Moving On

[may22]

Steve, thanks for commenting... I appreciate it.

I do think this would all be easier if she lived here instead of 5,000 miles away. He actually isn't screwing her and hasn't for months. (Not that he doesn't want to.) I am frustrated that he made a choice to break it off and lasted four months, then totally backslid. I was re-reading my threads and journals and I was in a much better and more detached/prepared place in Feb than I am right now for all of this.

This would be sooooooo much easier if she lived here, because (a) he'd have somewhere to go and would actually be motivated to leave and (b) I'd be insane with fury. Maybe because it is long distance and they have barely seen each other IRL this entire time, it doesn't feel totally real to me. Easier for me to dismiss as a fantasy. The part that fills me with anger is the idea of him actually walking out the door and breaking up the family. Telling the children.

I don't fault myself. He made these choices to cheat and lie. I did not. I can have some empathy for the place he was in when it began and take my own responsibility for my part in that. But I don't blame myself. I absolutely agree-- nothing justifies lying and cheating, as much as my H wants to think so.

We talked about him moving out this morning. He is continuing to refuse. His idea is to move to the office or the basement. I said I didn't think he could fully experience what it would be like to be S and what an R with AP would look like in either place, also that it would be incredibly painful for me. He doesn't buy this. He doesn't believe that I won't get over this and magically be his best friend once I get over the initial shock of him leaving me for another woman.

He says I can't make him leave. I said I will file for D. He said he'll fight me for the house. It got nasty fast. I discontinued it. I told him I found a studio apartment for a decent price, which sparked his interest briefly and then he dismissed as "must be a $hithole" because of the price. Should I lay out what it might look like and be acceptable for me if he lives down here? From some things he said this morning, I think he thinks he can move down here and people won't know about the A or even that we're really S. But I see this as a total half-a$$ed move towards S, total cake-eating, with a veeeery long time frame before they get to a point where she'd MO here and he'd get a place with her, with him not really experiencing the loss of the MR and me not being able to heal.

Anyway. I told him this morning he knows what I think, my boundaries have not changed, I don't want to talk to him about it any more.

Thanks Alison, wooba, pommy... will write more later. xx