May - I want to see if I can make you laugh. I think you've got this. I think you know what you need to do for most of this, and when you don't know, you know how to find out - by sitting with yourself, taking the 2x4 when you need them, and thinking about how your actions align with your values. The values of being honest, patient respecting your husband's autonomy and above all, putting your children and your own emotional and physical well being first will get you through this. Live those values.
Now, the laugh. It's first thing in the morning in the UK and I was reading the forum on my phone while having an early morning cup of tea. When I came to this line:
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As of now, his idea is that I would live in the house, have the kids living here full time, and he would get time with them every day, whether he lives in the basement or eventually somewhere else.
I rolled my eyes so hard that tea got on the sheets, had to go downstairs and get my computer so I could reply properly. I like to keep my language civil on the forum, so please imagine me in my dressing gown, wild-hair, cackling like a witch and using language ill-befitting a lady.
You asked about boundaries.
Boundaries aren't about control simply because they aren't about the other person. They aren't rules for other people's behaviour, they are rules for how I respond to the world.
My rule is that I don't hang out with H when he is drinking. He is an adult with his own money and he is free to drink himself into a stupor every single night if he wants. He can give up his job and drink full time if that is his heart's desire. Now in actual fact, what he does is drink a bit too much when he is stressed, and when he does that, I go to a different room. I don't think he even knows I have this boundary - I see no reason to tell him about it, because it isn't a rule for him, it is for me. He doesn't need to choose between me or drinking - he can do whatever he likes, and so can I.
Boundaries aren't there to control the outcome. They are there as self protection. I don't have conversations where H is shouting. He can shout all he likes, but he will be doing it to someone else or to an empty room. I haven't sat down and explained this too him - a good boundary doesn't need explaining - I just get up and say 'I will listen to you when you're calmer' and then do something else.
A friendship boundary, for me, is about how close I let people get to me. Some people are in the outer bubble. I am civil and polite and I smile in greeting and if they were in an emergency, I would of course help as they are a human being. They don't get to know about my family life, or my heart, or what I fear or think and feel about things, or much about how I spend my spare time or what I want for the future. I don't tell these people 'we're not friends' as there's no need. I just live my boundary. Sometimes I have an excellent reason for a person being in this outer circle - because I've experienced or witnessed behaviour from them I don't want in my life, because I find their values incompatible with my own, or simply because I don't know them yet. I don't need to explain that to them, or tell them what they need to do to get into the inner circle, because the boundary is just for me and not for them. They can do what they do, and I decide how to respond.
Your H wants you to tell him you will be his friend. He wants your approval. I'd refuse to get into any form of conversation like that with him. For the following reasons 1. he's insane and he's manipulating you to provide some approval so he doesn't feel so guilty or confused 2. he wants a mistress and a wife and he's blaming you for the fact life doesn't work like that, and making the problem yours to fix instead of his own and 3. a good boundary is not to have personal conversations with someone who treats you badly and isn't trustworthy.
