Moving On

[Pommy99]

Thanks Pommy... been thinking of you and all the similarities in our sitches. I think you're totally right. Though I think I need to let him go no matter what and not think about if he may or may not come back after this. I can't have any scent of doing it in hopes he comes back, both for myself and for him. Hoping I can get him out of the house and not just to the basement. Every time we've talked about it so far, he goes immediately into "this is my house too" and it gets really fiery really fast. I wish he would want to get an apartment like all these other bozos!

It's easy for him to stay - he's emotionally detached and doesnt feel the pain and sadness of living under the same roof that you do, and he gets his home comforts and family life. You cant move on with him in the same house. The ridiculous thing, however, and this is the bit he hasn't thought through, how is he going to take his R with AP further whilst living with you? And AP will hate the fact he is still living with you. You can see how completely flawed his mindset is right now.

Yes, there are so many similarities with my H. All the times last year H told me he was NC with EAP and yet in January finally admitted that he'd been in contact with her all year "pretty much". There is no hope for a R whilst she is in the frame, even if she had only been in his peripheral vision for a bit. I remember something my H would do in trying to describe how he felt (or didnt) about me. He would hold a clenched fist to his stomach and say that he didnt feel it from there - romantic love, desire, etc. In his head, however, his logical and probably moral brain was telling him I was his wife, this was our family, these were his responsibilities. And he would try and push aside the feelings that came from his stomach about wanting romantic love, and he would focus on me, try and build intimacy, do all the nice family things, talk himself into the M, looking at 2nd property/getting a puppy/going back to our favourtie holiday place, but he admitted he could only do this for a short time then all the other feelings about the missing piece would bubble up through the surface.

Before I read your posts yesterday, I had already been thinking about something you said to me in the last week or 2 in response to my H wanting to come home but seemingly making a decision based on emotion - his fear of losing me, of me having met someone else, and losing his family. This was the first time my H had viewed me and the M from a place of emotion rather than logic. It made me think a lot because I had asked you if making an emotional decision was bad thing - and I'm still trying to work through that - whether my H has mad a decision for the "right" reasons. You said your H had made all his decisions about ending the A and committing to the M based on logic. I can see your H's thought processes being very similar to my Hs (when he would try and tell himself that he should work on his M). Your H still has this internal battle with heart vs head decisions. No wonder his desired outcome is the best of both worlds. (But again, flawed thinking (I know we all know all this...they just dont seem to get it!)...how is AP going to feel about her new BF being best friends with his XW, living close by his XW, having dinner most days with his XW. They cannot envisage anything from anyone else's perspective. He hasnt once considered HER feelings in all of this, and what her boundaries might be in a R with him. He is completely in a bubble.) Your H is still so much on the fence May, he thinks he jumped over your side, but he kept popping his head over the other side. He needs to go and spend some time on the other side and that fence be so high that he can't get back over right now.

I know you will make the right choices May - whether you decide that you continue to stand or not - but it's really time for tough love. Making decisions for you and the kids are not ultimatums or controlling behaviours - they are saying "enough". Sending big hugs across the pond!