffer this for the sake of your kids? Work on taking all of H’s poor behaviour on the chin until there’s a breaking point within you? Where will that leave you? What is your breaking point? When are you worth more than the suffering you are experiencing? You will be an amazing catch to anyone in this world if you were to move on. An amazing person will be worthy of you, whether it’s H or someone else.
And maybe there are enough good moments in between all the bad, not worthy of sharing because they are few and far between or negated by the contemptuous actions he takes, and those good moments keep you on the end of the hook because you ‘see’ glimpses of the ‘real’ H shining through from time to time? That’s OK too. I would keep fighting if that were the case in my sitch.
You mentioned something on my thread that I have been thinking about all day: something along the lines of not being an obstructionist in the face of piecing my M back together. Are there ways you are still being an obstructionist? Or has that boat sailed in your R?
You are so incredible and worthy. Take all those generous, moving words you share with others and hold some of it for yourself. You will be fine, with or without your H.
