Just a quick recap. He’s been at this affair for 2 years. 2 YEARS! And he’s confused when the choice is between his loyal wife and a woman who gets with a married man, then sleeps with someone the second her relationship with him ends, insists she wants children until it means losing him and then suddenly no longer wants kids? This woman is lost and he’s attracted to her because like attracts like. You can’t hold his attraction right now because he is lost and you are capable.
In regards to him feeling you are giving him an ultimatum that you can’t be friends if you separate under these conditions, let’s roll back the clock. If you met this guy again when you were young and single and these were his conditions what would your answer be? I suspect you would be laughing as you ran out the door. How and why would it be different now? Don’t you deserve MORE respect now? How would you advise your daughters if they came to you for advice in these scenarios.
As for him living in the basement and playing Mr. Proper Family guy, think carefully here. He will be having sex with her and then having pancakes with you all in the AM. By the way, my ex came to me and said he wanted to “find himself” by getting an apartment, staying there on Friday and Saturday nights but coming home before the kids woke. He insisted he was not cheating but was basically asking to start dating and have an open marriage and was shocked when I said no in the same instant he asked. They are so lost they have no sense of their entitlement. He lived at home for 4 years after that, moved into the spare room and proceeded to live like a teenager. It was awful to live through. Please picture what you are agreeing to as he’ll be talking and texting her all the time for your house. How will you be practicing self care and healing through all this?
Lastly, that whole bit about him not wanting a D so finances can stay the same? This is a man who hid a 2 year long affair right? This is a man who ended his affair and was over it until he wasn’t. He is not trustworthy right now. Plus, this woman will be pushing for legitimacy. He’ll be in the honeymoon of limerence. Google limerence affairs because he is there!
Remember, if you maintain your dignity you have not lost a thing. We teach people how to treat us.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
