But anyway, Saph, it may not be good DBing and I do realize that and have tried to urge the church to confront H like Christ rather than like the Pharasees. But God called me to file(with the church)...I am sure of this...as I did not want to do it. I am not a trouble maker and am quite shy and timid and confronting and challenging my church of 4000 members is not in my nature to do. I felt alot like Jonah for awhile as God was calling me to do this and I was saying "I dont hear you". He got louder until I consented. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I started to answer this the other day, but my husband came home for a week, so I've not gotten back until today.
NOW,
I was struck by what I read, and now fully understand what you are having to do.
Just as the MLC'er BECOMES the opposite of what they were pre-tunnel, the Left-Behind Spouse BECOMES the opposite of what THEY were through the journey that must be taken to "grow up".
The weak become strong; the strong become weak, the quiet become loud, the loud become quiet--see the correlation?
We MUST become direct opposites of what we were before--as I had to do during my husband's MLC, and the changes on our end MUST become permanent.
I was outspoken, and had to become quiet. I was a pursuer, and had to become the pursued. I was emotionally out of control, and I had to become calm.
I was instructed to keep quiet no matter what my husband did or said, while YOU are being instructed to bring this all out in the open using what you have been given to use.
It seems that He looks at our personalities, and causes us-if we allow HIM to change us- to become the OPPOSITES of what we were before, and uses us to bring about circumstances we wouldn't normally bring about due to the way our personalities are.
What we would NORMALLY do, is NOT what we SHOULD do. We must do the OPPOSITE.
That is WHY there are NO set rules for dealing with our husband's MLCs. And, though I KNEW about becoming the opposite of what I had been before, I didn't know WHY, until NOW.
And, you know, I never THOUGHT to question Him on it. When I became the opposite of what I was before, it worked, just has He had said it would, and I simply thanked Him for helping me to change and went on.
I had advised in one of my threads concerning BECOMING the OPPOSITE, but at that time, I don't think I expounded on WHY-I actually didn't know why, I just knew it had to be done.
Now, I know why.
The reason we must become the opposite of what we were before is we must learn to experience ALL facets of our personalities, and face EVERYTHING we are--we are preparing for the second stage of life, and ALL facets of our personality must be brought forward and integrated, and in the process, we are changed forever by the Lord.
He has allowed this to happen, yes, to test you, but you are being "molded" on the potter's wheel at the same time-and that in itself causes a "breakdown" of your "old" self, bringing about the fashioning of a "new" self. Though this trial, we are thrown repeatedly against the wheel until we come back together (are integrated) into someone totally new.
In your mind, you are seeing what didn't work before, and so you, yourself, are in the process of changing into someone you weren't before, just as your spouse has become the opposite of what he was before-his personality should undergo the near exact same changes you are going through and he should reintegrate into a different person, too-IF he allows this to change him-once OW is gone and he is out of the tunnel.
At times you are resisting the changes, but here is where faith is exercised, and you must allow the Lord to change you-this is the way it must be, He knows what you will face later on, and that is why these changes are necessary-you are being equipped for something that's coming down the road.
You are learning to stand up and stand strong in a way you haven't had to do before-and though the first standing is hard, it will get easier once it's done. You are learning to walk on faith in a way you've not done before, because before, you were AFRAID, and the Lord is driving the fear out of you with what He is doing within you.
We are instructed to bring about certain situations to get certain results, and the Lord knows what He is doing when we receive instruction, and usually, you are advised of the outcome so you will know ahead of time what will happen if you do, and the consequences if you don't obey.
Becoming the opposite is a necessary part of "growing up" and coming forward, as we must learn to handle ANY situation-and the changes within must happen.
However, I would caution you (and everyone else) to beware of trying to get our needs filled through another man. We are at a very vulnerable place right now and in my opinion we could all be affairs waiting to happen. Be wise in your relationships with men. As an example, I am friends with a married couple and they both equally want to help me. However, I've set up boundaries with the man such as never meeting alone and never talking on the phone with him unless his wife is on the extension. I don't have any sort of "designs" on him by any means, but I do believe I would be stupid to think that nothing could ever happen. We mustn't let Satan get a foothold. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have preached about this SAME thing before about the DANGEROUS position the WAS places the LBS in while they are out trying to find themselves and have gotten OW.
I REMEMBER that one pretty clearly. And, like you, ICBI, I recognized the dangers of accidentally getting involved with another man-I isolated myself from ALL men except my brother-in-law(I trust and still trust him), and the only people I associated with were women during that time.
I did it to protect THEM AND ME. The abandoned and unloved feelings were pretty bad for me-worse feelings I had ever felt in my life-I mean it was like totally being cut-off from feeling loved-and I had NO ONE except the Lord-and me.
I did make it through and the feelings DID pass, but it was several MORE weeks before I would trust myself to associate with the men I knew at work again-and I never told them what I was doing, I just distanced myself from them, and wouldn't even talk to them-thank goodness they never paid that much attention to what I was doing. LOL
I asked the Lord to keep helping me through, and He did, but I had to face this temptation and overcome it.
It would have been so easy to have gotten involved with another-and I could see that ahead of time as this started.
So she's right, you MUST be careful--you would betray YOURSELF-and both of you would have matching guilt and things might get worse instead of better.
