Moving On

[may22]

He is right, you can't make him leave. He knows that you want him to. If he was willing to, he'd be capable of looking out house listings and making arrangements for himself, so I wouldn't do anything more there. Just as he can't talk you into an open marriage, you're not going to be able to talk him into leaving.

You're right. This is more of my boundaries sliding.

Him saying he'll fight you for the house? He's trying to make you afraid as a way of getting you to do what is best for him rather than what is best for you. It's manipulative. See it clearly for what it is, stop having conversations and, when you are ready, take action.

I hadn't seen this until you said it. You are right.

It might be you just do nothing except focus entirely on yourself, listening to your anger and getting really close to the reality of what is happening for as long as you see fit.

This is resonating with me. I need to do this. I'm still not here yet. I feel I did make progress in this space last time around, but a lot of how I did that was by physically separating myself-- going to yoga, going out with friends, all things I can't really do right now with the quarantine. I need to figure out how to make this space for myself in this current situation.

You have total control over what you do next, and if you take the energy you are spending on working him out, working out his next move, imagining things being different or convincing him to do or not do something, you are going to have so much more for yourself. When you make a decision, make it for yourself - not to get anything from him, or protect him, or get a consequence for him.

I've gotten out of this space before. I need to do it again. Back in January, I was able to just let it go... though I was still being passive, letting him have the power to make the decision and my choices would flow from there. I am less uncomfortable now with the idea of the children and splitting up than I was back then. Hopefully that will help me to feel I have more options and control over my own destiny.

I don't think you should lay anything out for him. You don't have a negotiating power on getting him out of the house, or controlling how be behaves when he's in the house. He might if he's scared enough, blow some smoke and agree to some terms for a while, but you already know he is a liar and a cheat and is not able to make clear decisions. I would disregard pretty much everything he says and sit tight until you work out what is in yours and the kids best interests. What is acceptable to you in terms of a separation might not be in your control, you might change your mind about that, you might find what you thought was acceptable to you turns out not to be. There's no rush to do anything except get yourself out of his business and him out of yours.

Thank you so much, Alison. This also is very helpful. You're right. I don't have any negotiating power. I have no control over his actions or thoughts or words. I think today I'll try to spend some more time on boundaries and what is safe and healthy for me at this moment, such that I can have the space I need to work out what is in the best interests of me and the girls going forward.

I am filled with gratitude for you, for scout, wayfinder, bluwave, pommy, wooba, cardinal, sage, ironwill, unchien, steve, cw... I know I'm missing some of you too and just know I have so much gratitude and love in my heart for all of you right now.