Dillydaf- I could not agree more. I have a very low self esteem always always have. I grew up in a very rough home full of complete alcoholism, abuse, and co-dependency. I was raising my siblings by age 8. Absolutely no excuse I should have done to work the first time. I chose not to. I would like to find that person I know I can be. In fact before I met him I had found some of that confidence. I think that is why in the beginning I was able to attempt a boundary. Now I just take all his crap no matter what. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I will certainly accept any help I can get right now. I want to work hard.
.Steve- I am so grateful you responded. I have been reading the boards again for a while and I appreciate your honesty. I did mention Al-Anon not AA. I actually rarely drink as I come from a loooooong line of alcoholics and addicts. Alcoholism is prevalent on both sides of my family. My father, during my younger years, was a raging alcoholic, very abusive, and very co-dependent with my mother. I was not with my parents as an infant my grandparents raised me for 2 years as my parents were active duty. My grandma refused to give me back saying they were bad parents (there may have been some truth there). so from 2 to 13 when my parents finally D i lived with all types of physical and emotional abuse and neglect. There were times there was no food, my dad threatened to shoot my mom, physical abuse was practically daily. My brother and sister have both been alcoholics and both currently abuse prescription drugs and have dabbled in hard street drugs. After my parents divorced my father never laid a hand on any of us I did not have a relationship with him until I moved home so I did not really see most of his changes. However my siblings were very spoiled my him. I have very little contact with my mom as she remains co-dependent and very unhealthy. She is the one person I generally can detach from. I have a lot of FOO to work through I am very aware of that.
I absolutely agree he is not into me as a potential person to settle down with. I am very aware the dynamics must change whether that means I walk away or we make a commitment to a R. I am also very aware the first option is most likely. I have spent a long time in this dynamic, 4 years, I can assure you as I was typing up the first post I honestly was shocked at the amount of time I had been in this dynamic. It is insane. I really want to take the next year to get my self healthier and detach a lot more so I can also see the situation clearly. I of course do have HOPE that if I can gain some respect back and find myself again, become AWOAFWL it may change this dynamic but I do know I will survive if it does not. 2 years ago I would have been a mess and said its all meant to be and blah blah so I am coming around to the idea.
I thought I learned a lesson the last time, after spending 17 years playing this game with the guy before this. However CLEARLY I did NOT. Clearly this is a problem with me and my own self worth. I decided to do it again with another man. I probably should learn sooner or later.
Ovr- Detachment is certainly the problem. I am consistently drug back into the dynamic by my own choice. I go quiet he reaches out I pursue he pushes away. This is one of the 180's I would like to work on. I am not sure going silent is the complete answer but I do not mind if he reaches out waiting some time before answering and ending the conversation first. I also have no problem declining some of his invitations especially late at night.
I have struggled with why this girl remains there and of course he has reasonable explanations however this was one reason I was willing to work on me and distance myself a little from the situation. I do not want to continue pursing a R if he is going to live with another female whether that be just friends or not.
I am not ready to just throw the towel in and walk away as I know I have caused my share of the problems in this situation by not being healthy myself however I am absolutely wanting to detach and get a clear head. This is a mess. It is even more confusing because as I stated we have spent more time in the last 6 months together than we have in probably a 2 year span. I understand everyone in my sitch needs some time.
I am sure at some point I will also look back and feel not very good about the situation. I am hopeful I can fix myself enough to be confident in my decision either way.
Do the same DB rules apply in my situation? I feel it is so very different. I know I have behaviors I can change (pursing, always available, most often the first to speak, keeping conversations going, ect) I know I can also work on many changes for myself. But do I need to go NC or can I respond if he reaches out maybe just wait an hour or two? It is not like we fight or live in the same house so I am not clear what to do to help support what I want and support what is healthy also. Is GAL all that important in my situation other than to keep me busy? it is not like he asks what I am doing or would even know if I am home or not. I am certain he does not drive by.
Also just a little more background on him. If it matters. I do know he has some pretty tough times in life. Did not enjoy high school. When I met him 4 years ago (so he was 35) he had lost both his mom and dad but still has some contact with his step dad. He is pretty close with his grandma and I believe his brother. He is very close with his niece and nephew both are young under 10. I have never met any of his family and only one of his friends in person. I know he has had some pretty crappy R in the past so I also wonder if he has some co-dependency issues. Which I understand are his and his alone. Unfortunately however this is likely how this situation got to where it is. Neither of us seems very healthy. If he was healthy he would have walked away and same with me.
I will post more tonight. D12 and I are off for some shopping. She needs a new swimsuit and then 3.5 hours of gymnastics. Hopefully I can get my 10,000 steps in today. I have been slacking.
