Moving On

[may22]

Thanks Scout, SamCal, WLMC. I'm spinning today and really appreciate the postings.

Looking from the outside, and I’m not sure if you see this too, every conversation seems incredibly manipulative on your H’s part. It’s not fair to unload his bad feelings onto you. Him asking you to make this decision together is bullsh*t. It’s a way to absolve himself of the guilt and responsibility for creating this situation. Him asking for your blessing and forgiveness is f*cking crazy-making and nowhere near the realm of normality. It’s wrong. It’s emotional abuse.

I completely agree that his behavior is unfair and wrong. I'm not sure I am onboard where I am right now with the term emotional abuse or that he's being purposefully manipulative, though I understand it looks that way. Maybe this is something i'll be able to see with more distance. I know he is coming from a place of hurt and fear and desperation too, scared to lose me and the kids, scared to lose our house and his reputation, scared to lose his chance at happiness/true love with AP. He is paralyzed by fear of loss on both sides and keeps teeter-tottering back and forth between wanting to stay and wanting to go. He wants me to absolve him of guilt and tell him it's OK, he can have his cake and eat it too for the rest of his life. That he doesn't actually have to choose, ever. He can have both me as his friend and her as his lover.

SamCal-- yes, exactly what you said too. He wants this to be a joint decision, or better yet, blame me for being the one to hurt the kids because I'm not willing to be friends with him after we split. Also, AP doesn't want to feel like we Ded because of her (I also think he wants this narrative, that we split up because of problems between us, not because of her), and also AP is totally playing into his fantasy and telling him exactly what he wants to hear, that she is totally fine with him being part of the family with me so now I'm the only unreasonable one. No. Sorry, no.

I wish he was just saying he wanted a D. It would be so much easier if he was the one packing his bags and walking out the door. He spews all this stuff about how he loves me, he will always love me (just not like that), he wants to take care of me for the rest of my life, he wants to mow the lawn and help me start my business and drive me around when I'm old and blind. I wish he would just stop. I guess I need to just walk away. It is so hurtful to hear these things from him, because I always believed that was all true... and also that he wasn't going to leave me for another woman. And I wish he had just walked away in January instead of going through all this rigamarole the last four months.

I bought the chump lady book last night and started reading it. I do love love love her.

I had a long conversation with my friend this afternoon and she gave me a lot of strength to start focusing on what I can control, and to release what I can't. What I want isn't possible right now. Now I need to pull myself together and start working on Plan B and what that looks like for me. Finances, job, children, etc. I just called to make an appointment with an IC to help me in this process.

xxx thanks for being there for me