DS is back! I have missed you around these parts. Give us an update on your thread
Perfect advice, thank you Gerda.
I’m actually going to give X the benefit of the doubt about the soiled undies. I’m not certain that the daycare staff have informed him of my request to throw them out, so he might just not want to throw away clothing that I have purchased. The fact that he doesn’t put soiled clothing into a plastic bag is a biohazard though, so I think I’ll start sending S2’s wet bag in his backpack for that purpose.
Great point DnJ - I don’t want S2 to bear the burden of parental communication. Everything I do has to be in his best interest, as much as I personally dislike it.
No changes with X lately. I only see him for about ten seconds twice a week and we do not speak. Email and text communication when absolutely necessary is fit for purpose and has been business-like. He did oblige when I asked for a login code to an insurance account (for the settlement in May) so that was good. He received the divorce paperwork two weeks ago and I do wonder if that made an impact. If it has, I haven’t seen or heard about it.
I did have a talk with S2 about his behaviour. He has also been quite naughty at home when he’s usually very sunny and even-keeled, so it could be terrible twos or something more sinister. He kept telling me he felt sad so I then started spiralling that he was struggling to understand the divorce and having two households and that he was being emotionally damaged. Silly, but that’s how I felt at the time.
We have several talks about how it’s okay to be sad or angry. When you feel these emotions, you can ask for help, or a cuddle, or walk away, or take a deep breath. It’s not okay to hurt someone because of your emotions. I was strict about putting him in time out if he hit or bit me, and the lesson seems to have stuck. We had a rocky week or so, but he seems back to his cheerful, respectful self now.
The other night we were having a cuddle before he went to bed. We were talking about who we love. He had an exhaustive list - me, the cats, every member of my family, my step-family, his daycare friends and every teacher in the centre, his other friends. It wasn’t until I asked “what about dad?” that he said “I love dada.”
Then he said “I love OW.”
I just cuddled him and said “That's so nice. You’re such a loving boy!”
I recognise that he is at an age where he forms loving relationships with nearly everyone who comes into his life. I’m not threatened or upset by him loving OW. He wouldn’t say that unless she had made a positive impact on him. I am proud of his capacity to love and his ability to express it.
It is kind of sad that he had to be reminded to love his dad, though.
I just cuddled him and said “That's so nice. You’re such a loving boy!”
You are a superhero. I could never have done that.
My kids are older though and when kids are older there is a risk of them internalizing a feeling of fault or craziness if they have feelings against their dad or an OP and no one is validating that. That's what happened to me as a teen. I am worried about my D11's lack of boundaries with her dad. Now that she is hitting puberty right when my former H is tying her in knots, this innocent and sweet girl is going through all kinds of rage, grief, anxiety that she didn't have before. I think that the needs for supporting and listening change as they get older and also with how bad the MLCer is as a parent. I try to not speak against my H but I am honest (without getting specific) if she asks questions, and something rthat KmL or someone told me about it being okay to teach my values very clearly gave me a lot of courage to do that. I want my D to understand what marriage and vows and faith mean, so I don't have to pretend that what H and OW did for the last six years was okay. On the other hand, I still haven't told her 90% of what happened or that I had cancer while they were doing that. I never told my kids that I had cancer, still haven't told them, because I don't want them to worry about losing me while they are going through so much loss.
None of this is age-appropriate to a 2-year old, you handled it like a superhero as I said, but something to reflect on when the time comes as he grows up, if he asks questions.
Last edited by Gerda; 06/17/2003:23 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I do notice a difference in his behaviour after he spends time with X. He’s either exhausted and subdued, or hyper and naughty. He often comes home saying dada gave me chocolate or ice cream, or watched TV all day, or bought me new toys. It doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of discipline over there. Which doesn’t bother me. I’m glad he’s having a good time and the visitation periods are so short that I don’t think it matters. My boundaries and expectations are firm and I think S2 likes to test them after spending time with his dad.
I want my D to understand what marriage and vows and faith mean, so I don't have to pretend that what H and OW did for the last six years was okay. On the other hand, I still haven't told her 90% of what happened or that I had cancer while they were doing that. I never told my kids that I had cancer, still haven't told them, because I don't want them to worry about losing me while they are going through so much loss.
None of this is age-appropriate to a 2-year old, you handled it like a superhero as I said, but something to reflect on when the time comes as he grows up, if he asks questions.
This is really important to me as well. I think you can explain what happened in an age-appropriate way without editorialising, ie. “dad had an affair and that’s why we’re divorced” vs “dad cheated and ran off with a sl*tty wh*re”.
The important lesson for the child is this: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. Dad broke his promise and that made me feel very angry and sad, so I can’t be his friend any more. But you don’t need to worry - I’ll always be here for you and I’ll always love you.
Last edited by job; 06/18/2012:58 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
so I then started spiralling that he was struggling to understand the divorce and having two households and that he was being emotionally damaged. Silly, but that’s how I felt at the time.
