I just got a call from H who is returning from a trip (he has been solo in the mountains for the past 5 days). He called to tell me he has been thinking nonstop for the past five days and that he is so, so, so, sorry for what he has put me through and that he loves me with every inch of his soul. That he has been trying on this different person for size and it is fake and not him and that his true self is as my partner, best friend and soulmate. That his life flashed before his eyes and he realized he can’t live without me. That he only wants me forever and always. That he has been building this narrative up in his head, based upon childhood trauma etc, and that his narrative blamed me for everything. Which he now recognizes isn’t true, none of it. That he wants me back.
I know what everyone is going to say before you say it, so please know that I am going to take it slow and I want to leave no rock unturned in what led us here in the first place. I don’t want our old marriage back, I want a new one and that is going to take a huge amount of patience, persistence and work on both of our parts
The thing that is most encouraging to me in this conversation is that not once did he mention the kids or the other aspects of our life that he wants. It was only about me and us.
The other thing that I have only gone into minor detail on this forum, is that I have been firing ‘truth darts’ for the past 10 months. I thought they weren’t going anywhere, or that he wasn’t hearing them, but it turns out that he has listened to every one of them and when he was in deep contemplation, he realized that I was right. Things about ‘this isn’t the real him’ or that ‘happiness and self-worth are inner constructions, not dependent on someone else’ or ‘the negatives between us don’t balance to the actions he is taking with S or possible D’. This may not work in every situation, but it did have an impact in mine.
I plan to take it one step at a time. I asked him to protect the kids from whiplash and not coming running into my arms when he gets home. That we all need a process of healing, work and forgiveness. I especially want to work together to come up with an age appropriate conversation to have with the kids about his actions. Not to throw him under the bus, but that the kids deserve to know that he is human, humans make mistakes and that it is OK to accept or not accept these mistakes. That they are allowed to be angry and forgive.
This is only the beginning, and I am hopeful but no longer a fool for love. I know that things could change in an instant. But for the moment I am going to let things play out for a while. We have so many conversations ahead of us and any one of them could pivot our position into a different direction.
