Do I leave the house?

[ShaneG]

Was that pre-incarceration? Presumably, while you were imprisoned, your wife figured out how to make it without you bailing her out--whether that meant becoming more self-reliant or making new allies.

Yes it was pre-incarceration. I was still keeping a low profile when I first came home and then Covid shut everything down. "Self-reliant" is a loaded phrase. She got the important things done but again pushed herself too hard. She never took time for herself and she told me once I was home and the counselor confirmed that she was very close to giving up. I wasn't clear if that was suicidal or just catatonic depression. But the counselor did help her through that and also diagnosed her with PTSD. Well, those were the words used, I didn't see the med charts myself. House was in significant disrepair, a complete mess that might actually qualify as squalor, several bills were weeks and sometime months late. So the term would be that she had survived 15 months but if it had to go 24 it could have been a problem.

With the counselor's guidance I was very careful to validate her efforts and never critical, although I think she felt guilty and might have even felt she deserved for me to be mad. She has always considered herself fully capable of being independent. But as you said, that was my fault and she paid the price and I acknowledge it several times, albeit not lately.

I know that I have had significant post traumatic stress, but the counselor admitted that I never actually hit the "syndrome" stage like my wife did and that I might have even been an example of post traumatic growth. There is a difference between surviving and thriving. I know that I will survive this regardless. Nevertheless, when my wife and I are on the same page working as a team, then we definitely thrive. It's just been a while since we were both working together towards a specific goal versus just general.

It sounds passive. If one of your 180s is to prioritize your kids, why are you doing "whatever [your wife] needs"--anything from 0% staying out of the way or being ordered around all night to create her vision? It sounds like you could take or leave preparing for your kids' at-home prom. You say you love doing things for your kids and used to be an active participant. Is there something you could "own" to show your kids dad's back without stepping on her toes? E.g., a backdrop matching her theme, while still helping your wife?

The context was a bit different. She asked whether I was going to be able to help with my daughter's back yard Prom, because she knows that I work Saturday. But then she threw in the zinger of "or were you even planning to be here?".
I basically ignored the last part.

My wife is definitely the planner/organizer. I do lots of things for the kids, but I'm the worker. I usually let someone else lead, and we have lots of A-type parents in our area. It's also kinda like what Michele says about if one person takes on all of one aspect of a relationship, then the other backs off. It's always been that way for planning parties and vacations and such big events. My wife just loves the planning. And she is pretty damn awesome about creating great stuff on a shoestring budget. She's just creative that way. I'm not.

So on the one hand, while planning such events/activities myself without the wife's input would be a very big step for me, I don't want to have my daughter's prom be my testing grounds. Kid has already been through too much with Covid killing the end of her senior year. Thus, in this instance, I decided just to be the loyal trooper and worker bee. I think I was just too enthusiastic.

But longer term, I want to plan some activities for the kids and I.

Are any single dads coming? You can't control your wife, but curious about the landscape.

I'm expecting some other parents to show up. The exact attendance is still up in the air as we don't have all the RSVPs. But honestly, we just don't know many divorced couples, and we may end up being the first in this parent circle.

PS - Do check COVID rates in your state--are a higher percentage of people testing positive? If so, consider if there are any safety precautions you could take to protect your family and guests.

Can of worms that one. Throughout this, my wife has been the overprotective/conservative one because she works with cancer patients. I on the other hand have a significantly different opinion about how it all should have been handled. Not for someone like her in healthcare, but for most other people, I sorta voiced a more libertarian opinion a couple times about govt overreach, and was quickly shot down. So I've let her take the lead on what precautions she is comfortable with for the family considering her patients. For me to now step in and be the one pushing for safety.... I think it would be viewed kinda like pursuing and antagonizing.

So I think in this instance, I'm just focused on completing the task list, keeping communications benign and logistics focused, being available for the inevitable last minute emergency tasks, and making sure that I do not give her any reason to pick a fight, nor do anything to pick one myself.

Then, I need to focus longer term on the next big events: dropping off oldest daughter at college, restarting school and marching band for youngest daughter (which will likely include some prop building for me). And sometime in there trying to plan a weekend getaway for the girls and I...a short distance road trip.