I realized today that I am *still* trying to control him with my own behaviors in little ways. Last night I went and laid on the bed with my computer instead of on the regular couch where we always sit after the kids go to bed to work on my financial spreadsheets, in my mind so that I had a little more privacy, but really because I knew it would make him come talk to me. Ask him a logistical question with a little more edge than is needed because I'm angry and sad and want to be sure he doesn't forget that and then really monitor to see if it landed. None of this is purposeful, but all the talk about boundaries and control on this thread have really opened up my eyes to my own dysfunctional behaviors, and just how fully attached I am right now. It also makes me wonder how much of why I'm standing is because I'm angry at him for forcing this story into our lives and making me be a divorced 45-year-old woman whose husband had a stupid cliche affair with a 34 year old, or because I really want to work things out with him for my kids or whatever. Ugh.
This is so familiar to me, May. You are so wise and brave in going there, and noticing it - just sitting with it for now. I recognise this, and I know it's still in my marriage on my part. I don't know if I even want to bother piecing right now (I am asking myself the same questions about my motivations as you are) but first order of business seems to be to work on these manipulative behaviours (I am talking about me, not you) so that I can connect with myself - what I really think and what I want - rather than the endless task of trying to extract some desired behaviour / emotion / words from my husband.
I think you are on the right track and that you'll be fine. You're not spinning and crashing - your husband is, and it only feels like you are because you're hooked in to him. When you unhook, it will be painful and there will be grief and uncertainty, but also clarity, and an ability to tend to your own feelings.
