Yes, I second what WF says about not beating yourself up, period. I’ve spent time wishing I was more detached and I’ve definitely spent time overanalyzing, and ultimately, I think it’s hard not to do either, ever. Best to let yourself be. It’s okay, and you will get to where you need to be. Maybe a good time to sit outside and do a few minutes of meditating, or close your bedroom door. Maybe “You control how you play” over and over.
When I am calm and not overanalyzing, when I just feel at peace for a bit and focused on me, I do still feel this same resolve:
Originally Posted by may22
Anyway, I don't know what I'm getting at here. Just that one thing that still hasn't changed for me from where I was in January is that I don't want to be the one to break up the family. He is free to go. But I won't help him by making that choice for him.
At the simplest level: my H has made a choice (though can’t seem to act on it fully); I have made a very different choice not to be the one to file. I can own my choice (though I give myself permission to change my mind in the future), and I want to give H the freedom to own his choice. Obviously, there are complicated, difficult consequences that come with, say, choosing to leave your family to try out a fantasy R with someone else. Your job isn’t to hold his hand through this or make him feel any way about his decision. Or to feel pressure to file or not to file, all things considered. It’s to take care of yourself, whatever that means in the moment. And allow yourself the time you need to get your bearings. You are okay, may, however you are right now.
