Alison, the boundaries discussion helped a lot today. Thank you. I could see when I stated my boundary-- don't want to hear about AP, he needs to make this decision on his own and I won't help him, I won't be friends with you in this scenario-- he would argue them--WHY can't we be friends for the girls, WHY would it bother you so much that I was with her, and I could feel myself getting drawn into it. I wasn't very successful at NOT getting drawn in but at least was recognizing it when it happened, and I was able to catch myself part of the time-- it isn't fair of you to ask that of me, I'm sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear, I'm just sharing how I feel and it is okay if you don't agree. That at this point I'm going to be working on how to protect myself as we move forward. l
What might help here is if you think of boundaries as something you do with your body as well as your words. You don't explain your boundaries, or convince someone not to breech them, or make threats or anything like that. You don't even need to tell him what your boundaries are.
I think you are explaining yourself an awful lot to him, which just sends him the message that he has a right to this explanation - and the constant self-defence must be exhausting.
ACT OUT your boundaries. A good answer to why questions is 'I don't care to get into that right now. I know this is disappointing and I will leave you alone to process.' LEAVE THE ROOM.
My husband is really really good at hooking me into to defending myself.
'Don't you think it's pretty awful you're not even willing to discuss this?' is a very good one from him.
Then I leap in and try to defend myself from being seen as 'awful'.
What works better is if I reframe awful, keep the boundary, then get out of the room.
'I know my saying no to this conversation feels awful to you.' (See - it's an emotional experience he's having that I validate, not a judgement about who I am as a person...) 'Nevertheless, I don't want to discuss this. You do whatever you think is best.'
I hope this helps. I am sharing this as it's basically all I spoke about with my counsellor for months and I am sure it has as much to do with ending the emotionally manipulative behaviour from me, and the emotionally and verbally abusive behaviour from my H - as anything else. I don't need to weep and cry and guilt trip him into being respectful to me. He can be respectful to me or not according to his own abilities and best judgement. I'm only in the room with someone being respectful.
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Maybe I'll suggest to him that he take a solo camping trip, or something, so that we can both have some space.
This is you doing his work and getting in his business again. If you need space, go for the solo camping trip yourself, or get better at leaving the room when he's dumping his business on you. Don't suggest anything to him. He needs to figure out this on his own.
