Hey my sweet May, I brought your comment back to your thread because I think it's important to answer here. And I just kind of want to talk about why what I'm doing is functioning in my sitch. I won't say working because who really knows with this stuff until you're piecing or full on reconciling. i
Originally Posted by may22
I just wanted to pipe in and say I've been thinking of you, and wondering if I had taken a more WF approach if I'd be where I am right now-- kept my expectations at a minimum, avoided all R talks... so just want to give you a shout-out for staying the course. I know earlier I was asking you why you didn't want to open up those questions and now in my own sitch I wish I had been more patient. Maybe we would still be in the same place we are now in a month or whatever-- maybe my H was never going to let go of AP in his head-- but I have been wishing I could have channeled more WF in the last few weeks.
Pushing your H for answers wasn't really pushing in the way you see it. The door was already opened in DC. The door was already opened by him wanting to have conversations about you guys. I have no open doors. And when the doors were opened by my H all that spilled out of his mouth was full on delusion. And some things I let him have because that's what he felt. And maybe in his head that's what it felt like was actually happening. Other things, things I could point to social media or other people or our kids and say, "Look see what you're saying makes no d@mn sense. Keep lying to yourself about who I am and what we were if it makes you feel better. At least when you leave everyone else will know what the reality was. I said over and over and over again I would own 60% of our problems prior to the affair. But the affair plus that other 40% puts H well over the 100 percentile and I'm not taking ownership of his sh***y choices. I never initiate R talks. That much is true. But all the R convos he forced me into in Jan, Feb and early Mar I was absolutely not DBing. That's a huge part of why I don't ever bring it up. I'm still working very very hard on learning to listen and keep my mouth shut. I get incredibly defensive and I have a really bad temper, a long, long, long fuse, but once I'm there, it's bad news for everyone especially H. And then subsequently me because I'm also anxious and I play the blow up over and over and over again wishing I would've had more self control. You were incredibly controlled in your conversations. You had a direction and you tried not to drag these conversations out for ages. Having these conversations or not wouldn't have changed a thing because I as said from the beginning it's very weird he won't cut her out of his life if this is what he really wanted. Because it wasn't what he really wanted. What he really wanted was a lease with the option to buy for both of you. Maybe now's the time to propose an open marriage. LOL. I kid. But I think every LBS should ask just to see what would happen. I think we all would have a better handle on who our spouses really are. I'm getting off topic now.
The other thing I wanted to say is I have the luxury of an H who was dumped. And dumped hard. So keeping my mouth shut is a lot easier. I've gotten a front row seat to him grieving this relationship and watching him let her go. He's thrown out all the trinkets I was aware of on his own. I never had to ask. They haven't spoken since 3 days after the break up. By his admission. And if I really wanted to I could probably confirm with phone records and he knows that. Also H was very much slapped in the face with reality by OW dumping him. She pretty much told him he built the whole relationship up in his head. And she was never going to spend the rest of her life being known as a homewercker and he was a fool to believe that there was a happily ever after here for them. That what they had was never meant to last. He took the stance that she allowed him to blow up his entire life for her thinking there was really something there and that him back peddling into his life is not nor ever will be as simple as it was for her because I knew everything. And her BF knew nothing. I say all this because your H lives in imaginary land where even thought OW lives thousands of miles away somehow this is all going to work out "if they just get the chance." Ignoring the fact that she would have to move near in order for there to be any real relationship. Or he'd have to abandon his children. Honestly given what I know there is no other way to let them figure this stuff out except for letting them go. I would never ever ever recommend anyone doing what I did. H chose to eff up our lives over the holidays. He chose to do this while I was in the care and keeping of child who isn't biologically mine full time. He was falling apart at the seams before the A even started. What I signed on for with what I did was literally to buy myself time for the purposed of being able to afford to live without him, and so that I knew D16 had a safe and stable place to be. And the fact is your H can't even play out his little fantasy here unless they can be in the same space. So what's his plan for that? Is OW moving in to your basement too?
May I don't want any one to think they'd be further along here if they were more like me. I had to swallow a lot of pride and tears and anti-depressants to keep things as normal as possible for my kids. Now my patience paid off in part. But H is still on the fence here. And I had to sacrifice a lot for a fence sitter. It's not a great feeling.
You will choose the best path for you and the kids. I know it. With or without H your life is going to be full and blessed and those kids are going to be just fine.
