Would really like to read some her sermons, I heard she is legendary, and what I could find was amazing...much thanks Cadet for any help!
Sorry Shane if this appears hi-jacky!!
This has been purged from DB however I will give you them from my own private notes
The importance of establishing a "Time-Line"
October 1999-My husband was involved in an accident that killed a man instantly. He had a nervous breakdown that day and beat himself to pieces for something that was NOT his fault-nothing I or his sister could say would make him feel better.
Late November 1999-He experiences a great burst of anger-entering the tunnel but I was unaware of anything EXCEPT I sensed the emotional "door" closing between us.
November 1999-December 2000-He withdraws at times, throws tantrums at others-insults me at times, but yet so loving at others-We are fighting near continuous-more than once I saw him throw his wallet at the front door or throw glasses in the sink because he feels that what he says is NOT being listened to. Tells me to "shut up" near constantly-and no matter what I say or do--it's not right in his eyes-and I'm confused.
Skips checking for my voicemail messages some nights-seems to be 'teasing' me about running away with a "boyfriend" if I'm late leaving a message. Starts coming home later and later on Fridays nights, and sometimes wouldn't show up until Saturday morning of each week.
Ignored me and son totally, and shuts down-we bought a house during 2000, and moved-the stress of all this got to me, and I blew up one night in November of 2000, he threatened to leave me that first time, saying he didn't have to listen to what I was saying-I begged him not to leave me-and we ended up on the bathroom floor, trying to figure out what had triggered this HUGE fight.
In hindsight, not long after we moved in September of 2000, our emotional and spiritual bond disintegrated-and I felt the effects of that break. His distancing got worse AFTER the fight in November.
January 2001-August 2001 He spends more and more time on the computer-becomes more angry and distant. I'm at a loss what to do except to leave him alone. If I did ANYTHING in the way of affection-I would get angry looks and if I interrupted him, I would get angry looks. If I entered the room while he was on the computer, he would close whatever he was looking at-I didn't think too much of that.
In May, things took a different turn-he came out of the bathroom one day and I saw he'd shaved his beard down into a goatee' and the look on his face was like that of a small child that had done something wrong-I didn't like the goatee' I HATED it, and said so. He just disregarded me.
I began to discover breath mints, he began taking care of himself even better than he had in the past-I just went on with my life-it was all I could do-I didn't know anything then-I just trusted him like I had always had done.
In July 2001, his Dad died, but he didn't call me to tell me until TWO hours after he knew-and he acted strangely, not wanting me to go with him, and I thought I wasn't going to be able to as son was going to summer school at that time, and couldn't miss.
My sister-in-law offered, on her own to keep son while we went, and my husband was NOT enthusiastic about it--strange, considering you'd think he'd have WANTED my comfort, but he didn't.
The whole trip was weird-He stepped out of the motel room and was gone for almost three hours, and his excuse, when he came back was that he'd talked to the clerk-I found out later on that the OW had a 1-800 number, and figured that part out in hindsight.
PLUS-I discovered he has TWO messages on his cell-phone, but he won't allow me to retrieve them for him, says his "code" was messed up-his step-mother said she left ONLY one-guess who the other was from? OW, no doubt.
Anyway, he's in this big hurry to come back and go to work after the funeral, even though his step-mother begged him to stay at least one more night, but he refused. I can't explain his attitude-it was like he couldn't have cared less how she felt, and he didn't want to take time out of HIS life to spend time with her. I remember being VERY angry about what he did, but couldn't do anything about it.
And so we resumed our lives, supposedly. By August of 2001, I was UNABLE to reach him anymore-things were bottoming out, and though I knew he loved me(or thought he did) I didn't think he cared. And so therefore I let him go into the hands of the Lord to deal with.
September 2001 marked a turning point-two days after the attack on the World Trade center, I was fixing to log-into the internet when I saw that my reycle bin had something in it-I hadn't thrown anything away, and so I looked, discovering my son was accessing pornography--oh LORD!
I called him into the room and showed him what I'd found, and got onto him, telling him that he was grounded until I could speak with his dad about it.
I was floored, but ok, understanding that kids sometimes are curious-but of course I couldn't tell HIM that. LOL
Then it occurred to me that the cookies were still on the system and I had to get them off. When I ran a search, my HUSBAND'S login showed up-and my heart dropped into my stomach-I logged into his desktop, and looked at his history-and discovered HE was accessing--and had been for over FIVE months-mostly red-headed porn.
This was the bomb that got dropped on me.