On the other hand, most importantly-it is considered ADULTERY; hands down if you get involved with another while still married, regardless if sex was involved or not. And that is what I think.
Gotta watch Satan closely during this time-he will throw temptation down in front of you in a hurry, because he would like nothing better than to see you fall down hard.
It was also shown to me a long time later that I delved MUCH deeper into myself during this time, as my journey to find me was beginning, and the vast majority of what I looked at, of course had to do with ME. Everything I needed to look at and work through was brought up during that same time, and I don't think I'd have seen it that clearly if I hadn't gone through what I did.
What my husband did in depriving me, felt like a "repeat" of my emotionally deprived childhood-and old wounds were ripped open then-but they were healed later on--I'm not sure when that happened-but I do know it was later, sometime during my journey.
The changes I made had alot to do with those old wounds, and that was shown to me later on, too.
All things happen for reason, always.
First of all, S&A, you have answered your OWN question, so, really you KNOW the answer and it lies deep within your OWN heart.
You recognize that you are NOT finished with your journey in this pit you have been in for two years. And until you ARE finished, you will still be in there.
I've said this before, but I was commanded to CHOOSE before the worst parts of this came about-BEFORE I even KNEW about the affair-and I was told the outcomes either way. I had just a couple of days before discovered his access of pornography, and was understandably angry-but went before the Lord to see what I should do-so I wouldn't do anything foolish.
You see the devil had put in a bid for my family-with me being the STRONGER-I had to be convinced to bow out(Satan had used my husband against me because he was unable to bring me down directly), first-then the rest would follow, and these were things I was shown AFTER I chose my path-and in my mind there was NO going back.
I could have gone either way-the Lord does NOT tamper with Free Will-He already KNEW what I would do, but He STILL had to give me that choice-and my love being what it was I chose my marriage knowing He would work things out.
And it went from there to here-the path was FULL of obstacles and decisions to make to get where I am now. I was not ever allowed to just sit and wait-there were instructions I had to follow-just as you are having to do now-and things I was guided into that brought about positive results.
The Lord WAS with me during the time of total rejection, and strengthened me-because I ASKED Him to. I knew, like you do, if I did anything like my husband had done, I would betray ME-and I was still married, faithful to my vows, and I still LOVED him.
Besides the Lord kept counseling me, showing me that my husband did STILL love me, but was so confused and his feelings were buried deep within himself.
The MOST important thing shown to me of all was, that if I changed my mind, left my husband and married another-which was MY right to do, I would repeat this whole process ALL over again-and with the Lord promising me that my marriage would come back together, and things would be better-I would have been STUPID to have strayed from the course I had decided on.
The devil, on the other hand, continued to try and try and get me to bow out and leave, but I never would-and so that made my trial much harder.
I have seen ALL things the Lord has told me ahead of time come to pass except one-and it's upon me-and I cannot tell what it is-because of Satan--but I will tell all when it happens, because it signifies the END of everything.
I have been holding onto the promise of the Lord concerning the END for over a year-and I look back, seeing how far I have come from where I was.
He charged me to obey Him in ALL things, just like I had always done before, and I didn't miss--I knew I couldn't-whatever I was told, I did, even if I was uncertain deep within my heart, because logically, it didn't look like it would work out--but it did. He knew MORE than I did, and STILL knows more than I do.
I have seen my faith and belief in Him increase greatly over this last year, and I do NOT doubt Him in any way-although the devil has tried hard to shake my faith and place doubts in my mind many times-all I ever knew to do was HOLD ON and just keep going.
Yes, there were times of anger and frustration and impatience on my part, but those feelings were carefully hid and controlled, because to let them out gave the devil a place and power over me-and I could NOT allow that to happen.
Most of all, I was shown that I was the "key" to restoring my husband to fellowship with the Lord. That is all I can say about that, but a great deal rested on ME to help him come through his MLC.
As close as you are to the Lord, S&A you KNOW His voice-it is unmistakable-and as long as you listen to Him, you will NEVER go wrong.
You have always appeared to be extremely discerning when it came to what you believe. Listen within yourself NOW, and hear His voice speak within you-for His sheep KNOW His voice, and you are NO different.
You WILL know if/when the time comes to give up and go on with your life-He will let you know. But, at the same time, HE will tell you that it is YOUR decision, and will give you the consequences of your actions either way-as it concerns YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE.
He does NOT hold you accountable for your spouses actions toward you and the marriage-the fault laid with your HUSBAND and not YOU. And if your husband goes on and marries OW, you are released, totally-the Lord will NOT hold it against YOU-this was beyond your control.
BUT--whatever you are supposed to learn from this-will have to be learned BEFORE you are released from your marriage vows. I believe you are already released from those due to adultery on your husband's part, but there are additional lessons you must learn, and He is leading you into them-things you are afraid of, learning NOT to play it so safe-for you must LEARN to step out in FAITH and bring him to accountability-and you must NOT back down. You are charged to stand strong and He will be with you and use you to speak.
NONE of our paths are the SAME-each one of us takes a different path in our lives, to learn DIFFERENT things that pertain to ONLY US as individuals. And the Lord leads, guides, and directs as HE sees fit. But we must be ready AND willing to submit to HIS will, not ours.
