Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Just journalling.

LH, Steve - thanks for your comments - talking about being at a dangerous point did give me a lot of anxiety but also grounded me a little. It really is hard to know how to navigate this path to reconcilliation. When you are coming from a place of mistrust, resentment, and barely recognising the person you are now contemplating spending the rest of your life with, you find yourself doubting and questionning every comment and action, looking for the hidden motive. Ugh, no wonder everyone says R and then piecing is so hard.

In general, however, it's been a steady couple of weeks. We have spent maybe every other evening together, sometimes as a family, and sometimes just the two of us. We're still in lockdown, so getting out and about is limited, but we do have separate houses which gives us a bit of non-family space.

He is generally being very loving and attentive - I can definitely see a change from the person I disliked and barely recognised for the last year. We talk a lot about future plans (financial planning, leisure planning) but we have not talked about the M at all, or where we go from here. I did probe more into what has happened with the EAP and he said it was a friendship that just fizzled out. (He hasnt seen her for 4 months, doesnt have her in his phone, is no longer in any group chats with her.) I did ask him to tell me the truth about a couple of things that were bugging me about his meetups with her and he has denied any wrongdoing other than that it was an EA. He swears that there was never any PA or even a kiss, even though he has admitted in the past being confused about his feelings for her.

He has dropped a few hints about moving back home. It's very much assumed by both of us that he will move back, but we havent discussed when and I'm not pushing that conversation. I dont know if it's because I'm not sure (I think I am sure but a little scared) or because I dont want to relinquish all the control right now. I guess I'm a little fearful of things slipping back to the way they were, of being ignored, unloved, etc. He has told me that he feels completely different now to how he felt before he left, and that lockdown and being apart has been a valuable life lesson. I asked him what he had learnt and he said that he loves me, that he knows what's important to him in life, that the confusion he felt when he left was for a reason [he always said he didnt understand why he felt the need to leave knowing that he loved me and he now realises leaving was a mistake], that I have stood by him and remained loyal which means a huge amount to him.

I'm not sure if there is any more I could ask for right now, but I still feel really uneasy some days and I dont know why? I think it's maybe insecurity and this is the last thing I want him to see in me - I dont want to be clingy, needy, insecure - everything I was last year, so I'm trying to remain confident, give off good vibes about the R but not overly pursue him.