Almost 5 weeks after D-Day

[SteveLW]

Spiral - Nothing really new. My sitch has similarities to yours. I think you recently described yours as having occurred " suddenly and definitively". From my own experience events seemingly came at me from out of nowhere turning my life inside out in a heartbeat leaving me with an initial feeling of confusion and desperation. I think you've done much better than I have in processing the reality of what has happened in such a short period of time. I think it's admirable how well you've comported yourself during this unexpected and difficult time.

There are things I know now that I wished I had known the beginning of April. On the top of that list is the fact that once a WAS decides it's time for BD, it's over, done, they're already emotionally divorced and much further from our reach than we realize at the time. They've already advanced into their next life, the one they think guarantees the happiness they feel they've been deprived of, and have no intentions of looking back and feeling any sense of sentimentality or nostalgia for the previous life and particularly for its central figure. During the five weeks I continued living under the same roof with her after BD I would have been better served if I had realized how true this is.

Oddly enough during those five weeks I also was on the receiving end of some ILYs, as well as occasional hugs, and kisses on the head. I wish I dealt with it as intelligently as you recently did. I simply don't get the psychology behind what's happening during those moments.

I'm doing my best to GAL. I'm putting into place both short term and long term goals. I know I need to detach and that it's probably more important than anything as the D is probably going to happen fast and knowing the two of them as I do they'll probably be engaged in no time. I understand what it is I need to do. It's going to be challenging, but all things worth while are.


Shane - I'm a newby, too. Over the last two and a half months I've experienced the kind of emotional pain I never thought I'd experience with the possible exception of a loved one's passing. I've definitely learned some tough lessons from which I intend to use to improve myself as a person and as a potential partner as I MO into my future life.

I realize even today, despite the bitterness I feel at the moment, that my STBXW is a fundamentally decent human being. I think that when WASs/WWs are in this current state of mind they can become extremely cold hearted toward the one they've left, thus revealing a side to themselves not like anything we've seen from them before.

I do wonder, however, if the experience of becoming unhappy within a marriage and with the S, becoming so full of anger and resentment while simultaneously bridging over to the next life and a OM with no time in between, crossing a line in the process that she herself could not have seen herself crossing in the past, violating her own principles and moral compass while doing so, may not result in at least some alteration to their character on a permanent basis. I don't know the answer. It probably varies from person to person.

BobP, interesting thought. But be aware. Who she was in the past. Who she might be in the future, none of that matters. You have to deal with the person she is RIGHT NOW. sandi's rules say "She is not the girl you married." We as LBHs struggle with this. Who she was 2, 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago does not matter. Who she is today is a WAW, and a WW, and a lying cheater. Deal with that. When you get caught up in who she was, and who she may be down the line, it clouds your judgement. I know, I was there.