Concerning the subject of temptation, Satan can and will throw temptation at you in ANY form and if he can't attack you directly, he WILL do it INDIRECTLY. And since one of his strong point is patience, he will keep attempting to wear you down UNTIL you fall. And he LOVES to see servants of the Lord fall down.
HOLD ON, S&A, the LORD can and will meet your deepest needs-that is but ONE of the reasons you must go through this total rejection from your husband--it is so you will turn to the LORD, and cast everything upon HIM, realizing that HE is the only one who can MEET your deepest needs.
It also rips open "old" emotional wounds, and makes you face those so you can ask for help to heal them, making you stronger as you go.
Yes, the Lord DOES use these type situations for this purpose. But you have to open your eyes and see this.
And keep the devil at bay-he has nothing for you but misery and destruction--you just CAN'T fall, S&A, you have come TOO far to even open your mind to this type of possibility.
Opening your mind to the POSSIBILITY of sin is the FIRST step to falling into it-read the story of David and Bathsheba.
We are to bring every idle thought into captivity and keep our minds on the Lord always. That way, there is NO room for Satan to work.
The battle is intense, but it can be won through holding onto the Lord and continuing to be obedient in ALL things.
However, I would caution you (and everyone else) to beware of trying to get our needs filled through another man. We are at a very vulnerable place right now and in my opinion we could all be affairs waiting to happen. Be wise in your relationships with men. As an example, I am friends with a married couple and they both equally want to help me. However, I've set up boundaries with the man such as never meeting alone and never talking on the phone with him unless his wife is on the extension. I don't have any sort of "designs" on him by any means, but I do believe I would be stupid to think that nothing could ever happen. We mustn't let Satan get a foothold. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have preached about this SAME thing before about the DANGEROUS position the WAS places the LBS in while they are out trying to find themselves and have gotten OW.
I REMEMBER that one pretty clearly. And, like you, ICBI, I recognized the dangers of accidentally getting involved with another man-I isolated myself from ALL men except my brother-in-law(I trust and still trust him), and the only people I associated with were women during that time.
I did it to protect THEM AND ME. The abandoned and unloved feelings were pretty bad for me-worse feelings I had ever felt in my life-I mean it was like totally being cut-off from feeling loved-and I had NO ONE except the Lord-and me.
I did make it through and the feelings DID pass, but it was several MORE weeks before I would trust myself to associate with the men I knew at work again-and I never told them what I was doing, I just distanced myself from them, and wouldn't even talk to them-thank goodness they never paid that much attention to what I was doing. LOL
I asked the Lord to keep helping me through, and He did, but I had to face this temptation and overcome it.
It would have been so easy to have gotten involved with another-and I could see that ahead of time as this started.
So she's right, you MUST be careful--you would betray YOURSELF-and both of you would have matching guilt and things might get worse instead of better.
On the other hand, most importantly-it is considered ADULTERY; hands down if you get involved with another while still married, regardless if sex was involved or not. And that is what I think.
Gotta watch Satan closely during this time-he will throw temptation down in front of you in a hurry, because he would like nothing better than to see you fall down hard.
It was also shown to me a long time later that I delved MUCH deeper into myself during this time, as my journey to find me was beginning, and the vast majority of what I looked at, of course had to do with ME. Everything I needed to look at and work through was brought up during that same time, and I don't think I'd have seen it that clearly if I hadn't gone through what I did.
What my husband did in depriving me, felt like a "repeat" of my emotionally deprived childhood-and old wounds were ripped open then-but they were healed later on--I'm not sure when that happened-but I do know it was later, sometime during my journey.
The changes I made had alot to do with those old wounds, and that was shown to me later on, too.
All things happen for reason, always.
First of all, S&A, you have answered your OWN question, so, really you KNOW the answer and it lies deep within your OWN heart.
You recognize that you are NOT finished with your journey in this pit you have been in for two years. And until you ARE finished, you will still be in there.
I've said this before, but I was commanded to CHOOSE before the worst parts of this came about-BEFORE I even KNEW about the affair-and I was told the outcomes either way. I had just a couple of days before discovered his access of pornography, and was understandably angry-but went before the Lord to see what I should do-so I wouldn't do anything foolish.
You see the devil had put in a bid for my family-with me being the STRONGER-I had to be convinced to bow out(Satan had used my husband against me because he was unable to bring me down directly), first-then the rest would follow, and these were things I was shown AFTER I chose my path-and in my mind there was NO going back.
I could have gone either way-the Lord does NOT tamper with Free Will-He already KNEW what I would do, but He STILL had to give me that choice-and my love being what it was I chose my marriage knowing He would work things out.
And it went from there to here-the path was FULL of obstacles and decisions to make to get where I am now. I was not ever allowed to just sit and wait-there were instructions I had to follow-just as you are having to do now-and things I was guided into that brought about positive results.
The Lord WAS with me during the time of total rejection, and strengthened me-because I ASKED Him to. I knew, like you do, if I did anything like my husband had done, I would betray ME-and I was still married, faithful to my vows, and I still LOVED him.
Besides the Lord kept counseling me, showing me that my husband did STILL love me, but was so confused and his feelings were buried deep within himself.
