Primarily appreciating each day. Living in the present. Following my wife's lead in keeping life simple and focusing on the family instead of building a career/business. Lot's of opportunity to see/hear about how lucky I was versus 95% of the population. Overall staying focused on my wife and family. Everything else is second.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Like your defense for why your changes didn't stick?
There was an adjustment period, that we all knew would happen. Having basic freedoms again such as spending time with family, when/where/what to eat, what time to do just about everything, privacy (vs 160 men living in a large room together on bunk beds and sharing a bathroom), etc. There was also the transition back into the family. Went through quite a bit of "group therapy/classes" talking about the transition back to family and what to do and not to do. Primarily being to become background and just observe the family dynamic. Watch and learn how everyone has changed. I was only gone for 15 months, but that's actually quite a bit of time for teenager changes. And obviously my wife had been running everything, so it was important not to interfere, but simply support. Although that was suppose to be balanced by relieving her as she chose to give up any responsibility.
However, one of the first big hurdles was realizing exactly how bad the financial situation was, which my wife had basically kept a secret. So things that we all fantasized about while inside (lots of talk about what to eat for example) was not really an option because we simply could not afford to go out to eat a nice dinner. We did go to movies a couple times because my son worked in the theater and thus it was really cheap. A date night discussion turned into a heated conversation about not having the money, which was compounded indirectly by my parents. Throughout my incarceration, my parents had been sending $500-$1000 per month to my wife. Part of that came to me for commissary. Part of it was used up in gas/travel bills since my wife came to visit nearly every weekend she was permitted. (3hr each way drive, so gas and food). 3 days after I was home, my wife's suburban went "clunk", which turned out to be a wheel bearing replacement. I called my dad and found out they hadn't sent money since they didn't think it was needed because I was "home". Dad did come through with a large check that was a catchup of "missed birthday and Christmas" to me. I also with the help of youtube learned to change wheel bearings. But my wife was immediately on the warpath against my parents and basically refused to let them come visit for several weeks.
My reaction/solution to this was (1) figuring out how to fix the car myself, (2) turning over the entire amount of my "birthday" money to her safe keeping for future emergencies, (3) hyper focusing on finding a job. That hyper focus turn to obsession and anxiety and stress and disappointment at it taking so long. I was actually working 6 weeks after coming home, but those six weeks seemed to stretch forever. And to protect the family from my moody temperament, I kind hid out in a computer screen. I was only 15 feet away in the next room and was able to listen in to everything, but in hindsight, I was definitely hiding.
Then I started working. And to put this in context, the day I started working was the same day that the local govt started lock down except for essential workers. Luckily, my employer, a big box home improvement store, was considered essential and never closed. In fact, we got busier and my part time job turned into regular 10hr days for the next six weeks. My wife works in a hospital and thus had to take extra precautions, in particular precautions to stay away from me since I was working in retail. I was making a fraction per hour than I have made since probably college, but I made up for it with taking every hour they would give me. 65-70+ hour weeks were normal for a while. After all, this is what a husband's primary role is, correct? Taking care of the family. But again, it was also a convenient way to hide.
Due to quarantining from each other, all physical contact stopped. Not that there had been much. Again, one of the fantasies when you are inside living with a bunch of men, is naturally a wild sex life. And for those that were going home to paid companions or girlfriends that were used to the life, then this may be true. For us, it was kinda awkward and had its own anxiety complicated by significant sleep problems. That being said, I was just extremely grateful to be able to hug members of my family basically anytime that I wanted and thus was relatively content. Then I was exhausted from work.
Also during this time, due to virus precautions, my therapist visits were shutdown. Not that he was great, but it at least gave me a release... which is kinda what this forum has become. Unfortunately, I was reluctant to share my problems with my wife. Hindsight...ugh... at the time justified that I should not put anymore burden on her and the last thing my therapist said was just to continue participating passively while the family adjusts. Of course he didn't know that it was his last advice to me. Nevertheless, I kinda went on autopilot. Work long hours, watch TV with kids and wife for an hour or two while eating, sleep, repeat. It was a convenient way to hide in plain site.
So about 9 weeks ago, we get into an argument about something that I can't even remember (which is driving me nuts) and she says that I've got to fix this. At the same time, I get a promotion at work, more hourly money, but less hours, so take home is the same, but I have more time at home. But at the same time, quarantine is starting to slacken and my wife starts hanging out with a friend, a lot. This friend is on her second marriage, but her husband is deployed. Between husband one and two, she raised kids from elementary through high school as a single mom and was also a bit notorious for being a bit too "single" around all the other moms (all our kids were in extracurricular together). Since her husband was deployed, my wife was "helping her cope". But really she became the emotional surrogate that my wife needed. The friend is also a bit notorious as demanding attention and always seeking to surround herself with a posse. I could see what was happening but didn't know how to break the cycle, and I think she was a big influence on getting influencing my wife to seek happiness through divorce.
I reached out to the therapist but didn't hear back. Then finally, just after my wife sends the email asking for a divorce, the therapist finally responds to my email saying that he doesn't have time for me and suggest I seek someone else. Of course by then I had started the spiral and luckily found Michele before getting too bad.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You broke the law, but your wife faced the consequences of becoming a single mom for a year, without having the perks of someone to snuggle or sleep with. Were you two facing issues before you became incarcerated? Was she so incredible as to wait for you, or is it possible she started an affair while you were in prison?
First, hindsight, I should have fought the charges, and actually had started down that path, but then the prosecutor offered me a deal. Everything goes away that they couldn't actually prove anyways, and I plead guilty to this false statement charge, which should result in 3 months home confinement. Most importantly, the family doesn't go through the trauma of a trial, nor the uncertainty stretching over 2-3 years. I make a sacrifice and the family is better in the long run. Except, never trust a prosecutor. Judge gave me 24 months in a federal camp instead of 3 months home confinement. We fought the judges sentence and actually won, but it took 13 months to win the fight and another two months after winning to finally get out.
My wife was a rockstar through the whole thing. And I don't for a second think there was any type of affair. As for the snuggling, that's been an issue for a while because I snore like a grizzly bear. So I've been sleeping behind two closed doors in another room for years. Ultimately SSM needs to be addressed too, but that's obviously not an issue at this point.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Staying is usually right. Her being in a frenzy is an opportunity to validate.
Yes, I saw the missed opportunity slipping through my fingers, I just don't have enough experience and hesitated, then panicked.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Yes, if you argued with her, you made a mistake. "No arguing" is a great 180 to make. Disengaging was a good choice. Next time, try to listen and validate for a bit before you have to disengage.
Yes, thus the panic. I was just mumbling trying to escape because my brain couldn't catch up. Which is usually the case with our discussions, my wife is way more quick and nimble with her words. Its a major frustration with me and I tend to fumble a lot. We actually would make some progress when with a marriage counselor just because the counselor would give me time to get my thoughts out. But as I said before, what we really needed was a solution focused coach.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Yes. You can't stop her (and shouldn't try). We usually advocate cooperating but not doing the legwork.
Ultimately, when my wife does file, I will probably have to get my parents to help pay the attorney's retainer, but for now, the only thing I probably did right, was not to say anything to any of my family. Quite frankly, from the beginning, I just didn't want to hear their advice. I knew immediately that my focus would be on saving my relationship with my wife, even if I didn't know how. I suspect my family will all be super supportive by providing sympathy and telling me how awful she is. That's not what I want. I know my wife is not awful. She is very wonderful. Nobody is perfect, but I still really really want to be figuring this out with her, and not running away from her.
