I’m considering a scorched earth thing here. Not mean or cold, but setting firmer boundaries (asking for my house key back, asking him to no longer contact and visit my parents at this point, maybe reminding him that we aren’t friends, things like that). But I so worry that doesn’t flow with my continued faking til I make it of detachment. Thoughts?
Asking for house key back - 100%. Has your divorce been finalised yet?
Asking him not to contact parents - don't bother, he'll do it regardless of your request if he wants.
Reminding him you aren't friends - don't bother, actions speak louder than words.
I'm trying to understand what you mean about the above actions not jiving with your air of detachment. Are you afraid he'll see the implementation of these boundaries as a reaction to his news? Isn't the point of detachment to live your life and not care what he thinks? You've got to climb out of the swirling emotional vortex of "will he? won't he? I did this and then he did that" and free yourself.
Hope, here's a 2x4 and it's meant with love - it really seems your H has moved on. It's been two years. This isn't an OW or an affair, it's just his new partner. It's horrible to accept, I know, whether you're still harbouring thoughts of reconciliation or not. It's not what you envisioned for yourself or your daughter. None of us ever got married or started a family thinking that this might happen. It's awful! But your healing can't start without acceptance.
Your H still has such a hold on your emotions after two years. He makes you feel extremely hurt, very sad, f**king infuriated. He's acting true to character - by your own admission, he's a habitual liar. Yet you continuously expect him to do the right thing, tell the truth, act honourably, and then you spin out of control emotionally when he doesn't. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
I have seen you write so many times about your H acting warmly towards you and touching you when he comes around. You always say you don't react to it or put any stock in it, but isn't it weird? It seems like you're looking for reassurance that this means something. The excitement and hope in these words springs off the screen. I empathise with this feeling so much, but please don't let it blind you to what is actually happening.
Another 2x4 with sincere best intentions - when a man is in love with a woman, he will move heaven and earth to be with her. You're seeing it in your H's behaviour towards this new woman, right? Who knows if it will fizzle out, but you can't bank on it. If you expect the worst, you can't be disappointed. We didn't cause our husbands to cheat and leave us. If we were that powerful, we'd be able to make them come back. And the truth is - we can't.
You don't want to be someone's second, third, fourth or fifth choice. You don't want to be stuck here in another two years. Free yourself.