The MOST important thing shown to me of all was, that if I changed my mind, left my husband and married another-which was MY right to do, I would repeat this whole process ALL over again-and with the Lord promising me that my marriage would come back together, and things would be better-I would have been STUPID to have strayed from the course I had decided on.
The devil, on the other hand, continued to try and try and get me to bow out and leave, but I never would-and so that made my trial much harder.
I have seen ALL things the Lord has told me ahead of time come to pass except one-and it's upon me-and I cannot tell what it is-because of Satan--but I will tell all when it happens, because it signifies the END of everything.
I have been holding onto the promise of the Lord concerning the END for over a year-and I look back, seeing how far I have come from where I was.
He charged me to obey Him in ALL things, just like I had always done before, and I didn't miss--I knew I couldn't-whatever I was told, I did, even if I was uncertain deep within my heart, because logically, it didn't look like it would work out--but it did. He knew MORE than I did, and STILL knows more than I do.
I have seen my faith and belief in Him increase greatly over this last year, and I do NOT doubt Him in any way-although the devil has tried hard to shake my faith and place doubts in my mind many times-all I ever knew to do was HOLD ON and just keep going.
Yes, there were times of anger and frustration and impatience on my part, but those feelings were carefully hid and controlled, because to let them out gave the devil a place and power over me-and I could NOT allow that to happen.
Most of all, I was shown that I was the "key" to restoring my husband to fellowship with the Lord. That is all I can say about that, but a great deal rested on ME to help him come through his MLC.
As close as you are to the Lord, S&A you KNOW His voice-it is unmistakable-and as long as you listen to Him, you will NEVER go wrong.
You have always appeared to be extremely discerning when it came to what you believe. Listen within yourself NOW, and hear His voice speak within you-for His sheep KNOW His voice, and you are NO different.
You WILL know if/when the time comes to give up and go on with your life-He will let you know. But, at the same time, HE will tell you that it is YOUR decision, and will give you the consequences of your actions either way-as it concerns YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE.
He does NOT hold you accountable for your spouses actions toward you and the marriage-the fault laid with your HUSBAND and not YOU. And if your husband goes on and marries OW, you are released, totally-the Lord will NOT hold it against YOU-this was beyond your control.
BUT--whatever you are supposed to learn from this-will have to be learned BEFORE you are released from your marriage vows. I believe you are already released from those due to adultery on your husband's part, but there are additional lessons you must learn, and He is leading you into them-things you are afraid of, learning NOT to play it so safe-for you must LEARN to step out in FAITH and bring him to accountability-and you must NOT back down. You are charged to stand strong and He will be with you and use you to speak.
NONE of our paths are the SAME-each one of us takes a different path in our lives, to learn DIFFERENT things that pertain to ONLY US as individuals. And the Lord leads, guides, and directs as HE sees fit. But we must be ready AND willing to submit to HIS will, not ours.
Concerning the subject of temptation, Satan can and will throw temptation at you in ANY form and if he can't attack you directly, he WILL do it INDIRECTLY. And since one of his strong point is patience, he will keep attempting to wear you down UNTIL you fall. And he LOVES to see servants of the Lord fall down.
HOLD ON, S&A, the LORD can and will meet your deepest needs-that is but ONE of the reasons you must go through this total rejection from your husband--it is so you will turn to the LORD, and cast everything upon HIM, realizing that HE is the only one who can MEET your deepest needs.
It also rips open "old" emotional wounds, and makes you face those so you can ask for help to heal them, making you stronger as you go.
Yes, the Lord DOES use these type situations for this purpose. But you have to open your eyes and see this.
And keep the devil at bay-he has nothing for you but misery and destruction--you just CAN'T fall, S&A, you have come TOO far to even open your mind to this type of possibility.
Opening your mind to the POSSIBILITY of sin is the FIRST step to falling into it-read the story of David and Bathsheba.
We are to bring every idle thought into captivity and keep our minds on the Lord always. That way, there is NO room for Satan to work.
The battle is intense, but it can be won through holding onto the Lord and continuing to be obedient in ALL things.
b]This concerns placing blame and anger totally on OW, instead of directing it toward the SOURCE-the WAS[/b]
This sermon caused some controversy on the thread it was posted on-but it was necessary-I didn't want to offend anyone, and still don't-it was part of the lessons I learned-and anyone can still learn from this-don't get "stuck" in misdirected anger, learn to face the actual SOURCE that started this whole mess: the WAS
Now, one other thing, and this is based on many posts I have seen:
Why do you ladies place ALL the blame, and direct your anger at OW? I'm just curious about that-or maybe that is something you have to learn about--at first, I was angry at just the OW, but then the Lord made me realize the fault laid with MY HUSBAND-HE was the one who started this, not her.
She carried some of the blame once she found out he was married and wouldn't let him go-I don't believe she KNEW until he was ready to break it off-I believe he set her up to reject him and it backfired on him!
But you see, the total BLAME for the whole situation getting started laid on HIM-and so HE needed to be the target for my anger, NOT HER. Sure, she might have known or not known, he was married, and still tried to hang on, but you have got to see where IT ALL STARTED FROM-THE SOURCE WAS THE WAYWARD SPOUSE! That's who started this whole mess.
And the brunt of your anger needs to be directed toward HIM-see what I'm trying to tell you?
