There was some texting with my MIL. She has been actively asking to come to S18 grad party. So I texted her yesterday that official invites went out and that hopefully SS20 will be home on leave at that time so I sent his invite to his gf's place. ***I almost mentioned my H to her and let her know that he thought it would be awkward if he came to S18 party, but I completely left my H out of it.*** I'm glad I did. But, it was tempting to talk to her.
MIL responded that yes hopefully everyone gets to come... it will be grand.
Later MIL was asking what S18 was currently into, as I assume meaning a gift.
Spent the day party planning and picking up supplies. Making a list of what I still needed. I'm going to meet with my mom next week and divide up some tasks to make it easier on me.
I spent last night dealing with the urge to text him "I miss you". UGH... where is that coming from ???? Of course I miss him. But, my brain knows he is done with me and wants nothing to do with me. It would just be a big push. Thank goodness I just went to bed.
Trying to analyze where my anxiety is coming from --- he has not brought up the FO, Atty or D in over 5 weeks. Which means its due to be brought up soon. He is coming next week to pick up mail and personal paperwork from file cabinet. Will get his paperwork from his atty from his previous D trigger him to bring up our D?
Its easy for my brain to lull me into thinking that because he is not pushing as hard as he was 2months ago that maybe he doesn't want to rush any of this any longer. Maybe he is still dealing with some sort of doubt?
But, then I sit and tell myself if that were the case then he wouldn't be texting and trying to insure the cable was not in his name... if it was not why was he getting information on the bill, etc. If he was starting to have doubts about going through a second D then he wouldn't suddenly state he wasn't going to come to S18 party because it would be awkward.
Trying to solve it like a math puzzle... that's logic. But, this is emotional and no logic is going to effect that.
So I'm sitting with the idea that perhaps I should just move things forward? That puts me in control and then I no longer spend my time thinking... is this the day he texts/calls about D? Or, I get a notice that he finally has atty? But, the thought of all that work is exhausting to me... very exhausting. I will admit that I've been behaving like an ostrich with my head in the sand... i just don't want to acknowledge it let alone deal with it.
Then the other half of me is like... what if I fast track everything... and he was really trying to sit with his feelings and figure things out but I derail that by pushing it forward?
Believe nothing he says... and 50% of what he does. Does that still apply in my situation????
He wanted to be done so badly in the beginning. There was so much anger. If he is dragging his feet now... any hope that he is doubting his current choices?
Either way I'm thankful I did not give in last night and stuck it out. Maybe I need to have my AD's upped.