It was two more days before I could confront him, and I did it over the phone-we had a really strange conversation, but it seemed important to him that I not throw him out-and the "old" me was still there, so you can imagine the tantrum I threw! LOL
He said many strange things-like when I kissed him, he said, like it was new discovery, that I had the SAME affect on him I always had-and in hindsight, again, I now know he'd fallen out of love with me, and OW was there and had been there, possibly since December 1999.
September 2001-January 2002 After two weeks of attempting to get to the bottom of this, he decides he doesn't want to do this anymore, and more garbage spewed, possibly from guilt and who knows what else.
In late October 2001, I started finding signs of an affair-and I lived in denial for two weeks because I COULDN'T believe he had done this to me. But I was living blind and I knew it, so I asked for the blinders to be taken off my eyes-and they were. Every sign you could imagine, hit me in the face-my husband was CHEATING on me, but lied when I confronted him and threatened to leave in late November, when I finally jumped him.
It was the start of three weeks worth of misery and emotional deprivation that was worse than what I had suffered before.
We were arguing constantly, and he laid down the law to me concerning SEX of all things-that I couldn't have him when I wanted him-I would just have to hold him and be fulfilled. Or when OW would come up: He'd say that he was too fat and ugly, and NO girl would look at him-and the arguments went on and on, and the ANGER in him was terrible.
Though he first said that I hadn't anything to cause this, he then turned around and said I hadn't given him enough SEX during our marriage-it was actually the OTHER way around-he was projecting his feelings on me. He also said that I criticized when I shouldn't-another projection.
He also said we needed to start out as Friends first then progress to the lover's stage-I remember hitting him with "Friends don't DO things like this to each other."
And I just kept arguing with him, which made things worse and worse, pushing me to the brink of suicide-that was when I found Jim Conway's site and found some of the answers I needed.
When I finally GOT what I had to do, and asked the Lord to help me, things started to get better, but were far from being finished. It was strong, within my own mind by December 15, that I had had enough and was leaving-the next day my "guide" showed up, and started me along the path to where I needed to be.
A couple of days later, he began making his way out of the tunnel-traveling the emotional parts, hitting a major change on December 31, 2001-it was another three weeks before he bottomed out, not once, but twice, and instead of starting into Acceptance, he bounced into Withdrawal instead.
February 2002-March 2002-It was during this time, my husband stayed in Withdrawal-trying NOT to have to face the changes he would have to make, and his "head-clearing" tantrum, and some of my more important lessons were learned during this time. On March 24th, he broke that Withdrawal, and talked some asking me for forgiveness, confirming WHEN this started-after that he started into the final stages of Acceptance.
April 2002-July 2002 This was a strange time for me, as I discovered he still didn't "get it"-that, in a way, it was STILL all about him, and nothing concerning me. There were many hurdles to get past, and I was disgusted many times-he kept slipping back and forth between Withdrawal and Depression, having "pity" parties for himself, that I listened to quite often.
In late May, we rebonded emotionally-and in early June, another change occurred, I started seeing a "replay" of December.
He would run me over to get to the phone-and an old fear jumped up and bit me in the tail-I ended up picking a fight with him, and more lies were told. I remember telling him that "this is STILL ALL about you, isn't it? When you are ready to talk to me, you know where I am."
The split began all over again, only this time there was no "old" to see, only new and the children. And, of course I was on the road with him as he passed through the final revisitations of the stages.
Going into early July he was still "processing", but on July 10, the spiritual bond between us rebuilt itself, and he crossed over into the final stage of Acceptance.
Through the rest of July, August and on into September, he has continued to process himself -AND YES, he FINALLY asked for the answers that were inside him all along, and he began to receive those- and I have seen him change continuously into what he is becoming-on September 28, he passed OUT of the storm, facing his Final Fears on November 3, coming out of the 'gate' completely.
His ending and my ending has come together, as I finished the "clean-up" November 25, 2002, with an outpouring of "old" feelings to make way for the new ones in this New Beginning that we are both experiencing. He has NOT come out the same person he was-it is like getting to know him ALL over again, and he has to get to know ME all over again, for BOTH have changed and are NOT the SAME people we were.
Edit for some material by the author - Cadet
This concerns LIFE'S LESSONS
The life's lessons you are to learn out of this are simple ones, but HARD to put into actions
They involve Control Lessons first and foremost. The rule of thumb to remember is the only person you can control in this life is YOU, not anyone else-and change must begin within before a situation changes without.
That means ALL control you THINK you have must be released: physical, spiritual-everything.