The WHOLE fault for starting this lays with the wayward spouse-and you must face that--just like I had to. Your husbands CHOSE this path, and when you direct ALL the blame on OW, and put NONE on him-you are defeating the purpose and living in denial-reality MUST be seen for what it is-they have committed the MOST selfish act there can be: breaking their marriage vows and putting the marriage asunder in the losing of their committment. And you have EVERY right to be ANGRY at your MLC spouse!
Work through your feelings, reach forgiveness for your husband and OW-then let it go, as you can't change the past-you must now look to the future, that is one thing you CAN change.
Don't allow this to wield power over you-you've got enough on your plate as it is.
More on understanding OW and MLC'er-and what they think they need from each other
This is a partial quote of mine from another thread-it might help to answer your question:
But when all was said and done, I DID overcome-and see OW in a different light than I did before-and without hate and resentment in my heart toward her--she is to be pitied rather than hated, because her problems are much bigger than ours will ever be.
We are learning what we need for this life, while OW stumbles along in the dark, never understanding why she cannot be happy with what she is doing with married men-using them for MONEY and MAINTENANCE.
You still think this is all about sex? Think again-sex, most of the time has NOTHING to do with it-it is only used as a "weapon" a last resort to try and keep the man--mostly what the OW is after is the MONEY she can get from a man-and if that is the ONLY thing she gets she can be happy with that-she only uses her sexuality to try and keep them, and most of the time she will get dumped like a rock, always being left behind.
I'm not saying they are ALL not interested in sex, but think about it--it is true that some will be happy with just getting MONEY from the married men-as they are concerned with THEMSELVES, and not the man-and the bad part is that when the OW is finished USING the man-she will dump him and walk away without a second look-as he has served his purpose with her-she has found something she considers "better".
The description above is the OW's idea of "True Luv"-they have NO idea what love really entails-and so they equate it with "using". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I recall posting one time that "neurotics attract neurotics" and that is VERY true in MLC-OW has problems, the MLC'er has problems and for a time, they meet needs within each other.
OW is not looking for anything EXCEPT what SHE percieves SHE needs-and the MLC'er is doing the same thing with her.
Most of the time NEITHER one is aware they are "using" each other-until the affair begins to dissolve.
I understand, too, that is NOT always this cut and dried and black and white, but it IS an underlying reason OW takes up with men that look less than desirable-they are not so much concerned with that as they are with MONEY and MAINTENANCE.
One of the first things OW tries to find out is how much money they have and have no shame about begging them out of it, because she perceives that as "being kept", and ultimately that is what she is after.
She has NO interest in really pursuing a committed relationship, she is just as selfish as the MLC'er has become while deep within the tunnel.
When the affair dissolves, she is outraged because her "meal ticket" has just gone out the window, and she engages in "pursuing behaviors" mostly for that reason.
And, of course the she refuses to take her half of the blame-ALL the blame goes on the married man who up and left her--high and dry--she is ANGRY because he is no longer there to "keep her" in the lifestyle she is accustomed to. b]This concerns placing blame and anger totally on OW, instead of directing it toward the SOURCE-the WAS[/b]
This sermon caused some controversy on the thread it was posted on-but it was necessary-I didn't want to offend anyone, and still don't-it was part of the lessons I learned-and anyone can still learn from this-don't get "stuck" in misdirected anger, learn to face the actual SOURCE that started this whole mess: the WAS
Now, one other thing, and this is based on many posts I have seen:
Why do you ladies place ALL the blame, and direct your anger at OW? I'm just curious about that-or maybe that is something you have to learn about--at first, I was angry at just the OW, but then the Lord made me realize the fault laid with MY HUSBAND-HE was the one who started this, not her.
She carried some of the blame once she found out he was married and wouldn't let him go-I don't believe she KNEW until he was ready to break it off-I believe he set her up to reject him and it backfired on him!
But you see, the total BLAME for the whole situation getting started laid on HIM-and so HE needed to be the target for my anger, NOT HER. Sure, she might have known or not known, he was married, and still tried to hang on, but you have got to see where IT ALL STARTED FROM-THE SOURCE WAS THE WAYWARD SPOUSE! That's who started this whole mess.
And the brunt of your anger needs to be directed toward HIM-see what I'm trying to tell you?
The WHOLE fault for starting this lays with the wayward spouse-and you must face that--just like I had to. Your husbands CHOSE this path, and when you direct ALL the blame on OW, and put NONE on him-you are defeating the purpose and living in denial-reality MUST be seen for what it is-they have committed the MOST selfish act there can be: breaking their marriage vows and putting the marriage asunder in the losing of their committment. And you have EVERY right to be ANGRY at your MLC spouse!
Work through your feelings, reach forgiveness for your husband and OW-then let it go, as you can't change the past-you must now look to the future, that is one thing you CAN change.
Don't allow this to wield power over you-you've got enough on your plate as it is.
More on understanding OW and MLC'er-and what they think they need from each other
This is a partial quote of mine from another thread-it might help to answer your question:
But when all was said and done, I DID overcome-and see OW in a different light than I did before-and without hate and resentment in my heart toward her--she is to be pitied rather than hated, because her problems are much bigger than ours will ever be.
