I know my H feels like my boundaries are threats, mostly because he views me as an obstacle to getting all the cake he can stuff in his mouth. He can't SEE me, I think. He feels guilt about hurting me, but I just don't know how much of that is truly feeling badly about hurting someone he loves and how much of it is just feeling bad, he doesn't want to stop what he's doing, so please stop making me feel guilty by being happy, please. I think I also need to avoid any R talks where I might tear up as apparently my tears are Kryponite for him (or so he said) and if I cry he just reverses direction and can't follow through. I feel like I'm trying to monitor all my external responses and words constantly to avoid saying anything that could remotely be construed as controlling and trying to keep him here. I feel like I've made my position crystal clear at this point. More talking won't change my mind. His choice to make. I'll work on establishing and protecting my boundaries no matter what.
I think I can help you here.
Boundaries start with knowing really clearly what your responsibility is, and what is none of your business and not your responsibility to care for, control or deal with.
You are responsible for taking care of yourself - for making sure you are in safe and respectful relationships, that your behaviour and words adhere to your values, that your sexual conduct is in line with your values and that you are having relationships that suit who you want to be. You're also responsible for the consequences of your own actions, beliefs, behaviours and words. You are responsible for discovering what you want and making it happen, or doing the work of accepting that it can't or won't happen at all, or right now.
You aren't responsible for achieving that for other people, helping them escape from the consequences of their actions, making sure the consequences for their actions are palatable to them, helping them understand or make decisions, protecting them from the opinions of others or their own emotions, helping them to make progress on understanding things, nursing them through their feelings about your boundaries etc etc. You also aren't responsible for making sure they have opinions about you and your boundaries that you approve of.
I think you're probably taking care of all your business, and also perhaps attempting to take care of your H's business as well. Because he wants you to. And I think if you stop doing it, things are going to get better for you and worse for him, and who knows what he will do with that. But that isn't yours to control.
People who want to dump their business onto you hate boundaries and it does feel like control to them. So what.
