DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[SteveLW]

Bluesea, not to hijack your thread, but I think these questions have relevance to you too--

Bluesea, essentially what happened in 2005, was after my W's EA, when I confronted she immediately said she didn't want a D. She sent a NC email to the OM the next day. She then struggled for weeks with getting over her addiction to the EA. The OM only responded to her one time essentially telling her that that he didn't want to create anymore problems for her which is why he was not responding.

For my part, I just went back to business as normal.The changes I made were clearly just to get her back. And while I didn't just revert to my old self over night, it was a slow burn back to where I had been prior to the discovery of the EA. I had made no real changes.

Steve, I get that you didn't really do work on yourself in 2005 and then did so after the second incident and how that allowed you to move into M2.0. My question is-- what about your W? Sounds like she didn't put any work in after BD1, but did she after BD2? I'm assuming so... but how did that happen? Did she commit to making changes too-- beyond letting go of the EAP-- and how was that visible to you? Were you able to eventually communicate your needs to her and she listened and changed, or was it all self-focused change initiated by you that then led her to mirror or think or make changes herself?

Yes my W put in work after sitch #2 in 2017. She read a lot. We did MC. I also saw some profound changes in her. A recommitment back to church and our faith. She recommitted to work on the MR. We finally, after 19 years of marriage, fixed our SSM. So yes, we worked on ourselves individually, but also worked together as a couple. And as I've said that continues to this day.

After she had a slip-up last summer, she agreed to full transparency, she agreed to stop online gaming (where men were reaching out to her), and she rerecommitted to work on the marriage. I took a very tough stand with her last summer and essentially said I was done. While I took a lot of responsibility for both of our sitches, but I made sure she understood that the slip-up was ALL on her. That our MR2.0 was humming along well, and that there were none of the traditional factors that had been present in our MR before BD1 and 2 involved in the slip-up. After the slip-up the hard work was all on her part and she took it on. Once again doubling down on her commitment not only to the MR, but to church and faith. Things have been so much better since then as she has dug in and even become a better housekeeper! Something that she has struggled with her whole adult life.

So yes, one of the things I have become better about is my struggle with mild-NGS, and being able clearly communicate my needs. But the best thing I have done? Even after Ring and piecing was to continue my GAL. Continue to work on my 180s. And to continue to be self-differentiated!!

It seems to me like DBing is focusing on you, being your best self, but not necessarily being vulnerable to your S. At what point did you feel OK opening back up to her?

Opening back up to her was not a problem for me, it was waiting until SHE was ready. After BD#2 she wasn't interested in me, what I wanted, what I was doing, etc. She just didn't care. And so this question is a good one. We aren't not vulnerable to our spouses after BD because of us, we are not vulnerable to our spouses because of them! They have been clear that they want time and space, it would be unwise to at that point suddenly trying to be vulnerable and open up to them. The only way they can decide they want to come back is by giving them the time and space they need.

But I will tell you what I tell all LBS. You will know when it is time to be vulnerable and open back up. It won't be ambiguous. We have a saying around here, when your WAS wants to R you will know. When they don't, you will be confused. So many LBSs struggle with "oh he was nice to me, he must be coming back!" "Oh no, he is being mean that means he doesn't want to come back!" That is a fool's game. When they are ready to come back they will be willing to move mountains to do so.

I know she didn't MO and you've felt that that was an important aspect to R-ing in your sitch, b/c if she had left she would have had a lot harder time coming back. I have felt the same with my H (though perhaps now OK with him not coming back... working on this). People say here when they are ready for R, you won't be confused. That feels easy to assess when the WS has moved out and you have some real separation. How does that look when you're under the same roof?

I think her staying in my case worked. But that doesn't mean that her MO would have prevented our Ring and piecing. I think LBSs put too much emphasis on whether their WAS stays home or leaves. In fact, I've been on record about "the grass is always greener" attitude LBSs have about this. If they stay then LBSs say they can't detach. If the MO then LBSs complain that their WAS can't see the changes they are making. It is a catch-22. Go back to what I said above. When they are ready to R they will move mountains to do so! Having MO will not be a obstacle to that.

To answer your last question there, it looks the same. You will see in no uncertain terms that the WAS is ready to recommit back to the MR. Though I have to warn, it doesn't happen overnight in most cases. (Sometimes it does.) Most of the time it is a gradual turning. Little things they used to do start to come back. And it really is the little things. I noticed she started to tell me little things again. She started to share news stories with me again. She would DVR old shows that she likes to watch so I could see if I could recognize an actor we knew now back when they were young. I thinks LBSs get hung up on looking for big changes, when really it is usually a lot of little things that start the turnaround.

What I can tell you, is even when these signs started to happen, verbally they may still say they want to S and/or D. If I slipped up and broached that with my W even after the little things started to return, she would express interest in still being single again. This is why we say look at their actions, and ignore their words. Usually we say this in regards to the WAS saying positive things to the LBS, but are behaving negatively. It goes the other way to. When they start to making those little changes that show they are recommitting, ignore their negative words.

Bluesea... FWIW, there are a lot of parallels between our situations. After I found out about the extent and length of his A in December (he had previously only admitted to an EA, less than half of the time, and was telling me he was no longer in contact with her when he was), we had six weeks of tortuous limbo and DC. I do believe, like you, it wasn't until my H could tell I was serious about D and burst his fantasy D bubble that he moved into the space of making the decision to break it off with AP, which he did in mid-February. (It's weird, some of the things you've said your H has said to you sound exactly like what my H said to me when he was in the process of breaking it off with her.) Things have been getting better and better to the point that I thought we were maybe ready to enter piecing when he suddenly reestablished contact with her last week and is now completely back to where he was in January.

Of course my sitch is very fresh and I don't know what is really going on or what i'm going to do. (Steve, would appreciate any thoughts if you want to peek on my thread). But the one thing I think I would do differently and that I would pass along to you is KEEP DBing, just as Steve said. Don't drop your guard. Honor your own needs yourself and don't rely on him to help you heal right now. We made it a little less than four months before he completely backslid. So I think that maybe when you start to see positive signs, keep your head down and keep DBing. This is not for the impatient or the faint of heart!

I'll pop into your threads.