We are learning what we need for this life, while OW stumbles along in the dark, never understanding why she cannot be happy with what she is doing with married men-using them for MONEY and MAINTENANCE.
You still think this is all about sex? Think again-sex, most of the time has NOTHING to do with it-it is only used as a "weapon" a last resort to try and keep the man--mostly what the OW is after is the MONEY she can get from a man-and if that is the ONLY thing she gets she can be happy with that-she only uses her sexuality to try and keep them, and most of the time she will get dumped like a rock, always being left behind.
I'm not saying they are ALL not interested in sex, but think about it--it is true that some will be happy with just getting MONEY from the married men-as they are concerned with THEMSELVES, and not the man-and the bad part is that when the OW is finished USING the man-she will dump him and walk away without a second look-as he has served his purpose with her-she has found something she considers "better".
The description above is the OW's idea of "True Luv"-they have NO idea what love really entails-and so they equate it with "using". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I recall posting one time that "neurotics attract neurotics" and that is VERY true in MLC-OW has problems, the MLC'er has problems and for a time, they meet needs within each other.
OW is not looking for anything EXCEPT what SHE percieves SHE needs-and the MLC'er is doing the same thing with her.
Most of the time NEITHER one is aware they are "using" each other-until the affair begins to dissolve.
I understand, too, that is NOT always this cut and dried and black and white, but it IS an underlying reason OW takes up with men that look less than desirable-they are not so much concerned with that as they are with MONEY and MAINTENANCE.
One of the first things OW tries to find out is how much money they have and have no shame about begging them out of it, because she perceives that as "being kept", and ultimately that is what she is after.
She has NO interest in really pursuing a committed relationship, she is just as selfish as the MLC'er has become while deep within the tunnel.
When the affair dissolves, she is outraged because her "meal ticket" has just gone out the window, and she engages in "pursuing behaviors" mostly for that reason.
And, of course the she refuses to take her half of the blame-ALL the blame goes on the married man who up and left her--high and dry--she is ANGRY because he is no longer there to "keep her" in the lifestyle she is accustomed to.
I am convinced this is NOT all about sex-it is about selfishness, using and obsession. On both parts.
Yes, the affair meets some needs, but disregards others-and the "caring, love and intimacy" that helps a relationship get off the ground and grow is NOT there.
Theirs is mostly built on deception, and "what's in it for me?" routine, and both don't care who they hurt.
This was the answer S&A provided to my question-and I brought it here for additional help in "letting go" of the resentment and ill-will that is sometimes transferred to the OW alone:
Why do you ladies place ALL the blame, and direct your anger at OW? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have done much thinking on this for two years as the Gnat has been so central to my story, though as you say...just a symptom.
The main reason is because it is easier to hate her than our H. We are emotionally attached to H and arent to the OW so it costs us less pain to focus our hate on her (for whom we do not care) than on our H who have done a heinous thing to us. Our H's betrayal is very personal as he was the one who promised to love, honor, cherish us and forsake all others. He knew our heart and did it anyway. AHHHHHH
This is hard to bear.
Secondly, though I realize this is sexist, I think the media at least has portrayed men as being highly controlled by their sex hormones and on some level they cant help it (lame I know...they can help it...) Somehow I think we tend to think the OW should know better and it is an offense to treat a female sister like this. I am convinced this is NOT all about sex-it is about selfishness, using and obsession. On both parts.
Yes, the affair meets some needs, but disregards others-and the "caring, love and intimacy" that helps a relationship get off the ground and grow is NOT there.
Theirs is mostly built on deception, and "what's in it for me?" routine, and both don't care who they hurt.
This was the answer S&A provided to my question-and I brought it here for additional help in "letting go" of the resentment and ill-will that is sometimes transferred to the OW alone:
Why do you ladies place ALL the blame, and direct your anger at OW? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have done much thinking on this for two years as the Gnat has been so central to my story, though as you say...just a symptom.
The main reason is because it is easier to hate her than our H. We are emotionally attached to H and arent to the OW so it costs us less pain to focus our hate on her (for whom we do not care) than on our H who have done a heinous thing to us. Our H's betrayal is very personal as he was the one who promised to love, honor, cherish us and forsake all others. He knew our heart and did it anyway. AHHHHHH
This is hard to bear.
Secondly, though I realize this is sexist, I think the media at least has portrayed men as being highly controlled by their sex hormones and on some level they cant help it (lame I know...they can help it...) Somehow I think we tend to think the OW should know better and it is an offense to treat a female sister like this.
This is concerning CYCLES
A "cycle" starts when the same behavior is repeated over and over for a period of time and there is NO end to it-it "circles" in other words. And the person repeating the "cycle" must have help to break free from it.
Something HAS to give when a cycle starts, someone's behavior has to change or a confrontation has to ensue.
For example:
Say a man has OW, but wants his wife too seeing them both because he is too weak to decide what he wants. The wife states her stand on it, and he promises to get rid of OW. But he ignores what she says and lies to her so he can keep right on seeing OW AND his wife, too-"fence-sitting" is a better word for that or "cake-eating".
After giving the man a reasonable period of time-usually a week, the wife then needs to change her behavior toward the man, "cutting him off", "going dark" AFTER telling him ONE MORE TIME where she stands.
