DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[may22]

If you can answer a few q's: Did he say that this OW was not important? that it was not her but the marriage that was the problem?

Before I knew the full situation, he insisted it was the M that was the problem. It only became once I learned the full extent of the A that it became clear it is mostly about AP and his fear of losing her. He definitely leans on the problems in the MR for why it happened in the first place, but that is just him placing blame anywhere but on himself. If AP weren't in the picture, I think we'd be in a different place right now.

The systemic problem that he said that caused him to wander was his loneliness and belief that he could not find happiness with me. We are co-habitating but we are not really talking - not connecting - and he absolutely does not make any efforts to outside of small talk. He has told me that even small talk is effort for him! So, from what I understand from him, he said he stepped out in the first place due to this 'no connection' with me, so I feel that to DB in some way re-enforces this. I mean, how can one DB and connect? Detaching and Connecting are the exact opposite!

My H has said the same thing about not believing he could find happiness in the MR with me. There is a level of circular reasoning going on here-- I think he HAS to believe it is impossible to be happy with me, because if he accepted that as a possibility, then it makes what he did with AP somehow less justified in his mind.

I think you need to give him SPACE. If small talk is an effort for him, why would you want to put him through that? He may be at a place right now where being around you is difficult for whatever reason, and you don't want to actively aggravate him. I would just DB, focus on you, let him be for now. When he does reach out and try to connect-- and he probably will-- be warm and make eye contact, listen, validate, but don't overdo it. Then go back to focusing on yourself.

It may very well be heading straight on into a car wreck at 100 mph. But you do know what to do, you need to get out of the car. And you do that by continuing to detach.

Spiral, I really like this. Thanks for sharing it.