Moving On

[SteveLW]

Thanks Scout, SamCal, WLMC. I'm spinning today and really appreciate the postings.

Looking from the outside, and I’m not sure if you see this too, every conversation seems incredibly manipulative on your H’s part. It’s not fair to unload his bad feelings onto you. Him asking you to make this decision together is bullsh*t. It’s a way to absolve himself of the guilt and responsibility for creating this situation. Him asking for your blessing and forgiveness is f*cking crazy-making and nowhere near the realm of normality. It’s wrong. It’s emotional abuse.

I completely agree that his behavior is unfair and wrong. I'm not sure I am onboard where I am right now with the term emotional abuse or that he's being purposefully manipulative, though I understand it looks that way. Maybe this is something i'll be able to see with more distance. I know he is coming from a place of hurt and fear and desperation too, scared to lose me and the kids, scared to lose our house and his reputation, scared to lose his chance at happiness/true love with AP. He is paralyzed by fear of loss on both sides and keeps teeter-tottering back and forth between wanting to stay and wanting to go. He wants me to absolve him of guilt and tell him it's OK, he can have his cake and eat it too for the rest of his life. That he doesn't actually have to choose, ever. He can have both me as his friend and her as his lover.

You need to get onboard with this. He IS being emotionally abusive. And he is being purposely manipulative. Do not give him a pass on that behavior. One of the things I see with LBSs, and LBWs in particular, is the tendency to go into denial about their WAS's bad behavior. You cannot argue with facts. The fact is that he is a lying cheater. Say it with me: "HE IS A LYING CHEATER!" SO many LBWs struggle with that. And take all the blame on themselves. "I drove him into the arms of another woman!"

That is so illogical! Think about the amount of time and energy it takes to lie, cheat, and be manipulative. If lying cheaters put HALF that energy into improving their marriages then their marriages would improve.

The truth you have to face May is that HE WANTED to cheat. No other way to say it. You can stick your head in the sand and pretend that isn't the case, but "for better and for worse" means for better and for worse. It doesn't mean "or unless my W is less than a perfect W, then I am bailing and nailing the first chippy that will have me!" WASs that lie and cheat always blame their LBS. The LBS should avoid the temptation to blame themselves too. While marital problems are always the result of poor behavior in the MR on both spouses part...NOTHING..NOTHING justifies lying and cheating. NOTHING. Let me repeat that: NOTHING JUSTIFIES LYING AND CHEATING.

[SamCal-- yes, exactly what you said too. He wants this to be a joint decision, or better yet, blame me for being the one to hurt the kids because I'm not willing to be friends with him after we split. Also, AP doesn't want to feel like we Ded because of her (I also think he wants this narrative, that we split up because of problems between us, not because of her), and also AP is totally playing into his fantasy and telling him exactly what he wants to hear, that she is totally fine with him being part of the family with me so now I'm the only unreasonable one. No. Sorry, no.

Typical WAS behavior. "Hey, you do all the hard work of actually leaving my family and Ding. I will just go off and enjoy the physical pleasure of doinking my cupcake." The question is, are you going to let him get away with that?

I wish he was just saying he wanted a D. It would be so much easier if he was the one packing his bags and walking out the door. He spews all this stuff about how he loves me, he will always love me (just not like that), he wants to take care of me for the rest of my life, he wants to mow the lawn and help me start my business and drive me around when I'm old and blind. I wish he would just stop. I guess I need to just walk away. It is so hurtful to hear these things from him, because I always believed that was all true... and also that he wasn't going to leave me for another woman. And I wish he had just walked away in January instead of going through all this rigamarole the last four months.

SO take the decision out of his hands. Stop letting him cake eat. You do that by hiring a lawyer, filing for D. And moving on. Doing that WILL NOT prevent him from Ring if that is what he decides to do.

And stop wishing for things you cannot control. Take control. Tell him the cake eating ends now. Not by actually telling him it ends now, but by taking the action above. Once he is served D papers the reality will hit him smack in the fac that May22 has had it and isn't taking it anymore!!

I bought the chump lady book last night and started reading it. I do love love love her.

I had a long conversation with my friend this afternoon and she gave me a lot of strength to start focusing on what I can control, and to release what I can't. What I want isn't possible right now. Now I need to pull myself together and start working on Plan B and what that looks like for me. Finances, job, children, etc. I just called to make an appointment with an IC to help me in this process.

xxx thanks for being there for me

I tell LBWs that are struggling with how to proceed with a lying cheating H that is trying to cake eat all the time. Imagine you are your friend....looking at your situation objectively. What would you as your friend to you to do? Sit and continue to struggle while he is out sleeping with an OW? Or would you tell her to take her power back and kick the loser to the curb, file for D, and get on with their life making it awsome from here on it? LIfe is too short to sit and wait for a lying cheater.

Understand May, I give advice differently to LBSs that have a WWs that is actively rubbing a PA in their face. This kind of WAS requires a tougher hand. Love them? Sure. But love yourself more! You are allowing this behavior out of fear, NOT out of love. LBWs get that mixed up all the time. "I love him so much that I am willing to stand by him while he goes off and screws other women!"

That ain't love. Ask yourself, would you have still married him knowing at some point later on he'd cheat on you? OF COURSE NOT. So why tolerate it after marriage?

And what are you teaching your kids about how a spouse should treat them? Kids will follow in your footsteps here. How would you want your children to handle a lying cheating spouse?