The MLC'er, no matter how erratic he/she is acting, is NOT a child, and does NOT need help-they must be allowed to work this out on their own and make decisions accordingly.
I know you think you are helping if you try to show them what you perceive they are doing wrong, but they will see it as CONTROL, and run further away.
You have to learn to separate the behavior from the person, and set boundaries as to what you will and won't accept, taking care of YOU in the process.
Focusing on what the MLC'er is or is not doing is NOT helping YOU-it is only dragging you down further and further, and you WILL hit rock-bottom and have a nervous breakdown, worrying about things you CANNOT and DO NOT have control over.
You must learn, also to STAY CALM in conflict-the more emotional power you give a situation, the worse it can escalate. Tap into the inner strength you KNOW is there and use it to your advantage.
You must face Childhood Wounds and heal them, whatever those may be, and they will be found on your journey to find YOU. That means exploring your childhood, looking at the patterns YOU are repeating-and change your behavior accordingly-that is part of your growth.
Remember no one does anything to YOU-they do it to THEMSELVES, as this has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with THEM.
IF you don't like a situation, CHANGE IT-taking the steps necessary to do so. Each individual is different and it may take a combination of things to achieve this change.
Learn that happiness, self-validation, self-esteem etc comes from WITHIN you, and is NOT found in outside factors-NO ONE can make you "complete". You must learn to find these things WITHIN.
Then, and only then will True Love be born-you will need because you love, not love because you need.
Accepting yourself is extremely important as we must live with ourselves for the rest of our lives, and we know deep within our hearts what we can and cannot live with.
We must "let go" no matter how painful that might be, it is through the giving of this freedom, we may regain our MLC spouse. Because we will NEVER own anyone, but OURSELVES.
That inner peace we are searching for CAN be attained through the "letting go" totally-it is the peace we can have WITHIN the storm.
And until we reach that point, we will always be confused-it is through the clearing of our mind that the answers will come from the place they have always been--within ourselves.
There are NO answers to be found outside of us, otherwise.
We can and must trust ourselves to do the right thing at all times, trusting in the Lord to guide our feet along this journey.
And understand that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, we WILL be all right.
when we detach completely, what makes us want to get BACK involved with our WAS's? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the biggest factors is the hope of getting a better marriage out of this ugly mess, which I'm getting now. Sure, there will always be problems and it won't be "paradise" from what I have seen come about as he has changed, it is MUCH better than what I had the first 16 years of marriage.
But then I'VE changed, too, and know more of what I want and need out of this marriage, and I don't hesitate to ask for it.
And there are better things out there, PLUS worse things out there-the question is, what would you find first?
EVERYBODY has problems of varying degrees-there are very few that have undertaken the journey we have gone through, and come out changed and mature(intact).
The change that comes is one of maturity-and love is there NOT because of need-it is the other way around-the need is there BECAUSE of the love. And the married couple truly becomes FRIENDS for the first time in their lives, able to lean on one other and carry each other's burdens when needed-it becomes as it should have been to begin with.
I didn't realize until my husband came out of his storm with all these changes that a cycle had been broken-he no longer treated me as my dad had-my changes and wound-healing had something to do with that, which, in turn evoked a change in HIM.
And yes, I like what he has become MUCH better than what he used to be. And can work with it.
What did it feel like, from your view, after you detached? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What he didn't seem to matter as much, and his behavior didn't affect me like it once had-before he would have upset me badly when he got angry, now it doesn't even affect me-I usually tell him I'm sorry he feels the way he does, and just leave it at that. If he's irritated about something, instead of automatically thinking it was my fault, like I once did, I ask him if he'd like to talk about it-if he doesn't, I just leave him alone, and he usually comes and talks to me sometimes.
But, I don't "get scared" that he's planning something out of the ordinary-I'm strong enough to take whatever comes around-it was part of my changes, too. I back down enough so he knows I DO need him-this was a problem before, but I don't get all "clingy" and "desperate" with him. It would run him off, I believe.
Is your H a much smaller part of your life and thoughts? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, and no. He does NOT consume my life and thoughts like he once did-I DO have a life of my own or a reasonable facsimile, thereof. My life, is actually quite boring to other people-I don't go out much and when I worked, I usually went to work, came home, did what I had to do in the house, taking care of business here on the home-front-it is much like I used to do.
I visit sometimes, but I don't stay gone from home much-and I spend time with our son-as much as he can stand me.
In effect, I don't do ANYTHING except what is required of me, here at home.
I spend time with my husband when he comes in off the road....
I choose to spend my time the way I see fit, and I do NOT pursue my husband for attention-that backfired on me before-so he pursues ME.
