Moving On

[may22]

Also what is the after-the-LRT because I suspect that is what I need to be doing?!

I just looked at it again-- after-the-LRT is basically NC. And actually regular LRT is basically what the board advocates anyway-- stop all pursuit behaviors, GAL, and be cool and careful not to go overboard when they do show any interest. End all interactions first. Etc. So I actually think folks are suggesting after-the-LRT in my sitch, not the LRT which is what I did back in January.

Alison, this is so hard. I am struggling so much right now again with detaching.... I know this is not going to be an easy or a straight line path, but that doesn't make it any easier. I have never stopped believing in my heart-of-hearts, as much as I tried to posture and detach, that he was going to choose his family. That he would never actually leave. That this was a horrible rough patch that we will need to get through but then becomes part of our story and our R is better and stronger because of the lessons we learned through this crisis. It is very early in the morning here and I woke up when H got up-- he usually starts work much earlier than I do. I know if I went into his office and told him I was having a rough time he would grab me and hold me until I was calm. I won't do it, of course, but the compulsion is just so strong right now. And it wouldn't have been, back in January. We weren't really physically connected back then, not a lot of hugs. Over the past four months we've been slowly doing more of this. It just makes it all the harder to detach now.

I have so much fear for my children and anger towards my H for putting us all in this situation. To the very core of my being, I believe that when we chose to have the two of them, we made a family and far more so than our wedding vows, to me this was a sacred promise to them never to break up the family.

(By the way, I'm typing in bed right now and think I should go get a cup of tea to enjoy!! )

may, he is right. You can't make him leave. But you can kick him out of the MBR, file for D, and then just see what takes place. He may fight you for the house. He may not. But you are right, he is cake-eating. Badly. And do not let the distance fool you. Yes she is 5000 miles away, but that could change once he really does S or D. She is probably taking a "wait and see", to see how serious he is about being with her. Note, this does not change what you need to do. Whether they are physically together or not, they have been. And will be again, whether you respect yourself and stand up for yourself or not.

Steve, I hear you. I do believe he hasn't been carrying this on for the past four months, that the recent contact is what sparked this back all up and pulled us back into this same spot. So I don't think he HAS been cake eating this whole time. He did for two years, stopped for four months, and is now back to cake, cake, cake.

I'm going to sound like a sad LBW for a second here, but I know you'll be the one to shoot me down so here goes. Here is what I think. He never fully recommitted to the M or truly let her go in his heart. He made the decision to break it off with her for logical and strong reasons, but for reasons of pride and unwillingness to do this "my way" he refused to block her numbers, etc-- he felt like it was more important for him to make a daily choice not to contact her rather than to have that choice taken away from him. And that worked, mostly, until it didn't. I am 100% sure he was starting to get over her and turn back towards the M. I saw all these little clues in how he talked to me, about us, about our future, and when we did talk about the A, in how he spoke of his feelings for her. not just the words he used but the emotion in his voice wasn't there anymore. (It definitely is now.) And he finally started to consider the enormity of what he did and take responsibility for the A in a way he hadn't to date (always been my fault for putting him in an untenable situation due to the SSM).

So, because she's not blocked, he gets her message that she's moving on, right around the same time we are finally starting to talk about the A again (we had taken a break for two months during the quarantine). So on one hand he's looking at what work he'll have to do on himself in staying in the M and on the other realizing she may be gone forever, he can't hold onto this idea that well, if it doesn't work out with May, I'll have a chance with her. And so he texts her, opens back up conversation. And he says it wasn't till the fourth day after his text, after he talked to her on the phone and learned she'd slept with someone else, when he got hit with the OMG maybe this is my one chance at happiness-- he said it was like blowing on the embers and the flames shot back up.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I guess because I'm holding onto hope that it was working, before. That maybe this is a relapse instead of a total collapse. He said she had called him on his birthday and they had a short and fine conversation and it had actually helped him on his road to recovery. That he felt happy to hear from her, glad she was doing well, and recemented that he'd made the right choice, they could no longer be together. But then this last conversation and the fear of totally losing her forever as plan A, B, whatever, kicked us back into January. So is it like fool me once, shame on you-- fool me twice, shame on me? Or is it like this is a hard and long road, he slipped, I can give him some time and space and maybe he makes the right choice-- and do this better the next time around, should he make that choice, because if we decided to try again, this time there would be no question that it would have to be 100% cold turkey, phones blocked, etc?

Also... I simply don't know that I can be the one to file for D, be the one to kick him out of the house or pack up my own bags and go. It goes against everything I believe in. And still, the thought of looking at my children and breaking their unwavering trust in us as a family and in love. I know that they believe we love them unconditionally, forever. They also believe that H and I love each other that same way. What will it do to them to see that break?

I know, H doesn't love me as an H should love a W. That the children are resilient and we both love them and will be good parents. They'll be fine. And H, not me, put us all in this situation. But I still do have choices. And I simply don't know that I can be the one to make the choice to not have both parents under the same roof.

Pure. Emotional. Abuse. "I don't care what you want or how it affects you, I am going to do it the way I want. And if you do not allow me I will escalate!"

Playing devil's advocate for a second... when I read this, it actually makes me think that this is how H sees me. I don't care about his feelings for AP, I don't even care to understand them (=not caring about wanting to understand HIM, therefore not caring about him). I don't care how sad and sorry you are about losing someone you love. You'll get over it. But I will never forgive you if you do something to hurt the children and oh I also won't be your friend.Plus, you can't live in the house you love and have put so much time and energy and love into.

I think this is how he sees me-- threatening to take away things that are incredibly important to him and unwilling to accept that his love for AP is real and may never go away. He never had a long-term GF before me, never told anyone he loved them before me. So he doesn't know how to break up with someone.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm getting at here. Just that one thing that still hasn't changed for me from where I was in January is that I don't want to be the one to break up the family. He is free to go. But I won't help him by making that choice for him.

Pommy, I probably miswrote that. I don't even know that it is something she said to him in this past week when they've been back in touch-- I know it was in January/February. But I know she told him within the last week she was GOING to block her phone because she couldn't handle being in touch with him. (she didn't.) And then I think Saturday they had a whole talk where she said she didn't need kids actually and she just loved him so much and their R had been so difficult all this time it was worth seeing what it would be like if they gave it a real chance.

I do think he made it clear that their R was over in February. He said he fully expected her to move on at that time. Also because one of his reasons for ending it was because she didn't want children and even though she'd been backsliding on that in Jan/Feb, he knew it was important to her and something he wasn't willing to do. But I do think in both of their heads they were both holding onto the flame of maybe at some point in the future. I know he was for sure. On her end, who knows/cares. She has given him ultimatums throughout all of this and then backslid. It sounds like they broke up half a dozen times because she didn't want to be with him unless he left me. But then a few weeks later one of them would reach out and it would start back up. I thought this time would be different because it was him that made the choice.

Dilly-- thanks for the virtual hug. I need it.

FS-- thinking a lot about this and how/if I can pull it off. I want to spend a little more time just trying to get my head in a better place so that I can really work on how I can take back even a little bit of the power here.