We do have a laugh sometimes. He likes to tease me, and often goes too far, but we did have this great friendship based on a similar sense of very dark humour and I do miss that. We used to tease each other a lot, and I guess he feels I go to far sometimes, as more often than not these days we both fail to be able to laugh at ourselves and our foibles the way we used to. I think about what FS said earlier in my last thread, about the energy being sucked out of the room because so much is being held back, and yes, I think we're both just tip-toeing around each other a lot these days.
Hard night tonight. Eldest in an irritable mood, and a minor disagreement over how to deal with it. I went upstairs to talk to Eldest, who'd stormed away over something trivial, then went for a shower. Then I came downstairs and said 'did you speak to Eldest? What can I do to support you?' (My precise words) which triggered one of his horrible rants.
I had RUBBISH boundaries. He was a nasty bully, ranting and interrupting. He gets in this state where he asks me a question, I try to answer, he interrupts me to do an impression of me giving an answer that he imagines (and 9 times out of 10 he is totally wrong in his ridiculous and deliberately belittling dramatisation of what he thinks I would have said if he'd allowed me to get a word in edgewise) then argues back at himself as if I'd said the thing he'd done an impersonation of me saying. He was totally irrational - going on like this, ranting and shouting, and accusing me of hysterics when I barely got a chance to say anything. I try to speak and he interrupts me, and when I carry on speaking over his interruption, he tells me 'You're not allowed to talk when I'm talking,' so I sit there being ranted at knowing that if I lose my temper or get upset, he's got precisely what he's after, which is this crazy emotional wife he thinks he's saddled with.
I sat calmly, asked him to keep his voice down at least six times, when he finally ran out of steam I said, 'I want to solve this with you rationally and have an adult conversation but you're acting like a bully and it isn't acceptable,' and that triggered another massive rant on his part - he said he wasn't responsible for any of his behaviour, that I'd caused it all by not doing what he said I should do regarding Eldest (it was an incredibly minor thing - I said both kids needed to get in the kitchen and do dishes before bed, and he wanted them to do it separately so they wouldn't bicker, but what that means is that Eldest does everything and Youngest hangs around waiting for him to finish and Eldest really resents that so I told them to get in there and do it together, and then they did start bickering) and if I wasn't going to do as I was told, I deserved everything I got. He really has an extremely immature and hateful, nasty side when he's riled. I was so furious I went out for a drive, and now I am back he's sleeping elsewhere, snoring away and stinking of beer.
What I should have done is what I usually do which is to leave the room the second he starts with even a tiny bit of his rage-performance. I guess I thought if I could take care of my own emotions, stay calm and try and connect with him rationally, we'd be able to make progress and I could demonstrate I wanted to collaborate with him and that I cared about what he thought - I wanted to try something other than just leaving the room whenever he acts in a way I don't like. But when he's angry - and he really was angry - he's irrational and downright mean. He said Eldest was damaged, was emotionally retarded, was ruined by my awful parenting, that it was all my fault, that I was just like my own awful parents, that I was brain-dead as I kept on doing the same things and not learning from the consequences... I spoke over him at some point, and said something like, 'I understand what your issue is, but if you're not even going to let me get a word in, how can we fix anything?' - I raised my voice but I didn't shout or scream - then he laughed sarcastically and said I was screaming and shouting at him, having hysteria because I couldn't bear to be told what to do, etc etc.
I can see why he was frustrated with me. I didn't interfere with his parenting but I did tell the kids to do something I know he doesn't approve of and they did bicker a bit, and I told them to pack it in and get on with it, then went for a shower. I don't know. Maybe my judgment is off but this just seems like a really minor part of lockdown family life - kids squabbling over chores - and not the massive slight to his ego (he said 'you're constantly making a little b*tch out of me' which suggests he felt emasculated or something?) - he seems to think it is. I know I should validate his emotions, but he doesn't say 'I feel angry' he says 'Eldest is emotionally retarded because he's just like you and you have ruined him and I won't be blamed for what a failure he is going to be' and there's nothing in that I can validate. Perhaps it is better to get the kids to do their evening chores separately and his preference was better. But in his eyes my making a misjudgement there this entirely excuses the way he treated me and in my eyes it really doesn't.
I wish I hadn't exposed myself to that as I'm hanging in this marriage by a thread as it is and don't have much energy to forgive or overlook more of his bullying.
I used to get really frightened and panicky when he treated me like this and he treated me like this every single day for years. That fear of him went away, and was replaced by contempt - and even though these tantrums from him are much rarer than they used to be (I think the last time he was like this was about two weeks ago) I think there's still a really big part of me that thinks he's pathetic and isn't emotionally mature enough to control his anger or have a rational conversation when he feels offended. Now my contempt is fading too - and while I long for closeness and intimacy in my life, I am no longer at all certain I want it with someone with such entrenched behaviours and immature values.
I'm still a bit angry, still a bit sad, and just bloody bored of the whole cycle. I'll avoid him for a few days until he picks a fight with me or accuses me of sulking or not being able to take criticism, and I'll either pretend everything is fine or get upset or avoid him some more, or it will blow over, or I'll just quietly seethe with resentment until next time. If he's in a good mood he may do some acts of service that are supposed to stand in for an apology, and I'll either resentfully ignore them or reject them, or swallow my anger and pretend that someone bringing me a cup of tea is an adequate way of taking responsibility for nasty, bullying and hurtful behaviours. At some point I will be able to say some version of 'you treated me appallingly and it isn't acceptable' and he'll say 'it's your fault for doing something I don't like' and I'll say 'I don't accept that' and the stalemate we're at - where I don't accept responsibility for his shortcomings and behaviours and he doesn't either means that the only way we function as a couple is if we keep as emotionally separate from each other as possible.
Because I am bored of the cycle and because I am part of the cycle, I need to do something different this time. I have no idea what that might look like.
I have a busy work day tomorrow, and he's not on shift in the day as he's working overnight. Which means he will be around during the day. I plan to avoid / ignore / so I can work and enjoy my day, then spend the evening having a nice family Friday night with the kids while he's at work.
