Moving On

[may22]

Thanks, Hope. I really appreciate your words-- they mean a lot. I don't feel strong or smart from where I sit. I feel I have screwed up a lot. It is a lot to process right now, with everything else going on in the world too.

H took the kids out of the house for a hike this afternoon, so I have a little time and space to myself. It has been nice. I realized today that I am *still* trying to control him with my own behaviors in little ways. Last night I went and laid on the bed with my computer instead of on the regular couch where we always sit after the kids go to bed to work on my financial spreadsheets, in my mind so that I had a little more privacy, but really because I knew it would make him come talk to me. Ask him a logistical question with a little more edge than is needed because I'm angry and sad and want to be sure he doesn't forget that and then really monitor to see if it landed. None of this is purposeful, but all the talk about boundaries and control on this thread have really opened up my eyes to my own dysfunctional behaviors, and just how fully attached I am right now. It also makes me wonder how much of why I'm standing is because I'm angry at him for forcing this story into our lives and making me be a divorced 45-year-old woman whose husband had a stupid cliche affair with a 34 year old, or because I really want to work things out with him for my kids or whatever. Ugh.

My plan for the next few days is to be kind to myself, spend time thinking about me and what my needs are at this time. Not engage in any conversations about the R or A or the future or anything (unless he say's he's leaving, in which case I will say terrific! Let me help. What shall we tell the children?). Just focus on myself, detaching, ensuring that none of my words or behaviors are attempting to influence him in any way. Do my best to be neutral while I get to little better mental place so that I can figure out my next steps from more solid footing.

Thanks to all of you guys for helping me through this. I agree, cold cold LRT (or maybe the after-the-LRT) approach is the best way forward. I just need to figure out how I can accomplish that while being a good mom to my children, living my values, and ensuring anything I need for that space is within my control. I just re-read the sections of DR. (Man, MWD is so chirpy and positive. Not really jibing with me at the moment!)

xoxo