Moving On

[may22]

Dear may—I just want to quickly jump in to say try not to spend too much energy on regretting that R talk. I really doubt it pushed H in this direction. It seems like he was already halfway there and just not being honest with himself or you. And I know you know this, but if a little realness from you could push him right back into the arms of AP (who, yes, sounds like a total fantasy, kind of like how puppies are cute but turn out to be a ton of work), well, he is so not worthy of you right now.

Maybe my H and your H can get a place together, if they ever leave, start up that Real World MLC. Maybe too soon for that joke—if so, sorry! I just empathize so much with your frustration that your H is declaring it’s his house too, and with your conviction that you will not leave.

C-- they can TOTALLY get a place together. if only!!! WHY oh WHY can't they just go??

Thank you for saying that about the R talk. I am getting over it. I did it because that is what I felt I needed at the time. In hindsight maybe not the best move but it is what it is, and you're right, if THAT pushed him over the edge, he was too close anyway.

Alison-- I cracked up. Thank you for that. Tonight he was like, we don't have to go on vacations together or anything. But how do you logically make sense of NOT letting me be with the children together as much as possible given the stats on Ded children? I said, I really don't want to talk about this. OMG OMG OMG. Like this is in any remote way my doing that they would have to go through this.

On boundaries... I hope they post this to the quotes board. This really helped me clarify. thank you so, so much. It also has helped me to recognize that H and I have few if any real boundaries, because I can totally relate to the boundaries with friends/acquaintances but not at all with boundaries for my H. Maybe this is partially why H has such a hard time accepting my boundaries as such, because we've never really had them before.

I know my H feels like my boundaries are threats, mostly because he views me as an obstacle to getting all the cake he can stuff in his mouth. He can't SEE me, I think. He feels guilt about hurting me, but I just don't know how much of that is truly feeling badly about hurting someone he loves and how much of it is just feeling bad, he doesn't want to stop what he's doing, so please stop making me feel guilty by being happy, please. I think I also need to avoid any R talks where I might tear up as apparently my tears are Kryponite for him (or so he said) and if I cry he just reverses direction and can't follow through. I feel like I'm trying to monitor all my external responses and words constantly to avoid saying anything that could remotely be construed as controlling and trying to keep him here. I feel like I've made my position crystal clear at this point. More talking won't change my mind. His choice to make. I'll work on establishing and protecting my boundaries no matter what.

Pommy... well, glad you hadn't taken my advice about the logical reasoning! I actually thought it was possible for his logic to win out. It is 100% who he is as a person... but I also think now, after listening to him the last few days, he just tries to package the emotion into pseudo-logical arguments as well so that they feel right to him. Maybe the gut/emotional response is the more important one... I don't know. I do know that I try to avoid making any decisions out of fear, and I think that is important for anyone, LBS or WS or whoever. That was more what I was thinking in my head, at least, when I commented on your sitch... a worry that acting out of fear, once that fear was abated, would make him lose steam. Like the pursuer-distancer dynamic that seems so strong in your sitch. I don't know... I'm clearly not the one to be giving any advice. how are YOU doing though??

I think in his head he would MO (ideally down the street... he walked down to look at an open house yesterday but it was pretty crappy apparently) when AP moved here and no longer live in the basement. Way back when, maybe January-ish, when we were here last time, he was talking about the month-long family trip he wanted to take this summer with all four of us, even if we were split up. I said, what would AP think of that? He said, she wouldn't like it, but it would be non-negotiable. I just rolled my eyes. Apparently it has been really hard for her every time we've gone on a family vacation. All this blows my mind, btw. Who are these APs? It is truly kind of sad. My guess is that she's told him exactly what he wants to hear, she would never come between him and the mother of his children, etc. I did say she wouldn't be welcome in my house. He looked pained. Like I'm being petty.

Yes, I think what you describe about your H is exactly where my H is and has been for a long time. He has described it in really similar ways, though not a missing puzzle piece-- that piece exists and is AP. And BTW he feels like I purposely pulled that piece out and threw it away, so vvv angry that now I am waving that piece around and saying I found it! Too little, too late... I guess that is fair and what I'm trying to sit with now.

He has been so incredibly nice and solicitous today. Took care of the children, made them breakfast and lunch, made me a steak salad for lunch and brought it down to me in the basement where I was working, made me a cocktail, made dinner, cleaned up for all the meals. I barely said anything to him all day, though we did talk a bit after the kids went to bed, but not about R stuff. Guilt or compassion? I'm leaning towards guilt. I almost wish he'd do the lashing out blame game kind of guilt as it would be easier for me at this point. He put his wedding ring back on again too. He is just all over the place.

xx thanks you guys. so glad you are here.