Ok Steve85 I'm back to reading more books. I read lots of books the last time I was at this but I've got a fresh new stack.
Its painful to read to read them. I'm just a blubbering hot mess. Reading my mistakes, understanding his side of things better, how to make real changes all in bold black and white but slightly blurry from the flow of tears.
My H is gone and not just moved out but moved on with the purchase of a house and a new life. I understand his frustration with me and that this was something brewing for many months so that it didn't take much of a catalyst to tip things to the breaking point.
It's like since that moment I've been working hard and slowing getting my sh*t together. I've made a lot of headway in discovering my mindset in the last 6-8 mo and I'm still a work in progress.
I fix those mismatch pieces in myself and work toward being a better partner --- my biggest issues were control and being dismissive... UGH. My control came from the best intentions, really. I never knew until a couple of months ago that left my partner feeling disrespected. I felt a punch in the gut with that... never knew... I thought I was being helpful. Same with the dismissive. I thought I was just being efficient and orderly... he felt never listened to.
Of course I can commit to making real and lasting changes. But, he will never see that. I just can't call him up and say 'hey I've got this all worked out and I'm better now.'
He's buried his pain in staying busy moving forward and giving all the love and affection he wanted to give to me to OW.
I'm here taking as many minutes as possible to work finding my weak spots and shoring them up... but to what end? Of course the changes will benefit ME. What a waste of 10yr if he chooses not to look back and see me that goddess he fell in love with again. I still love him. Of course, I can take this and move forward to whatever I do ---- right now my future plans are to sail the ocean with male bff of 40yr. I will survive and adapt.
Why do I still wish for that chance for him to wipe the dust from his eyes and really look at me again?
