Oh May, I’m so sorry this is happening. Something told me to check here but I was not prepared for this — what a gut punch. I’m really angry at your H! Grow up, man! I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom for you. I don’t. I’m really sad for you, esp after he has already dragged through this and then gave you false hope. Perhaps it wasn’t what he wanted but more what he felt he should do. So he never completely ended it with her, because like with any addiction, heroin, etc, the only thing that works is cold turkey. And then a lot of soul searching hard work on yourself. Unfortunately he did neither.
I’m trying not to be too bias but it’s hard not to. I do still wonder if his longing for her is in large part due to the fact that he could never really have her. So he feels like he is in some Shakespearean situation and being forced apart which fuels his desire further. I think there is a very good chance if he ever lives out this fantasy and has any real R with her, it will fade and destruct. Seems to be the more likely scenario (and exactly what happened with my H). That is his bad choice to make tho. I do wish he would stop with his big crocodile tears and telling you “but we have to be a family and remain best friends,” because that is all emotional manipulation. It also shows how far his head is wedged up his arse because news flash, best friends don’t treat each other like this! At what point in the last three years has he really considered your feelings??? It’s just “but you can’t forgive me” and “I want this and that” me me me!
I know your final straw now feels like when you tell the kids there is no coming back from that. I get it. The thing is, he may not actually be able to come back in any real sense until he tries this out and then fails miserably (he will) and on some (buried subconscious) level even he knows that. So you can’t have it both ways can you? If he does what is asked of him and goes no contact with her, he won’t be in it because he’s remorseful and really wants the M, thus he cannot do the hard work. If he fails at it and really loses you, your family, and your life together, well that there might become a changed man with all the motivation. That might be a man worth giving that chance to. You can’t know that now. And you do not ever wait for someone as they go off and cheat for 6 months. That’s a firm no.
I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. I do see you trying to figure out if/how you could ever take him back and what that would require. The bad news is, I don’t think you will ever figure it out until it’s happening. I think all you can do is accept the way things stand now, keep your boundaries, and just let him go. Set yourself free. You are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman, May. I know it. I admire you so much. This troubled man doesn’t deserve your love. You decide if you can ever love him, or be his friend, when (if and only if) he shows you an honorable and good man first.
Hugs!!! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
