I was here many years ago moved past that relationship and am very glad I learned a few lessons. I come back here as I find my self in a different situation and am needing some guidance.
When I left my ex 5 years ago I was in IC and attending Al-Anon meetings to heal some codpendency and adult child issues. I have since discontinued attending both however I stay in contact with my sponsor. I am very aware I should have stuck that out and continued going. I still have a lot of self work to do. I had actually committed to being single forever after the last situation however....
Sep. 2016-As for the situation I am currently in. I moved home when I left my ex H for a while. I left with nothing but my clothes and my D12's clothes. I needed to get back on my feet. I was sitting outside one afternoon 4 years ago on the phone when a gentleman showed up on the sidewalk. I got off the phone asked him what he needed. He was there to work on something for my dad. I of course stayed outside as my dad was not yet home to keep an eye on things. This guy and I started talking (Im 34 and he is 39... my dad met him at a second job and they were friends). The first day I met him we walked around working on the camper and laughing and joking. I had never had an instant connection with anyone like that before. It was like we had known each other our whole lives. As he was leaving that night he asked me what I was making him for dinner the following night. He had more work to do apparently. I offered to make spaghetti. He said he would be there around 530 showed up at 430 and we worked on the camper a little more and he joined us for dinner. We spent the whole evening just talking, laughing and working. Found out he actually lives in a house I used to live in as a kid. It was all just very strange.
The first day I met this guy gave me his address, invited me to a hockey game, and we talked about our R status. It was a whirlwind few days. He mentioned he was not married and neither was I. I assumed of course this meant he was single. We chatted a lot over social media I mean 100+ messages a day for a few weeks and then he mentioned he had a gf. I called him out immediately and said I clearly asked that. He reminded me of course that I asked if he had been married. He skirted around the truth. I immediately told him we could not talk I was not going to be the other woman. That was a trait of the past relationship I left. He agreed we should not talk. I made it clear I wanted to respect his R and I had enough Respect for us both to just walk away. It would not affect his friendship with my dad. We dont speak for a few days and he reaches out and says we can talk it just needs to be appropriate. I am of course hesitant of this. I again state I just want to keep it respectful.
The next day I get a message saying I just can not NOT talk to you. We need to talk. So he explains the situation with his GF. She is an addict and things have been bad for a long time but he does not want to just kick her out as she will be on the streets. We have a long conversation about the whole situation agree to keep it as just friends until he figures things out.
2017-Throughout the year there becomes a pattern....They break up he speaks to me they get back together he blocks me. I allow this to go on for a year. (Yes Im aware 2x4 lost a ton of respect here) I call him out on it again. I will not tolerate people who are in and out of my life. Of course he says it wont happen anymore blah blah blah. So we are now into a year and a half of this awful pattern where He shows up at house about every 6 months or so just to talk, especially when they are fighting. I try keep it to just speaking as friends but of course at times it becomes not just friendly chatter. When we are speaking its 100 messages a day then its silent. About 1.5 years into this mess (IDK what to even call it) i get blocked for 4 months. At this point im like OK this is over. I am working 2 jobs at the time and raising a kid. I lay down for a quick nap one afternoon and my phone goes off. 4 MONTHS LATER (probably should have stayed NC)
He apologizes says he saw my dad somewhere and it made him think he should apologize. He states he understands if I do not want to speak with him and if I want to call him names under my breath. I of course answer him we talk a bit I find out she moved out again and its like we never missed a beat. This 4 months was the longest I had been blocked usually it was a week or 2. Of course a few months later he lets her back in but does not block me we keep talking.They had a preplanned trip to another state to see her kids that were taken away for winter break. He promises me I will not get blocked they were not together and he will keep it fair to everyone he had already paid for the trip so he was going. I of course end up blocked again for the two weeks he was gone. He sends me a message the day he gets back letting me know he is home safe and we will talk soon. At some point during this year we did make out but it was a point when they were split up she had been moved out. So at this point this friendship takes a step across the line.
2018 things continue to be off an on with this GF of his and he continues his pattern of blocking and unblocking. I continue to be forgiving and just try to understand that this a situation he feels kind of stuck in. I again attempt to put a boundary in that it needs to be just a friends relationship until he figures things out and I will be patient. I know what its like being twisted with an addict. He assures me I just need to be patient while he figures all of this out he assures me he will figure things out and is very appreciative of my support and friendship during all of this.
2019 She finally gets arrested and he kicks her out for good in February. Of course he mourns the final ending of this relationship and apparently decides he is going to act like a 20 year old. We hang out a few times (like still every 4-6 months he would stop by and that was it) We still talked a few times a week and sometimes daily but I could tell something shifted in the dynamics. He suddenly became the exact opposite of the man I met. He began drinking several nights a week stopped working side jobs and started frequenting the bar. Our conversations turned into me prying him to talk and/or a few answers here and there. Occasionally we would talk 30-40 messages a day or so but nothing like we did prior. I chopped it up to he is just mourning the change in his life and finding his own way out of this mess. I was finally allowed at his house once or twice this year. He has always said he does not like having people there and because the EX would just show up randomly to cause problems he generally did not allow people out there.
Dec 2019- he comes over to have a drink and ends up staying until 3AM. This is the first time we actually spend a large amount of time together. He was drinking I was sober and we just laid around on the couch and watched tv all night. I did not allow anything more than that to happen.
