May - I agree with others that this is now shading into emotional abuse. He is continually hooking you into conversations that you have clearly said you don't want to have. He is making you responsible for the impact his choices and acts of deception and infidelity are having on the children. He is manipulating your love and care for your children and for him.

When it comes to abuse, intention doesn't matter. I don't doubt the guy has good qualities and that he is coming from a place of depression, hurt and desperation. It doesn't matter. If he stands on you to get himself out of the fire he has himself created, it might be understandable, but he's still standing on you, it still hurts, and it still isn't your job.

I would refuse to have these conversations with him. You've said what you want to say, you've said you don't want to talk about it anymore, and any other processing can be done between lawyers or between him and his IC.

If you do have to talk about it, change your language. This is an affair and he he asking you not only to discuss his feeling about his mistress with him but he's also asking you to tolerate an open marriage while he road-tests a sexual relationship with his mistress, after having already given you one sexually transmitted disease. These are harsh words but they are true and in not using them you're only protecting him from the truth of his own behaviour.

I would save your engergy. You can't talk him out of an affair, and he can't talk you into an open marriage or into giving your blessing. His attempts to do so ARE manipulative and abusive and your duty now is to put an end to the aspects of this situation you can control.

Phrases I've found useful in my own marriage right now and in the past include:

'I see this is important to you. Nevertheless, I can't help you with it so I am going to go out for a walk now.'

'I understand what you want from me. I am saying that I don't want to do that. I appreciate that is disappointing. I'll give you some space to process.'

'I know we've talked about this before, several times. I think this is one of those things that we're going to have to agree to differ on. You will have to do what you think is best, as will I, and I don't think discussing it further is going to help either of us.'

'You've already had my answer on that. If I change my mind I will tell you, but in the meantime, I am asking you to respect me by not trying to talk me round to your way of thinking.'

Any decent husband would be protective of his wife. Not attempting to wear her down through manipulative conversations to accept and approve of a situation that is causing her actual emotional pain, harming her well being, and which in the past has given her a physical infection. THAT is why his behaviour is abuse. He is trying to talk you into doing something that you know, and anyone would agree, would be hurtful to you. This man is not your friend or your prime protector and defender. This is why boundaries are so necessary now.