He says I can't make him leave. I said I will file for D. He said he'll fight me for the house. It got nasty fast. I discontinued it. I told him I found a studio apartment for a decent price, which sparked his interest briefly and then he dismissed as "must be a $hithole" because of the price. Should I lay out what it might look like and be acceptable for me if he lives down here? From some things he said this morning, I think he thinks he can move down here and people won't know about the A or even that we're really S. But I see this as a total half-a$$ed move towards S, total cake-eating, with a veeeery long time frame before they get to a point where she'd MO here and he'd get a place with her, with him not really experiencing the loss of the MR and me not being able to heal.
He is right, you can't make him leave. He knows that you want him to. If he was willing to, he'd be capable of looking out house listings and making arrangements for himself, so I wouldn't do anything more there. Just as he can't talk you into an open marriage, you're not going to be able to talk him into leaving.
Him saying he'll fight you for the house? He's trying to make you afraid as a way of getting you to do what is best for him rather than what is best for you. It's manipulative. See it clearly for what it is, stop having conversations and, when you are ready, take action.
That action might be stone cold Going Dark. It might be seeing a lawyer. It might be taking the kids and moving to your family for a while. It might be getting very public about what he is doing, what he is asking of you (for you to tolerate him occasionally having sex with his mistress and masturbating on the phone with her in the basement) and the fact that you have told him no. It might be you just do nothing except focus entirely on yourself, listening to your anger and getting really close to the reality of what is happening for as long as you see fit.
You have total control over what you do next, and if you take the energy you are spending on working him out, working out his next move, imagining things being different or convincing him to do or not do something, you are going to have so much more for yourself. When you make a decision, make it for yourself - not to get anything from him, or protect him, or get a consequence for him.
I don't think you should lay anything out for him. You don't have a negotiating power on getting him out of the house, or controlling how be behaves when he's in the house. He might if he's scared enough, blow some smoke and agree to some terms for a while, but you already know he is a liar and a cheat and is not able to make clear decisions. I would disregard pretty much everything he says and sit tight until you work out what is in yours and the kids best interests. What is acceptable to you in terms of a separation might not be in your control, you might change your mind about that, you might find what you thought was acceptable to you turns out not to be. There's no rush to do anything except get yourself out of his business and him out of yours.
I admire you May. I think you are doing so well. You have totally got this.
