It ended with a surprising insight I got in my IC, about the current state of affairs between me and my H not being enough. I had to sit with that a few days.
I also had some news - some very good news - about my work. I've got a significant pay rise and a lot more job flexibility and security than I did a few months ago.
So I am practically in an ideal position to make some drastic changes, if I want to.
But I have also been thinking about boundaries - about how tight my boundaries are with my H, and about how and in what ways my own boundaries are responsible for the acquaintance-level intimate bond we have with each other.
These boundaries were necessary when he was in an EA, blaming me for his EA, being emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative. I don't think any of those things are happening right now, or at least, not with any degree of regularity.
I do think I have some lingering sense of betrayal and mistrust and fear around him and his reactions. This affects my behaviour.
I want to unpick this more in IC. But mainly I want to work on my own recovery after the bruising last couple of years - the pain and betrayal of the EA and the abuse - and see where my survival strategies have involved me refusing to get vulnerable with H and whether or not I can or want to change that.
