Please stop engaging, May. It’s time to put your foot down and stop this madness.
Looking from the outside, and I’m not sure if you see this too, every conversation seems incredibly manipulative on your H’s part. It’s not fair to unload his bad feelings onto you. Him asking you to make this decision together is bullsh*t. It’s a way to absolve himself of the guilt and responsibility for creating this situation. Him asking for your blessing and forgiveness is f*cking crazy-making and nowhere near the realm of normality. It’s wrong. It’s emotional abuse.
I know you’ve read chump lady in the past, so google “Dear Chump Lady, My cheating husband won’t move out”. Your sitch is not as extreme, but the advice might still apply.
If it were me in your place, I would start pulling out canned responses to his ridiculous requests.
“I don’t want this. The children and I will not facilitate your affair. You are free to leave at any time. I will make my own decisions accordingly. I don’t need your permission or agreement. The children will adapt to the situation.”
You CAN make unilateral decisions for your future, May. You aren’t in a marriage right now. There is no marriage any more and that’s not your fault. It takes two people to get married and only one to divorce. You don’t need his buy-in. I know you’re afraid. The thought of losing time with your kids and sharing her with another woman - it goes against every maternal instinct in our bodies. All I can say is that it does get easier with time.
Honestly, and I’m not pro-divorce AT ALL, I don’t see a way out for you other than taking the reins of divorce. Stop talking about consequences and start implementing them. This has gone on long enough and you won’t stand for the disrespect any longer. You desperately need some distance from this situation to see the emotional abuse for what it is. You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to display your anger. Use it to fuel the implementation of your boundaries.
Look at the facts here. Your H has been having an affair for three years. He wants to date this woman while living in your family home. He wants to have sex with this woman then come home for family breakfast. Imagine your daughter was in this situation. What would you tell her to do based on these three facts? Take the emotion and self-blame and sunk costs and fear of the future out of it. You know this is wrong. What will these three facts teach your daughters about love and respect?
I am sorry if this is harsh but I’m just so angry on your behalf.
