Moving On

[may22]

Thanks, guys.

I'm feeling really sad today. Working on myself and my self-control right now to stay strong. I had been feeling more accepting of what was happening, that I can't be M to an H who is in love with someone else, and working on being OK with a future on my own. Now I'm backsliding into fear, fear for my kids, fear of the financial implications, fear of the unknown. Anger at needing to let go of my consulting dream. I so badly want him to choose to stay again now, even though I also at the same time don't think he is in a place to really commit to our M and let her go. I'm just so disappointed and angry and sad.

FlySolo, I don't know that our dynamic in R talks has been me being warm and compassionate and forgiving. I think I have been about things that have happened in the past, but not around current tense or future. To me, intentionality is just so important-- it is much less about where you have been as where you intend to go and how you intend to do it.

When he talks about AP or his feelings, it totally freezes me, I get cold and angry. (WF, I think I am much more like you than you think... I do have a long fuse but once it is lit I have a hard time getting out of it.) I can listen and be forgiving about why he was in the place he was and my own actions that contributed to that. But pretty much every time he delves into how he feels about her or how it made him feel, I can't go there with him. I can't even discuss the possibility of his fantasy D... he'll say it and I can't even validate it. So I don't think talking to me relieves his guilt right now.

I think he WANTS me to relieve his guilt but I don't think that is happening right now or has happened in the past around the potential future of him leaving me. I do know he feels some level of relief on the deception part from telling me, that is a big thing for him. Maybe I am forgiving of things that have happened in the past and that can relieve his guilt somewhat. But in terms of things that are happening now or in the future-- his feelings for AP, the possibility he'll walk out the door and we have to tell the children-- I don't think his guilt is relieved by speaking with me, really. He just is desperately trying to get me to say something that will make this all OK.

He wants me to explore with him how those scenarios might look, where we are S or D but the kids are great and he lives with AP (not in the basement but somewhere else and is with her). I really don't want to do this. He feels like I am being rigid, that for me there are only two outcomes (we stay together and work on our R or we S and are not friends) and he wants to explore what other possibilities are along the spectrum. (Wayfarer.... his DREAM is an open marriage where he can have both of us. I'm not willing to be in that position.) As I type this maybe this is a boundary for me... I won't engage in discussing those other possibilities. I need to focus on protecting myself and talking about those outcomes are damaging for me. I guess that is part of my original boundary-- I am willing to work on our R, no matter where that might take us-- M2.0 or a friendly D-- but not with a third party in the picture. He is frustrated with this because he sees no reason to S if he isn't with AP, that because giving her up is a prerequisite to me working with him on our R, if he chooses to work on our relationship in whatever direction it takes us, he has to give up on the idea of a future with AP. And again as I type this, Alison, I see how engaging in these conversations is absolutely trying to help him work through his own $hit. Boundaries. This is really helpful.

Sage, I'm really happy for you-- I read your update. There is an enormous difference with what your H is saying about why he's choosing to stay (similar to Pommy right now too I think) vs why my H chose to stay before. I think that is really positive. I think you're right that I need to emotionally distance myself now, mostly for my own emotional safety but also because as you said that was the time he freaked out before and was a definite turning point. One big difference is that my H is not asking to D, doesn't want to separate finances-- he will do both if I force it, but he says he wants to always continue to support and take care of me, wants to keep mowing the lawn and taking care of the house and all the rest. Sound familiar, Pommy? (BTW this makes me soooo angry. Like I'm going to be open to those scraps once he walks.)

His narrative right now is that he tried to get her out of his head and he couldn't, so now he needs to go try an R with her and see how that goes, but he is unwilling to do that without my blessing and buy-in and forgiveness. Also, the R with her would be long-distance for probably a decent amount of time while he lives in the basement, and he doesn't want to MO until she actually moved out here. To me that is untenable-- basically continued cake-eating, and he won't be able to actually test out a real R with her for a pretty significant amount of time during which it would be incredibly painful for me. He doesn't want to separate finances or actually D or anything. He wants to stay friends. When I say none of that will happen, he says that is my choice and he can't stop me but can we please talk about it more, what about the damage it is doing to the kids, etc. (Again. Like I am responsible for this.)

How do I manage this? Just stop engaging in those conversations? Start really planning for what I need to do next assuming he gets the courage to walk out the door without my explicit blessing and promise we'll stay friends? I need help, guys. This is really hard right now.