Am I going to disregard 10yr of my life where he was a most wonderful husband.. Just because I don't vilify doesn't mean I.. have put him on a pedestal.
Weren't you here a year and a half ago too?
I read the first page or two of your 2018 thread. "He is cold and distant", and "Trying to start arguments over a can of beans or cookies which I don't take the bait", and "He thought about sleeping with someone else just to hurt me." The forum pointed out his manipulative behavior and attempts to gaslight you.
The last quote is interesting. He was considering cheating on you over two years before he cheated on you. It wasn't one bad decision. His code of ethics is lacking in significant ways.
I see your point. Not condoning his choice or words but sometimes when you feel hurt or wronged by someone you want to level the playing field and hurt them right back. NOW - that is not a mature way of handling things but sometimes in the heat of the moment we all can be guilty of reverting back to 5yr olds.
It took this second go round for me to "GET IT". I didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing so how could I have possibly known I was hurting him?
The threat of sleeping with someone else was a direct blow to my Achilles's heel. He knew from the moment we met that that would be the worst thing he could ever do to me...
Even in our latest sitch he went so far as again stating he would go out and sleep with someone else that very night if it was the only way I could get over him. He was very angry, under unbearable stress, extremely sleep deprived (he only had about 6hr sleep in 72hr), and felt so trapped/imprisoned at that time. He was looking for any way out of this desperate situation. He stated he wanted me hurt as badly as he was hurting.
Do I excuse his threat? No, it was mean underhanded thing to say. I have been guilty of saying something just as mean to him? Yes, sadly I have.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I always did ALL the cleaning, laundry and putting it away. Honestly I just really love doing laundry - I know what a freak I am. But, that says ---- I have to do it because I'm the only one that does it right.
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You choosing to do all the cleaning and laundry doesn't say that at all. I hope that's not your takeaway! Many spouses would love a partner who enjoys and does well at laundry and cleaning. I keep my home at cleanliness level 5 of 10 and my GF prefers cleanliness level 8 of 10. Her doing extra cleaning didn't bother me unless it bothered her. It was nice, actually. Now, if you constantly called him a slob, or stopped him when he tried to clean, that's different. Stopping his attempts to clean or clean his way would be controlling.
That's just it... I refused him to his laundry. And, any time he had any griping about anything I just "but I cook and clean for you and do your laundry and make sure your lunch is packed"
In my head ^^^^^ those words and actions were because "I love you" so this is what I do for you. I do all these things so you are free to do X, Y and Z. I was doing these out of love and felt unrecognized for them... he did not always appreciate.
In my husband's head ^^^^ those words and actions were to be held over his head like a score card.
As you can see my love language is acts of service/words of appreciation. My husband's is physical touch.
I learned far to late in the game that he felt I was holding these things over his head. ONCE I figured that out I immediately stopped doing it... I mean immediately... that and something else I found out upset him which was not my intent. But, even though I stopped it was too little too late.
There were far to many negatives and not enough recent positives to fill the space in his head.
So yes, my actions did convey the message "I have to do it because I the only one that does it right". That is what was in my head and I will own it.
Since then I have S18 put away his own clothes and deal with a closet that doesn't look like I did it... LOL. Since then I have had S18 do all the grocery shopping and putting things away.
Sadly, ^^^^^ was not in time for my H to see that I was capable of change and me seeing how my behavior was really affecting others.
I own it. I keep working it. Every day. I used the last few months to really address my issues and to come out the other side better for it.