But the main thing is, I'm content with my life as it is. I'm not hard to please, and I don't crave excitement.
I think of him quite often, but not obsessive thoughts-that is part of being detached from him.
I love him, but he is not a means to an end, either. If he left me tomorrow, with the lessons I've learned, I would understand it was NOT me, but HIM.
And so, the cage door stays open-he can choose to leave ANYTIME he wants to, but so can I, and he knows this.
Reconnecting with our H would not end our journey because they are the reason we are on it and changes need to be made to continue on with them. We cannot go back to the way things were, the old M is dead. If we were to hook up with someone else, they would be wanting us for who we are now and we would not feel the need to change/grow and we wouldn't. Thus ending our journey. In fact to find someone right now and hook up with them would validate in our minds that we don't need to make any changes because we are "wanted" by someone just the way we are. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She is correct, S&A. Reconnecting with my husband did NOT stop my journey, as evidenced by my posts concerning this journey we are on.
We will continue on this journey long past the "changing" stage, where our changes will be "tested" over and over again, until they are in place permanently.
Only then will we be allowed to "move on", forgetting the pain, but remembering the LESSONS, we were taught.
And we won't do that until we learn EVERY lesson we are given to learn.
I discovered there was ONE MORE THING I had to learn besides the basic life's lessons, and I went on to learn ONE final lesson, ONLY THEN, have I begun to "move on" with my life.
I learned not to gripe and complain, and the reason why I shouldn't-as it does NOT change anything, and keeps the original problem alive and well, getting me "stuck".
And, in essence, I am finishing my journey in tandem with my husband-because I started on this journey BECAUSE of him in the first place.
The growing HAS to take place and the changes HAVE to be made, otherwise, you will recycle what you didn't learn another time-and that trial might be much worse than what you are currently going through.
I was shown that while in this-and thinking I wanted to escape it-but I couldn't if I wanted to come through completely and keep my marriage, too.
Besides, I loved and still love my husband with the SAME unconditional love I always had, this time, though it's GOD'S LOVE I love him with, as my human love would NOT withstand what I was going through during that time.
I had ALWAYS loved him unconditionally, no matter what, and he was unable to accept that in the past, always "setting me up" to reject him, which I NEVER did.
That was the difference between me and his mother-and the reason behind the affair.
I was not given this understanding in ONE day-it came over months of growing and changing, and being willing to listen and learn, opening my mind to what the Lord was showing me.
He showed me a great deal about my husband AND me, plus what led up to his MLC.
I was able, then, to understand the "whys" and "hows" of this whole trial.
And some of it, I got at one sitting-some came trickling down a little at a time, when I could understand better.
And, like I've posted before, I knew what the OUTCOME of this was going to be, all I had to do was walk the journey, making the necessary decisions to get there.
I was one of the blessed ones, who knew from the start, and I asked why the Lord was so willing to show me to outcome-and it was because I had always been obedient to Him in ALL things.
He also said the marriage was meant to be, and meant to go on, as He had put me and my husband together in the first place-and of course this was done for a reason-we both had things to teach one another that would take a lifetime to learn.
There was hope as long as I still loved my husband, and I came on through with him, obeying ALL I was told to do-and each time I was given instruction, I was told the outcome, but it was up to me to do what I was told to do to bring about what was to be.
I made many mistakes, and time was added because of those mistakes-and there were some mistakes made on my husband's part-and again, time was added-we BOTH had a hand in lengthening this.
But that time was necessary to make sure the lessons held, and I accepted that-I had to.
Many times I got disgusted and wanted to run away, my patience was being developed during this trial, and everything that happened, increased my patience-it was the gift I was most lacking in, so therefore, my trials to develop Patience were the worst.
But, the Lord was AlWAYS patient and long-suffering with me, letting me know all the time, that it was up to me to stay or leave-and reminding me of what would happen if I did.
No, I didn't stay because of the Lord, though I was obedient to Him in ALL things-I stayed because I loved my husband and was willing to forgive him, and help him rebuild our lives together.
I have been married all my life, and my husband is, in spite of what he put me through, a good man, and I know I could NOT do any better than him-he has always taken care of me, we both have faults and make mistakes, and I know that, too.
I decided to keep what I had, knowing he DOES love me dearly, more now than he ever did, and it SHOWS in a way it never did before.
And, though he said, while deep within the tunnel, he loved me just the way I was, the changes HAD to made, anyway-I don't believe I would be married now if I hadn't taken the time to learn, grow, and change.
