Finding myself

[HaWho]

All of this ^^^^^^^^^ advice you have already received.

The good news is you are questioning and beginning to do the work on yourself. Your instincts are good and that’s why you are here questioning all this. You know you deserve more than all this. It’s all too messy. It does not need to be this complicated. You are used to complicated because of your childhood.

It probably begins with asking: why kind of relationship do I want? Someone mentioned dating and being courted. Don’t you want that? You deserve that. This is the time where you each decide if you want to choose each other. The fact that this step has been skipped completely is a huge red flag. The relationship is not founded on respect. How do you want your daughter treated by this person? If he meeting those expectations? What kind of relationship do you want to pattern for your daughter as you have control here as to her FOO. What is your daughter seeing and learning in this relationship?

Being codependent, it’s important to recognize the comfort and familiarity of fixing people to correct our childhoods. My armchair diagnosis is that you are attracted to him because he is pieces of your mom and dad and you are still looking to win their love, projected through him. If you were healthy you would kick him to the curb.

That said, you are questioning so that is growth. If you are healthier than you have been you will drop him, go completely no contact, block his number and work on you. Break the cycle you are in with him. Then, after a good amount of time, hopefully IC too, begin to date, keep it casual so you see the variety of men and ways you can be treated. (Keep your daughter out of all that completely!) If you have bad instincts, once you have worked on yourself, ask some trustworthy friends with good instincts to set you up.

If you are not healthier you will continue to cycle with him learning more life lessons and either stay stuck or more forward. I think you are at this crossroads.

Also, you mention several times you have invested years into this. It is still easier and way healthier to cut your losses than to double down on dysfunctional. We teach people how to treat us.

You say yourself you did not do the work years ago. But, you can choose to start that now. You are at a crossroads.