I think that's right, May. For the longest time I was not able to have good boundaries with my H and I am still astonished at the behaviour I tolerated (and allowed from myself). It isn't like that any more, but I don't seem to be able to lower the boundaries even a little bit and I do struggle to forgive my previous self for being such a wailing doormat.
I am extremely suspicious of him. Not that he is in an EA - he is still very transparent over that - his tech and where he is and what time he will be back - it's kind of automatic for him now to let me know when he's leaving work, or if he's been delayed, and I trust and appreciate that (and if I left the house ever at the moment (!!), I'd be willing to do the same for him), and there are no 'signs' that I recognise from last time.
I am suspicious that he's not in this with me for the right reasons. That he is being dishonest with me and himself. I am worried he wants the house and the kids and the security and no social stigma of a failed marriage, and for that to work in his mind, he still needs to be this victim of a crazy wife, and that's a story I don't listen to or participate in any more, and I'm not sure we know any other dance moves to do together.
I know he responds really well to appreciation, and there are many things he is going that I can honestly and genuinely verbally appreciate right now. I also know he's having a really intense and traumatic time at work (this is not an excuse - he works in medicine and it's awful for him right now) and I need to weigh that in here, and know that his natural response is to withdraw and my natural response is to read the worst possible motivations into that.