2020- I have not been blocked since early 2019. We continue to talk in small amounts typically. In February and March I spent 3-4 evenings out at the house laying around on the couch and of course some making out. This was quite a bit of time for us to spend together as usually its 3-4 times a year and maybe an hour or two. He spent that month on a "diet" and was sober so he was more often. Of course as soon as the diet ended and he could go out again he was quieter. Of course COVID came mid March, which is also his bday. The bars actually closed a day before his bday. He works across the street from the grocery store I shop at. On his birthday my daughter and I met him there on his lunch break with a card and cake. She asked to go see his work so he allowed us over there. It was very strange because anytime I have asked him to meet me at his work he always just says we can meet at the store. I saw this as a positive. It was just about a year of him breaking free. We talked a little but due to COVID and both of us working still we kind of stayed away from each other.
April 2020- He of course goes out gets very intoxicated and sends me a message in the middle of the night. Asks me to come out to the house and spend some time with him. I of course get up and head out because I have not seen him in over a month. We are laying around watching TV and end up sleeping together that night. I had never stayed at the house but he was insistent that he did not mind and I could stay. No big deal I got up and left when he got up for work. I had been quiet for a few days and he finally contacted me. Apparently he was out drinking with my dad a female friend. My dad informs me a few days later he was helping him work on something. I said NOTHING to my dad about this girl he was with as my "friend" had not hid who he was with. My dad ADAMANTLY blurts out that they are just friends and she is quarantining there as she lives in a big city and he lives in the country. I did NOT ask my dad anything as I do not involve my dad in anything regarding this person. I generally believe my dad thinks we are just friends. It was just very strange how adamant my dad was especially without being asked. I then asked my "friend" what was going on and when his "house guest" was leaving (this is what he referred to her as). He states she should be gone in a week. I again go quiet for two weeks.
May 2020 I get a message on a Sunday early evening he is clearly drinking and we just laugh and joke like 60 messages back and forth he ends up staying at his male friends house. I ask about his house guest and why she is still there. He just says she wont leave and it does not matter because he is not there anyways. They end up taking a three day trip to Oklahoma. This is not out of the ordinary for him. He and I have planned a trip to another state this winter and he travels with friends frequently. I do not speak to him while he is gone. I am kind of distant with him because I am not sure what is going on it seems odd to me this girl is just staying for this long.
June 2020 he decides to show up in the middle of the night again after drinking. My D is not home so we go in and are watching tv and end up sleeping together again. We spent a few hours prior to this happening talking. I of course ask why this girl is still there and ask if he slept with her or something to make her stay. He insists he did not that his best friend did and he was planning to make her leave. I do not say a word to him for a few days, as one thing i know I need to change in general not just with him is that i can be clingy and pushy. I ended up talking to him toward the end of the week. He is very adamant during our talk that she does not sleep in bed with him if he sleeps in bed she is on the couch if he lays on the couch she sleeps in the bed. He is adamant there is nothing going on between them that they are just friends and he will make her leave when he is sick enough of it and he does not care if it ruins their friendship. I have no real reason not to believe him. I asked very direct questions he could not skirt around. The only time he has done that is when i asked if he was married. He has always been very straight forward if I ask direct questions.
I have been quiet for about 10 days now as I would like to see if he makes contact with me. The first time I did this it took him 3 weeks to make contact with me. When I made the same choice just to back a way a little in April it took him about two weeks to reach out and then we ended up sleeping together. I am NOT doing this as a way to manipulate the situation. I made a choice after this last time we slept together at the beginning of June that I needed to DETACH a little and look at this situation with more clarity. i needed to take some time to figure out why I am still waiting for this man. I need to figure out if I want to keep waiting or walk away. I stayed a part of his life while he worked through leaving his GF and was always adamant I would support any decision he made whether that was stay or go. I also stayed for the last year while he did a 180 and decided to act like a 20 year old and drink. I wanted to give him time to mourn his last relationship and not jump into another. I want him to take the time he needs but I have needs and wants also.
I have given this many plenty of outs. Plenty of chances to walk away. Heck I was blocked for 4 months he never had to say a word I would not have even tired after that. I accepted the friendship was over. I have told him several times all he has to do is speak up and I will gladly walk away. He never does and he generally reaches out when I attempt to detach.
I try not to pry to much into what he is doing as this has not been a committed relationship. However one thing he was always adamant with me about in the beginning was that he does not have sex with people he does not care about. I would like to believe he sticks to this core value and I am the only one he is having sex with. He seems adamant he is not sleeping with this other friend and its not like he can bring people home with her there. He does not even let me come out to the house.
I did give into a codependent behavior and drove by today to see if she was still there. Of course her vehicle was still there. I was tempted to just ask if she was still there but I decided my peace and detachment was more important right now. It is not like I can force him to make her leave or control the situation. I do believe what he is telling me 100% because I am positive he would be honest with me or just stop speaking to me as he has in the past.
I know my situation is much different from most people here as most you you are married or at least in committed relationships. I guess I am here to fix myself and figure out if I want to keep waiting on this relationship. It seems so strange to me that in someways this "relationship" has advanced just very very slowly. It has become more physical and less emotional. In the beginning it was most certainly and emotional relationship and now it has become slightly more physical. I am honestly not sure what I want to do part of me wants to walk away and be like sorry I have stood by you long enough and part of me understands where exactly he is. A year after I left I wanted nothing to do with a relationship until he was dropped out of nowhere on my sidewalk.
I have set a year as my re-evaluation period. I want to do some major self work and some detaching and see what happens. I am certainly willing to make a decision before that year if I need.
Sorry for the long post and it my situation does not fit on the boards please just let me know. I know I slacked off an only made changes the last time because i wanted to save my marriage. This time I want to work extra hard and make the changes permanent and for me.
