I did want to add. I have read both DR and DB. I think I should probably read them again. I wanted to also add at the beginning of June when he stopped by and we were talking we did have a small conversation about his drinking. I have commented on it before. This is a conversation that has come up. He says he is not an alcoholic he is just a binge drinker. While part of me agrees another part of me is not certain I agree with that statement. This is a sudden change (I almost consider it his MLC in a way). He is adamant he does not drink to drink away his problems he just enjoys drinking. I am not sure what to take from that.
I also want to be clear I am certain he knows where I stand and what I want from this situation. He recently (In March I believe) as we were laying on the couch mentioned he does not put much effort into many things...I commented back I am very aware but I am not going to down that path....He then responded I just lobed a softball your way and your not even going to take it? I changed the subject. That comment in itself tells me he knows exactly where I stand. He knows he is not putting in the effort he could/should/wants/ to I am not even sure.
One other thing. He is 39 years old and no kids. Several years ago he left his fiance at the alter, she had cheated on him twice I believe. I do believe he has forgiven this woman. He has mentioned before that every once in a while they talk because she knows him so well. He understands how their relationship failed. He worked overnight and overtime to make ends me she was in vet school and it just did not work. He then had another gf who was not good to him either. Then the third one was an addict. He has had a rough few relationships so I do understand his lack of commitment.
Again I know my situation is different from others here. I am wanting this man to commit to a R and move forward with both of our lives. To a point I do feel like I am in limbo in ways also. I guess In a way we have always been in at least an emotional relationship and I want to see if we can move it to more of a committed relationship. I know I need to work on me first so if it moves in that direction it can begin on healthier terms. I have spend 4 years in this "limbo" something has to change.
I do also do some mind reading, he has always stated my D is his favorite and my D adores him as well. Of course I try to keep most of their contact limited as this is not the best R at the moment to show her. However part of me wonders if he keeps this distance because he fears having to raise a child. He has no children of his own. Many times though he will joke that he would rather hang out with her than me. We even jokingly call her is princess.
I have some large goals I will be working on this week to break down into manageable goals. 1. Work through some more co-dependency and FOO 2. Find and IC 3. I am working on changing my eating habits and some weight loss I was 30 pounds heavier when I met him but I still have 30-40 I want to lose 4. I would like to be a more present when with my D. I feel like we have such busy lives we get distracted 5. more GAL (my D and I were doing a lot of small outdoor travel around our state and some hiking at different parks and in the last week or 2 I have gotten lazy about it) 6. I am also in Nursing school so I have some goals there also