In effect, the change of behavior SHOULD break the "cycle".
When it doesn't break, something is wrong-the wife MUST stick to her guns and NOT allow him to see her at all-"cycles" are difficult to break when the wife lacks the strength to enforce her stand. IF he moves on, she has lost nothing, but allowing for human nature, most of the time, the man will go on and dump the OW, coming back to the wife, knowing she means business, and won't allow him to get away with this.
You see, people will do what we allow them to get away with, and when the SAME problem crops up AGAIN and AGAIN, it begins what is called a "cycle" and a change in behavior is called for to break it. And that change MUST be solid, no waffling-self-respect is at usually at stake.
In MLC, there are certain times when this will work, and you must know when those times are.
I've seen several cases here of "cycles" and some them continue on and on, because the LBS lacks the strength to make a stand, afraid of being willing to lose all to possibly regain the MLC'er.
As long as the MLC'er is waffling between the wife and OW, it is a good time to break a cycle.
It might try the patience of the LBS, but in the end, unless the MLC'er goes nuts and chooses OW, it should work.
There are other "cycles" to look at, in the cases of disrespect-controlling and manipulation can be stopped.
It calls, again, for a change in behavior-reacting in a way that the MLC'er does NOT expect, and refusing to take anymore.
My husband used to control me with anger and threats when I confronted him, and he used to say things that would "shut me up". If he didn't want to discuss something he used to say hurtful things to me, so I would withdraw and say nothing else to him. And this cycle was going on while he was in his MLC-I stopped that cycle by changing my behavior and reactions to his hateful statements-the next thing he did was threaten to leave, and I, instead of crying and begging like I did before, just cut him loose, and invited him to leave if that was what HE wanted to do.
He's never repeated that behavior again, and that was the only "cycle" I got stuck in.
The bottom line is, you have to overcome your FEAR, and make a stand against what you know is WRONG, not worrying about what might happen, just knowing your self-respect is at stake, and being strong enough to stand.
If he really wants to leave..etc, he will do what HE wants to do, and there's NOTHING you can do about it. But you cannot become a "doormat" for him to walk on. You must be resolute and strong without becoming soft. And you don't have to put up with wrong behavior. It CAN be stopped, point-blank.
This is a Q and A from LSL, asking me to further define what must be done during a cycle
This does MORE explaining and helps to further your understanding.
HOW DOES ONE DETERMINE THE CHANGE NEEDED. IS IT BOUNDARIES, 180'S, SOME COMBINATION? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you commit to a course of action-the "consequences" of that action no longer matter-you are letting go of that. Making your stand is NOT considered 'punishment'-that is up to the Lord to "punish" people by causing them to reap what they sow.
You are simply deciding what you will and won't tolerate and taking steps to CHANGE that situation, through actions and/or confrontation. It is the equivalent of saying "NO MORE" and not backing down.
The actions you take depend upon the situation faced-I outlined two different examples of making such a stand in my last post.
Most situations are NOT so different, LSL, and the "bully's" reactions are usually NOT that different, unless he/she is totally twisted, and/or at the "point of no return"-or is determined to leave forever, anyway. OR, even, they IGNORE the LBS actions, and just continue their unacceptable behavior-in THAT case-you either ACCEPT it or NOT-your choice all the way around. There are some "die-hards" that will NEVER see what they are doing to hurt themselves and others-and of course that is covered in psychiatric disorders. They are beyond help-and you cannot help them, and MUST just let them go totally-getting on with your life.
What behavior you are standing up against determines the changes that have to be made in the LBS-this is "solution-based" thinking-it DEPENDS on what you are facing, LSL as to what you need to do. IF one thing doesn't work, try something else-each person is different and it might require a combination of things to bring about a desired result. No one can decide that for you-it is always YOUR choice-and you know your husband better than anyone else.
IS THE ONLY "SOLID" OPTION IN A OW-CYCLE AN ULTIMATUM - or ARE THERE OTHER OPTIONS LBS HAS TO PREVENT WAS/'caker' "FROM GETTING AWAY WITH"(NO CONSEQUENCES) THIS BEHAVIOR ? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are several possibilities the LBS can use, and the only three options are:
1. Ultimatum, which in the case of MLC won't work unless the MLC'er is READY to give OW up, and is attempting to CAKE-EAT.
2. Going dark without saying a word, but the WAS won't "get it" so a confrontation IN THE CASE OF OW is usually necessary BEFORE going dark.
3. Just tolerating the situation, and going on endlessly for years, allowing the cycle to continue-had to throw that one in-it is the LEAST desireable option, but one that is usually chosen because fear dictates the actions of the LBS.
I, quite honestly, don't see any OTHER ways of handling this type of situation WITHOUT a confrontation of some sort-the LBS has to come to the point of deciding what he/she will and won't tolerate and take action-and that course of action is UP to the individual who is on the receiving end of this.
WILL ONE KNOW WHEN THIS WILL WORK - IS THERE ANY INDICATION AS WHAT THOSE TIMES ARE? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had my insight and someone to guide me in this, LSL-but your own intuition is your BEST indicator--use the tools you have been given through DB, self-help books, the Bible, and this messageboard to help you-that is what they are here for-for one thing.
