I'm going to try to make my questions/responses more concise, so its not always a novel...but old habits, ya know?
I was not providing emotional support. I was detaching long before I ever knew about DB and for entirely different reasons. Actually, detaching is my major flaw in the marriage. I just passively observe and react. My philosophy was always to be the emotional rock that my spouse could lean upon. But really a rock just sits there and is soon just more background. And then the rock has needs/wants... point is that I can see how my wife got where she is.
She found a friend that also needed emotional support and they've been supporting each other because that friend's husband is deployed. And for some reason, I've suddenly become a big advocate for bringing all the troops home; actually already was, but now I'm kinda just being selfish. If the friend's spouse comes home, then my wife loses her emotional support pet, which also happens to be the one encouraging her to get-a-divorce-to-get-happy.
Somewhere, I said something about concise... point is, the when this even happens, I want to have set the stage correctly. I want to be available should she seek my support, but not pursue.
Again, I get the point of detach and GAL. But I also think that my biggest problem was being too detached from her and the family. Even following encouragement from my personal therapist that I needed to pursue some of my own independent activities separate from the family (biggest one being sailing regatta even though none of the rest of the family was ever interested in sailing). Now, I wonder if maybe that was seen by my spouse as a desire to leave? That my detachment was because I was not very interested in the family. Family is number one priority for my wife. I think that divorce is a funny way to prioritize family, but understand that she is not pursuing this logically, just trying to soothe her feelings and justify her actions.
In any case, the point of this question is how to walk the fine line. How to "detach" and GAL when that was specifically pointed out by my wife as the problem. Quote from "the email"
Quote
Reasons why this doesn’t work: You are emotionally distant, incapable of acknowledging other’s needs, you are not able to stand up for us your family and have always cherished your family of origin more than us and the commitment that should have always been there. Time and time again you have demonstrated we were not the main priority.
