Finding myself

[SteveLW]

Rdy, wow that was painful for me. Painful because......I've been there. More on that in a minute.

First you mention AA. You mentioned you stopped going. What you don't mention is if you are still drinking or not. Are you? Another way I relate to your post is that I am a former alcoholic. I have now been sober for 26 years (wow! over half my lfe!). And I can honestly tell you that the best decision I ever made was to fix my addiction, move on from it and never look back. I do not miss alcohol even in the slightest! When I was a drunk, every day I woke up was painful, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Living without alcohol is so much less painful! I love getting up in the morning clear-headed and ready to be productive! I encourage you to do whatever it takes to overcome your addiction if you are still struggling with it. Your life will be so much better for it.

Now, back to why reading your situation hurt to read. I have mentioned on this forum several times about a decades long on-again, off-again relationship I had with a girl/woman. I don't know what it was about me that she kept for so long reeling me back in, but there was an emotional pull there. It started with her in the early 80s when we were in grade school, and it continued right up until about 10 years ago.

But the pattern was the same. Throughout the 80s she would make me think we were going to be in a R, but what she really wanted was just friendship. She knew I would never settle for that, so she would dangle the R in front of me. In the mid 80s she met a BF and they had a long-term R, but throughout the behavior you mention would go on. I wouldn't hear from her for weeks, then they'd break up and she'd come calling. I'd get my hopes up that this time it would be different, then she'd go dark again when they got back together.

In the early 90s, I finally started moving on. I started dating. Had a couple of Rs with other girls and this drove her nuts. She was insane with jealousy. In 1990, because I had moved on she wouldn't leave me alone and our friendship deteriorated into being very contentious. In 1991 I met this gorgeous girl from another country and we started dating. This "friend" was insane with jealousy. When the girl went back to her country after a few months, and our R was over because of it, this "friend" suddenly went dark again.

During this dark period she met her now husband and finally broke it off with the loser she had been with since the mid-80s. When I found out about that it was a slap in the face. I had always believed that if she could ever leave the loser, we could be together. But here I was single, and she finally dumped him.....for another guy! It really opened my eyes to a truth I am going to share with you below.

For the next few years, the same thing occurred as in your situation. She'd call a talk about how her relationship with her future H wasn't good, and what was possible for us. At first I would fall for it, but then when she'd go dark I'd kick myself for letting me get my hopes up. I dated dozens of people during those years. In the mid 90s she called me saying how her and her BF were going to break up because he was taking a job hours away, and she wanted to be with me. She wanted to kiss me again (all we ever did was kiss). 2 weeks later she called back and it was all small talk and pleasantries. I finally asked what happened with the job and her response was odd: "What job?" I reminded her of the job that her BF was going to take and she said "Oh,. he didn't take it."

Those phone calls let me really move on, and I dated a lot of girls over the next year before I met my now W. This friend continued to try to engage with me, calling me at work, etc even as she married her BF, and I married my W. I finally told her that I wasn't comfortable talking to her now that we were both married, and she stopped calling. Then her dog died and she called me again after a couple of years. I could tell she was thrilled to be back in contact with me. She started calling regular again. I took another assignment at work and was away from my desk alot, so after a few years of calling me every 4week to 3 months, she finally stopped calling.

Several years went by until she found me on MySpace (by the way, I hate SM and now refuse to use it at all!), and asked for my cell phone #. My Nice Guy Syndrome didn't allow me to say no, and the pattern started again. Within a couple of years she was back to calling me regularly. And eventually the talk turned to her wondering what it would be like ot have an A with me. I made it clear I was not open to that, that I felt if people put the energy of an affair into their marriage then their marriage would be improved. She went dark on me again, only contacting me every 6 months or so. I found out later that she had an affair with another guy we had grown up. When that A ended she started calling me a lot more.

Things were bad in my MR and this time I relented. It evolved into an EA. Though a lot of the same cycle was going on with her. She eventually get into sexual talk, even talk about us meeting, but then she'd back off again. Finally after a year and a half I pulled the plug and told her I was done with the EA and talk of a PA. Since then she has continued to occasionally call and text. Sometimes I take the calls or responds, sometimes I don't, but to her credit except for a couple of attempts, she has kept it on the up and up. And her MR now seems better.

The bottom line through all of this was a simple truth, and I think this is the case in your situation too. She just wasn't that into me. While she liked having me in her life, she didn't see me as a potential. Look at facts, she left her longtime BF and started her R with her now H, despite acting like for years that if she could ever leave the loser, then we could be together. Then she had a PA with another guy, and never allowed (thankfully now!) our EA to progress to a PA. The answer is as clear as the nose on my face.

So the truth is, this guy just isn't into you. The addict GF. Then acting weird about allowing you over. Now a "house guest" (sorry, ain't buying that!), he likes you as a friend. But doesn't see you as a potential. I know that hurts to face, I've been there. But I would hate to see you waste anymore time waiting for this guy.

If I could do it over again, I would have made sure that this "friend" of mine didn't have my contact information. I highly suggest you get a new phone number, and if he shows up tell him you are through with him. To quote my mom: if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. Your best move is to move on.

You seem like a sweet person. I am sure you have a lot to offer someone that was into you. One thing I learned through the nearly 40 years that she has done this dance with me is that finding someone you are crazy about isn't what is important. What you should be doing is finding someone that is crazy for you! If you want true happiness, that is what you will do. Find someone that is willing to move mountains to be with you. Short of that, you are just asking for R problems down the line.

Hope this helped.