On the other hand, watching the situation is one of the BEST indicators as to when the BEST time is to confront-I can't exactly explain it, but YOU WILL KNOW-it goes back to your intuition-and the "cycle" that develops will become so clear even the person involved within CAN'T miss it unless they are totally BLIND, or choose to be. Depends on, again, what each of us are willing to live with and tolerate. If you're not satisfied with a situation, CHANGE it, taking the steps necessary to do so.
Again, when you take a course of action, you LET GO of what the consequences may be(spouse goes on and leaves, etc). But understand we are human and there is so much even WE will tolerate before something must be done, and each of our tolerance levels are different-what is totally UNacceptable to one person may be totally Acceptable to another-each one of us are different-those differences must be taken into account.
In short, we each KNOW, deep within our hearts what we can and can't live with.
DOES THE "STAND" MEAN ASKING SPOUSE TO LEAVE? OR DOES IT MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS (ex.BOUNDARIES) FOR DIFFERENT CYCLES? DOES IT MEAN WAS LEAVE IN CASE OF OW? DOES THE STAND DEMAND A CHOICE ON THE WAS, WHERE THE LBS HAS TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH CHOICE RESULTS/CONSEQUENCES? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is totally up to the LBS-different circumstances call for different courses of actions-again it DEPENDS on the circumstances-and when you KNOW the options you have, you can make a choice that "fits" within those options.
In MLC, there DOES come a time when you will have to "be willing to lose all to possibly regain him" and the circumstances ARE differing.
In my own case-and I know I've told this story before-I was attempting to hold my husband accountable for OW, plus his behavior, and I triggered a tantrum in him--now, in the past he'd always controlled me through anger and threats, and that had always worked then, but not at the time I confronted him.
He threatened to leave me because in his words "You won't shut up", and I released him-telling him if that was what he wanted to do, do it, but don't threaten me with it again-and I never raised my voice-I had learned TWO lessons that day-the first was to stay quiet in conflict, and the second was the "being willing to lose all to possibly regain him" lesson.
He threatened me with other stuff(no physical violence, though--that line had been drawn YEARS before) and I just kept putting the decision to leave or not to leave BACK on his shoulders and was calm about it.
He never left.
He has NOT repeated this particular behavior again-and at one time it WAS a bone of contention between us-I had ALLOWED it for many years, but no more-I had made my stand, and he responded to that stand by STOPPING the behavior-I didn't give him the SAME reaction I had given over the years-I had changed the tapes.
Now, remember the decision I made at that time was NOT made ahead of time-it was made in a split-second, because the tantrum and threats were made UNEXPECTEDLY-I did NOT know what he was going to do until he did it.
But, you see, I was guided into holding him accountable, and I was "pushed" until I did it-the Lord would NOT allow me to back down, as the "old" me would have done before-I could NOT revert back to "old" behaviors-it was placed within me to confront and I did-but you see, WHEN I did I "let go" of the consequences of my actions-leaving them to the LORD to work out.
If he HAD left, there was NOTHING I could have done to stop it-and I knew that, too, even BEFORE I confronted-but I had to be READY to accept whatever the result would be-it was up to my husband whether he stayed or went, not me.
All these things passed through my mind that day, but I settled myself afterwards, knowing I had done all I could, but I wasn't willing to let him manipulate me anymore-I wasn't a child, and neither was he-and he DID respect me a great deal more after that.
Now, concerning making him leave in the case of OW DOES have its advantages-it causes him to "miss" the LBS, and OW has the burden of meeting ALL his needs, not just some of them-and she doesn't know him the way the LBS does, and so he becomes dissatisfied with the affair and it burns out--UNLESS he is determined to start over anyway-again that is BEYOND the LBS' control--everything comes down to being willing to LET GO of controlling ANYTHING concerning another person-because really, we don't OWN anyone except OURSELVES, and all things happen for a reason.
The STAND CAN mean going through with what the LBS has said he/she will do if certain conditions are not met, and that is NOT control-the WAS has broken their marriage vows, and the LBS has the right to demand a choice, but in MLC, that can happen only when the MLC'er is CAKE-EATING.
Do NOT make your stand UNTIL you are READY to live with the consequences of what you are saying you will do-that is WHY I say you CANNOT waffle-you must stand strong and be willing to go through it.
Otherwise, the cycle will definitely repeat itself, and the time will be lengthened to ensure you learn the lesson and "get it" right.
One more thing, even if the WAS REFUSES to leave-you can STILL make your stand and go at least "dim" on them-refusing to have much of ANYTHING to do with him/her-and sticking to it, getting on with your life.
Though I talked my husband out of leaving when I found out about OW, and he treated me terribly, I ended up going totally "dim" on him, and that sent him the message that he could LOSE me-I was calm, quiet, but firm that this had better stop-but I never threatened him or said anything that indicated I was going to leave-I just had very little to do with him for awhile-and he got the message, loud and clear.
But, deep down, I hurt so badly that it was unreal-but that did pass, in time, and I felt I was doing the right thing, and knew it for sure when I observed him coming back toward me later on.
Whew, Lord, I hope I have explained this in a way that will help you ALL to understand how this works--I KNOW how it works having been there before, but explaining it in a way that is understood is hard, but I think I got it right.
