Moving On

[may22]

Notice how fast he dropped the ‘Don’t you know how much I still love you?’ facade once you threatened him with consequences? That’s the emotional abuse right there.

Fighting you for the house would financially and emotionally devastate not only you, but your children. And probably him as well. He knows this. And he would do it without a second thought to punish you for finally standing up for yourself? May, I don’t think this man loves you. He’s using you. Allison is right, he’s trying to frighten you to shut you up.

He wouldn't do it. I know these are empty threats. He's just saying it to frighten me-- I absolutely agree that he is being manipulative and trying to use that to make me back down about wanting him to leave. I can't say that throughout all of this I haven't been guilty of the exact same thing-- trying to control him through threats. I have worked on this, though, and am really trying to be sure what I am perceiving as my boundaries are truly that and not meant to force a certain response from him. I know I need to sit in my own space and focus on me and what I can control, and let go of what I can't.

I think this is a boundaries issue too, an unhealthy dynamic that used to be far, far more present in our R and is now much less present. We used to always need the other person to agree and would argue over the dumbest things just to be right. We also both know how to push the other's buttons better than anyone in the world. I know exactly what i can say in any situation to infuriate him, and he can do the same. We used to fight all the time two, three, four years ago like this. If I'd been BDed when we were in that space, we'd have been done that very night.

The irony is that we've done a lot of work together and improved the relationship between the two of us so much in the past six months or so. I know he has been trying and working on himself in these areas, and I have seen a lot of improvements in how he can take responsibility for (small) things, avoid the temptation to lash out, to stop being an a-hole. In any case, I don't actually believe for a minute he would go there. The problem is, he thinks the same thing of me-- he doesn't believe I'll actually follow through on any of this. The stress around all of this is bringing out the worst in both of us.

I don't want this to come across like I'm defending him-- I'm not. He is being manipulative, and just because I've been guilty of the same thing doesn't make it OK. Also, the more I think about it, infidelity in and of itself constitutes emotional abuse. And he doesn't have the strength or willpower or character or whatever is necessary to really look at himself, his own behavior, his own choices, and make a decision-- even if that decision is to leave me. I felt that he was moving in that direction, had made a decision, was starting to open up and talk about his own actions and his concerns about being able to forgive himself for what he had done to me. Then he chickened out and ran back to AP.

The adult thing to do is to make that call and own it, not drag around a wife on one side and an AP on the other for all this time and feel sorry for yourself and manipulate the situation such that it doesn't have to be his decision. (Can you tell I've been hanging out with chump lady??)

As a side note, I said to him the other day, why are you OK with AP telling you she doesn't ever want to speak with you again if you choose the M because it will be too painful for her, but it isn't OK for me to say the same thing-- with the added bonus of I actually DO need to see you, and potentially with her, forever since we are bound by these children? At first he said, oh, interesting. I hadn't thought of it like that. Then he said, (straight faced) every time she talks to me she falls back in love with me. I don't think that is the case for you. (no, it is not.) And finally he said, I argue with her about that too. I don't understand why if you love someone you would want to cut them out of your lives. He's doing this to her too. Delusional and wrong. He just re-set the hook with her. I need to drop the line on my side.

Your response should be to draw up your spine, look him dead in the eye, and calmly say “then we’ll fight for the house”. Then turn and walk away. He’ll bully you only as much as you allow it.

This is basically what happened. I said, we don't need to discuss this any further. You know where I stand on this.

He came to me and apologized, said when we talk he says things he doesn't necessarily mean to counter me. He asked if we could take a break for a few days, maybe through the weekend, from talking about this. I said that was fine, I don't want to discuss it with him any more anyway. He knows where i stand. UGH this would be easier if we weren't in the house together 24-7. At least the last time around I was at work all day long, not WFH and juggling zoom calls and distance learning and meals together.

I know this all seems like it’s happening so fast - just last week you were imagining a very different future. Go at your own pace, but be prepared. I hate to say it, but you can’t trust your husband.

I think the whiplash where we were a week ago-- or I guess where I thought we were a week ago-- is just really difficult for me to handle.