Moving On

[may22]

Oh Blu,

I am so glad you checked in. I have had you in my thoughts quite a bit the past few days. I don't know if you know how helpful you have been to me through all of this. I kept some of your posts on a note on my phone to read when I felt down. I think I'm going to pick that back up again since I'm back to that same place.

I think what I'm working through right now is a lot of disappointment about where it seemed we were going and then this whiplash back to square one. (or square two... he keeps saying a lot of positivity came out over the past four months, quarantining together... but I'm not sure what that means exactly. He says it in the context of me expressing my frustration and that "we're back to where were in January" (by which I mean in that painful ambivalence and limbo place and I don't want to go through that again). I don't know if he means we wouldn't be starting from scratch if we decided to work on our M, or that our R is much better so he thinks I'm more likely to want to stay friends. Who knows.) I think I need to just let myself grieve a little bit the hope I had for our R that had sprung up over the past weeks. I also have regret that we had that R talk a couple of weeks ago, both because it gave me a lot of hope that I wouldn't have if I had just let it ride, plus maybe we wouldn't be where we are now. I think I need to be able to let that regret go too. It is what it is.

I agree that there is a lot of the Romeo and Juliet, wanting what you can't have, between them. I actually said as much to him, that the reason he was all of a sudden so interested in her again because she was actually moving on, and he keyed into that for some reason, thinking he needed to sort out for himself how much was jealousy and pursuer-distancer vs. true love. (I think he's settled back on True Love.) I think it has been a huge dynamic in their R... sounds like every couple of months all last year she gave him an ultimatum, he couldn't tell me/leave me, they'd stop communicating for a few weeks, and then start it back up again. It feels so unhealthy and to me that drama must totally fuel the flames and ongoing limerence. He feels like it can't be limerence because they've gone through "so much" in the past year, all this heartache, etc., and doesn't realize that the secrecy and distance and ultimatums and tearful reunions is just keeping those drug feelings going.

That all being said, I fully think they could be happy together. I truly don't know. He definitely believes it to the center of his being. To me she sounds unreal, like a fantasy of a GF who just loves him so much all she wants is for him to be happy, no demands, just wants to rub his back and tear off his clothes and listen to his advice with starry eyes. (Compared to me, with all my demands and lines and bills and chores.) I was annoyed that she asked him for advice about what kind of puppy to get (this was her pretext for their last call which ended up with her dropping the sex bomb and also the fact that she is considering plans to travel with some dude who has had a thing for her for a long time that H already knows about this summer.) H HATES dogs. He said, totally serious and a little offended, she trusts my advice. What is wrong with that? hahahahaha.

If this is real, she's truly this fantasy GF and that is what he wants, IDK. (I'd say "his funeral" but with my kids dragged into all this drama it isn't really just his life that is impacted, and that makes me angry all over again.) I feel like I need to just detach to the point where I no longer care. Some of the threads I've been following- FlySolo, Hope, others-- whose Hs are now dating new people, going on vacations with new people... that is hard for me to imagine being OK with at this point. The thought of AP interacting with my children triggers RAGE inside me. It actually scares me how much that thought impacts me. But, none of this is in my control.

Also, I agree with you that he needs to be IN for R to work. He can't half-a$$ it the way he did this time, doing the time and apparently evaluating our R (nope, don't have true love with May yet! Guess this isn't going to work!) while still holding onto hope for AP at some point in the future. He's got to have actual hope for M2.0 with ME, not just think he's dooming himself to a passionless M for his kids and letting go of his only chance of happiness. Plus, I don't know that he can get over the fact that he did so much damage to me and the R for us to get past it. He doesn't believe he can. I think that these are both self-fulfilling prophecies. And therefore a waste of time for me.

I want to let him go. I fully agree that I won't know if/when/how I'll process a decision about whether or not to take him back until I'm there... but I really feel like there is no point to thinking that through right now. If it happens and I still want that, we will see.

In terms of letting him go-- I am not totally sure how at the moment. I am trying to think about just stopping all R talks for a bit, focusing on me, not forcing him into the basement or whatever. When he comes to me with the decision to go, I will say OK. I won't say anything about not being friends since that gets interpreted as a threat. I will just say OK and then ask him to consider moving into an apartment rather than the basement. Maybe I'll do some research ahead of time for him to see if it is actually workable financially. (Sage, I have your H's expensive year-long lease on my mind!)