Moving On

[may22]

Thanks so much SamCal, Alison, Sage, Scout, IW. All this is really helping.

SamCal-- yes, drinks! And you're totally right that he has been making all the decisions on his own so far. It is all just a mechanism to relieve his own guilt, and/or put me in a position such that it makes me the bad guy for not wanting to keep hanging out as friends after we D.

Alison-- I didn't get an STD from him, but I did go get a full panel to be sure of it. He also tested clean. BUT it could have happened as he did have unprotected sex with her, so not giving any actual credit here.

I am copying over the stock phrases you gave (Scout, I already put yours on my phone) and and will practice them-- they are golden.

Scout-- I am positive he got hooked back into OW because she decided to text him to say she's moving on, oh and by the way slept with someone etc. it was all such an obvious ploy. But not to worry, H got her hooked right back up as plan A. I almost feel sorry for her. I mean everything else aside-- he's been in a relationship with her for two and a half years, she's thrown ultimatums right and left, still hasn't gotten what she wants, and is now saying she'll give up having children in order to be with him, since he adamantly does not want more.

Sage, I really appreciate everything you're saying. I think there is truth to it for sure. That being said, I also believe he is terrified of losing the trappings of our M-- house, finances, reputation, etc, and is terrified of doing something that will harm the children. I do think he is in love with the AP and doesn't believe he can fall "in love" with me again. I think what he has with her is very intense and they have built all these fairy plans of being together forever, unlike your H and his EAP... so I think the tug of her is a lot stronger in my sitch, plus he feels guilty about hurting her. So I don't know that a few weeks of detaching is going to do the trick here.

Tonight, we talked a bit (I think I did a much better job at holding my boundaries, though we did talk about what is going on) and I mentioned his three factors in making the decision to break it off with her in February. He stopped me and said, you can't discount the depth of my love for you. I was like huh? He actually does have quite a bit of clarity around the fact that he wants us both. Tonight he asked why can't we just stay married and he sleeps with her occasionally. ??? I was like, that isn't what she wants, right? She wants to be in the open? So she'd be like your mistress? And he said, yeah! I can't tell if he was joking. But yet again, soooo far in fantasy land.

Also, you and your H had actually S so he had some time to really think of what life would be like without you, went as far as leasing the house, and then freaked out. My H hasn't taken any of those steps yet and I think they need to be taken if he is to ever actually experience or realize what life is like being S from your W. However, he isn't prepared to even take those steps without my agreement. So we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment.

So, I have started to pull myself together somewhat. I started working on finances again-- needed to get a spreadsheet from him which freaked him out. Just like last time. He keeps coming over to see what I'm doing on the computer or my phone and I close it down. Tonight he said, it seems really shady what you're doing. Every time I come over you close a window and put down your phone. (haha, because it is this site in a private window!!) he thinks I'm researching D. I showed him the spreadsheets and said it wasn't meant to be shady. But I need to keep working on this, plans b, c, and d, and be ready to move forward when I think the time is right.

Tonight I told him I no longer wanted to hear about just how much he loves AP any more. That it is hurtful and unnecessary, especially if we are going to split up. He respected this for the most part, though I had to stop him a few times.

He said he felt like he needed to experience an R with AP and fail in order to let her go. That the only way he felt he could rededicate himself to the M was to try to be with her. Otherwise he would always hold onto her in his head. I said, then go. That is your decision. And he went right back to it needing to be something we decided together. I also pointed out that there isn't really a good chance to test our an R with her in any short period of time. She'd have to move across the country which wouldn't happen for months and him sitting in the basement having phone sex with her while eating meals up here wasn't exactly test-driving his R with her-- it was continued cake-eating. (He actually brought up on his own that he knows wanting both is having his cake and eating it too, so now I can say it to him! ha!) He acknowledged the truth of this. That he'd have to really give it his all with her and that I wouldn't be waiting around. He did poke around a little at this... well, what if you were possibly still interested, there maybe would be a chance for us at that point... I was like, no. Leaving me for another woman is the end of us. Sorry.

Sage/Pommy, another interesting thing-- he said to me specifically that he didn't make the decision in Feb. to work on the MR. He felt he made the decision to end his A, which was different. Another reason why we are where we are right now, I think, and also different from your Hs (in a good way for you guys).

Alison, the boundaries discussion helped a lot today. Thank you. I could see when I stated my boundary-- don't want to hear about AP, he needs to make this decision on his own and I won't help him, I won't be friends with you in this scenario-- he would argue them--WHY can't we be friends for the girls, WHY would it bother you so much that I was with her, and I could feel myself getting drawn into it. I wasn't very successful at NOT getting drawn in but at least was recognizing it when it happened, and I was able to catch myself part of the time-- it isn't fair of you to ask that of me, I'm sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear, I'm just sharing how I feel and it is okay if you don't agree. That at this point I'm going to be working on how to protect myself as we move forward.

He's still wearing his ring and sleeping in the MB. He had proposed moving to the office, to which I said ok, but then he didn't actually do it and I haven't felt like making a big deal out of it one way or the other. TBH, I have felt like in the past he has slept in the office specifically in order to be able to tell AP he has done so, like he's taking a solid step towards MO. I decided this can be yet another small decision he gets to own if he wants to move in that direction.

So my plan is to continue to focus on my own needs and plans and detach, detach, detach. It feels easier this time around but still HARD. Live my boundaries. I am OK at the moment talking about what is going on to some degree. Tonight, it was interesting when I put the kibosh on talking about his R with AP, he turned more towards talking about our R, how he felt about the SSM, how in love with me he had been, how much those years had hurt him. Not in a blame-y way but that he wasn't sure he could get over that, and he also didn't think he could forgive himself for what he had done to me with the A. Those two things, and the fact that he didn't believe he could fall in love with me again or out of love with AP made it seem like he should choose her. I said OK, do it. And he still refused. I know I'm supposed to be detaching but I'm just frustrated that we had just started talking about US, our R, the last couple of weeks, including these two giant issues between us, rather than having all the attention focused on the A.... and he ran. I guess I just need to see this as yet another reason why he can't be a good H to me right now or maybe ever.

Maybe I'll suggest to him that he take a solo camping trip, or something, so that we can both have some space.